Brute (Original Version)

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“Dude, it just looks like my mama.”

~ Dude on Brutes

“The most dangerous creature to come across.”

Et tu, Jiral- GAAAK!”

~ Julius Caesar on being hit with a gravity hammer

The Brute (also known as Jiralhanae by some people) is a species of violent aliens. They appear to look like a gorilla on steroids. They have very short tempers and supernatural strength. Unlike other aliens, though they prefer to use giant hammers to catch their prey and are stronger and more vicious than most aliens. The game Halo 3 shows the nature of the Brutes and getting owned by them.

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Brute.

Master Chief is the only human alive able to kill these creatures of death.

Habitat and Nature[edit]

Brutes live on war-torn planets with heavier gravity than earth, and populate towns full of sweet ass bitches; they are tough due to the heavy gravity of their worlds. They can survive almost anywhere, from the planet Mars to the streets of Philadelphia (if you can survive there, you can survive anywhere). Their home world is Doisac, a planet fill of war and destruction. Not a place for a vacation, though you can some of the old war sites there. As a matter a fact, they still have battles there, so you can at least see a show. Just don't partake in one.

Brutes are extremely violent all the time unless when they are sleeping. They are meat eaters and eat anything, but mostly Humans, kittens, and n00bs. Despite their dangerous behavior, they are religious aliens. They believed in the Great Journey, an alien religion full of worthless shit that some drunk dude made up. When Brutes get really (I mean seriously) ticked off, they will go rampant, killing everything in sight like a man paying his taxes. Always avoid Brutes when they're angry or horny. You won't like them when they're angry or horny, well you might.

Don't fuck with this brute

History[edit]

The Brutes homeworld was always in civil wars because they did not know how to get along. After the last Brute Civil War, they joined the Covenant. Apparantly, this angered the Elites (another dangerous alien race) and they kept the brutes at lower ranks, which was cleaning bathrooms and scrubbing toilets. However, they eventually replace the Elites because the Prophets like them better than the Elites and they were so awesome and good at making sandwiches. They then were about to take over the universe, but were stopped when Master Chief killed them all, thus ruining their goal at universal domination. Nowadays, they just lose money at the casinos and banging hot girls off the Internet. And, of course, killing and eating people. One of the most notable Brute leaders is Tartarus (not Tart-tar-sauce you idiot), who was the most powerful Brute to ever live. Unfortunately, he was assassinated by the Arbiter, ending his reign of terror. Cookie Monster was also a well known Brute Leader, but quitted to be on the show Sesame Street. You were probably too busy reading this article to notice the Brute behind you. Quick run away. Too late! You're dead.

Diet[edit]

Brutes eat anything they see. Sweet, sour, spicy, bitter, edible, inedible, they'll eat it. It is rare for a brute not to eat something. Emos are an example of what brutes don't eat. The reason is unknown. Unlike other aliens, Brutes don't usually eat you alive. They shoot you down with there weapons, or beat you down with their hammers. Being eating by a Brute alive is the most painful death ever. Their teeth are able to crush bones and rip apart flesh in a very gruesome matter. Seriously, if this ever happens to you, just kill yourself. The things that Brutes eat are Humans, Michael Jackson (he already lost his nose to a Brute), Beer, Gansters, Other aliens, Xenomorph (This is not a joke), Sk8r bois, n00bs, Republicans, Chili cheese fries, Wikipedia users, babies, Jedi Knights, Nerds (their more of a snack for Brutes), Kittens, Grues, Your Mom, garbage, Eurgs Pop Stars, Fat Kids, Bojangles (who the hell doesn't like Bojangles), People who said they hate Bojangles, Lawyers, Characters for the Harry Potter series, Communist, Ubergrues (though not proven), homosexuals, Vista Users,Boobs, Vagina's pie, and food (no shit). Things that Brutes don't eat are each other, Spartans, Emos, Vegetables,Penis and Leonidas.

Family Members and Species[edit]

Scientists once believe Brutes belonged to the gorilla family. This was proven false after one of the scientists was brutally murdered and raped by a Brute. Some scientist claim that they are related to rhinos, but those people were bat fuck insane No one knows what brutes are related to because no one has the balls to study them. They are possibly related to the Xenomorph family and the Chewbacca family. Despite being related to brutes, this does not spare them from being killed by them. They will, however, have a family cook out, with you being the main course. There are different species of Brutes, all with different abilities able to pwned anyone in their way.

Aqua Brute[edit]

These Brutes live under water and lives on fish and scuba divers. They are the leading cause of boat accidents in the United State and Australia, because people think they can out run them on water. People will often mistake them as ugly looking manatees, and people usually make the mistake of putting their hand in the water. There only natural predators are Great white sharks, killer whales, and Giant Squid. Only few sailors have encountered these beasts and live to tell the tale. Don't ever fish in Aqua Brute populated area, or you will be on the shrimp bar for dinner.

Lazer Brute[edit]

Once a Brute masters the power of the Shoop Da Whoop, they become a Lazer Brute. They are more powerful than a normal Brute and are harder to kill.

Negative Brute[edit]

They are brutes that do the opposite of brutes. There nothing special and are completely retarded. But they pose no threat to humans.

A Negative Brute

Sparta Brute[edit]

An extinct race of Brute. They are considered to be the strongest Brutes in the entire history of everything. They were led by King Bruteonidas. They were wiped after the last Brute Civil War after King Berxes destroyed the remaining 300 Sparta Brutes in the Battle of Awesomeness. Let's just be glad that they are all dead. Or are they?

Weapons and Ranks[edit]

Brutes use a variety of weapons; Spikers (guns that shoot out spikes that hurt like hell), Maulers (brute version of the shotgun), Plasma cannons, and Fuel Rod Guns (guns that shoot out green explosives made out of nuclear waste). The greatest weapon is the all powerful Gravity Hammer. The Gravity Hammer is given to only the most honorable brutes and is the most powerful hammer in the entire universe. It is powerful enough to destroy a bus full of Spartans, and even powerful to defeat Godzilla in battle. Having one of these babies will make you very powerful. But to obtain one, you'll have to defeat a brute in battle. Yeah, good luck with that.

one can destroy the entire universe with this thing.
Oh Shit A Chieftain! RUN!!!

The brutes have many ranks that show who is tough and who is weak. These ranks include: Minors, the brute newbies who have the lowest rank; Majors, higher ranked and more skilled than Minors; Ultras, tougher and more awesome than majors; Stalkers, brutes that use cloaking devices to sneak on there enemies and in the girls locker rooms; Captains, brutes that lead the lower ranked brutes into battle; Chieftains, these guys are the ones who carry the gravity hammers and talk all day long about their victories; and War Chieftain, the most toughest brutes, way tougher than an ordinary Chieftain. They are very skilled and will pwn almost anyone with one hit. Boy, you better show these bad mother fuckers respect, or they'll rip you a new one. If they lose this highly powerful weapon, they simply take out their cocks and beat you over the head with it. This is just as powerful as their penis can grow to be 100 ft in size

What to do if encounter by a Brute[edit]

  • Die. The chances of you surviving is .5 percent, so your basically screwed.
  • Offer it some beer. With luck it would get drunk and fall asleep. Unless their really hungry.
  • RUN!!!.
    The way to kill a brute
  • Call Master Chief to save your ass.
  • Shoot the damn thing!
  • Yell: ZOMGWTFBBQ IM GOING TO DIE!
  • Use the Gravity Hammer.
  • Use the Gravity Ham.
  • Dress up as an Emo.
  • Be an hero!
  • Face fuck them
  • Watch Lazytown with them.

See Also[edit]