Buckeye cookies

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[edit] Background

The following recipe will prevent angry Pittsburgh folk from forcing Ohioans to eat chip chopped ham sandwiches. They are still angry after Ohio took their 'h' away from them. Or maybe they are still angry that Ohio ate all of their coal back in 1642 during the Big Craving. In any case, Pittsburgians are immune from bug spray and the Ohioans need to fight back any way they can. Buckeye cookies work much better, since they will stick to people's feet and if you accidentally eat one, you will sing show tunes instead of dying of the plague.

After many years of searching scholars have come across a document that details the steps of the Sacred Buckeye Cookie Ritual. Up until now, anyone who happens upon this will suffer the wrath of Attila the Hun. It is traditional to wrap your forehead in toilet paper before reading the following:

[edit] Ingredients

• Cheap creamy peanut butter that would sicken a goat
• A bag of powdered sugar
• A bottle of vanilla extract
• A measuring cup
• A paint stirrer
• A stick /110 g. butter, preferably soft.
• A strainer (not one of those things with the wide slots used for noodles unless you are going into a meditative trance)
• A flat something that you can put into the fridge. Or many flat somethings. Bedpans work well.

Next to the stove:

• A large pot with a metal bowl nested inside it with water in the pot (not the bowl). A double boiler would be better, but since those were all been eaten by angry garden gnomes in the Battle of 1789, we're just out of luck.
• Semi-sweet chocolate (can use rabbit pellets in a pinch)
• Paraffin or vegetable shortening (solid)
• Screwdriver

[edit] What to Do

Sift a hair less than 500 g sugar/4 cups into a huge mixing bowl while reflecting on the Amish. Find a plate large enough to cover the top of the strainer or whatever you are using to sift and shake the hell out of the sifting thing without breaking the plate. After there is some room in the sifter, do up and down circular movements. Imagine the edge of the strainer, while always facing the same direction, is following the path of a guy's windmilling split ends at an Obituary show, just on a smaller scale. Keep going until all the sugar is in the mixing bowl. If you are interrupted by rubber chickens, throw eggs at them.

Add some vanilla. Add just a few hairs under the amount you would take of cough syrup to the sugar. Put in the butter. If the butter is very cold, cut it into smaller chunks.

Measure out two cups (about half the volume of the sugar you just sifted) of peanut butter into the mixing bowl. Make sure your hands are clean.

Shove your hands into the mixing bowl and mix and mix and mix.

Start to roll little balls out onto the thing to go into the fridge. Give up and smoosh down the dough into a pan about halfway through.

Wash your hands again. And again. Cheap peanut butter grease will not leave your hands ever. This might be a good time to offer someone a handshake to someone from Lower Saxony.

When the dough is chilled through, heat the water and melt a bunch of chocolate. As long as you have enough, you can never have too much. Add just enough paraffin to make it smooth. Unless, of course, you are using some kind of cheap milk chocolate, since that's mostly wax, anyway. Do not allow the melted chocolate to get any steam or wet into it. This means do not lift the bowl to see if the water is boiling. You don't want to risk water getting into the bowl. If water gets into the bowl, Bloody Mary will drench you in third rate vodka before breaking all of your mirrors.

Stab the naked balls and dip them into the chocolate using the screwdriver and put them back where you found them. Take no more than 6-10 few out of the fridge at a time unless it is really cold in your kitchen. Repeat until you are out of balls. Make sure all balls are in the fridge. You do not want warm balls

Pour the chocolate out on top of the bedpan that contains the rest of the brown mush. There should be about a quarter cm to a quarter inch of chocolate here, depending on how much chocolate you melted. Put pan in fridge.

When complete, place along the perimeter of your property. If you fail in this, you will have to eat chip chopped ham until it comes out of your ears.