Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer Perhaps accidentally the most successful reinvention of the popular film made into a tv series aka Brady Bunch take New Jersey premise in the history of the mass media, it has even led to the development of a religious movement, Buffyisrealism. Adherents believe in the unerring word of Joss Whedon, and even recommend he be forgiven for his involvement with Titan A.E.. note: Buffyisrealism is not to be confused with Buffy Israelism the belief that Buffy is Jewish.

Buffy/(trans-gender name Robbie) the Vampire Slayer

The First Three Seasons[edit]

known as the Wonder Years not to be confused by accident with the show staring Fred Savage but instead these Seasons were a "Wonder to believe". Accredited by some as the: "wonder what is going on" "poorly contrived years" as many plot line and story arches seemed to disappear by the next weeks introduction of a new arch enemy.

Joss Whedon lost a bet to Dr. Pokerface aka Lady Gaga PhD., and had to retool a forgettable film into a television super mega series. the Original Pilot featured Alice Cooper as Buffy and Twisted Sister as Willow the chick from band camp.

The first episode screened, "Welcome To Great Ragnarök", met with terrible ratings as the plot was too easy to figure out with the sophomoric Buffy receiving a smash to her nose from a evil football thrown accidentally by Angel (anyone could figure it out), so the show was quickly revamped. Fortunately, Mr Whedon lost yet another bet playing "Go Fish" with Raymond Sky, the president of England's SKY Television, who demanded that new and more confusing episodes be produced (and they were).

In order to poorly explain the vast unexplained plot of demonic forces that descend upon the town of Hell Mouth later to be changed to Sunny Dale each and every week, Whedon posited the main plot to be that the town had a sizable population of Evangelical witness relocated Christians who chase underage boys in graveyards (later changed to vampires chase girls)[same theme as Josie and the Pussycats}. Along with other actors Cameos with paranoid evil tourists who arrive from out of town via a Blood-Hound Bus cheaper than Greyhound then find and assist the forces of Evil lurking throughout the town. The show drew a huge audience of mostly sexually confused emo kids, some Vampire-Americans seeking assistance in their plight, a few confused and lonely housewives, and of course dirty but talented old men, who will later write many of the filler episodes for the show in attempt to unravel and or explain the confusing plot twists.

In the third season massively over budget and now reaching the 100th Episode; do to contractual disputes forcing some shows to be played at twice the speed. though Double Time Shows aired during Sweeps Weekand the Super bowl Halftime Show to get two shows an hour each in the same one hour Time slot added to the confusion. the Finally now called "Seniors Rule", culminated with Buffy leading her fellow graduates in the musical fulfillment of the The All American Teen Dream: they blew up their high school accidentally killing the boss for this level a giant 100 year old "Bug Eating Serpent Mayor".

The Fourth and Fifth Seasons[edit]

After the third season, the fourth and fifth seasons also called 4th & 5th Kind naturally followed do to no accidents on the set. As the plot twists continue having reached the age of 27, (in dog years)she finally graduated from Sophomoric Acting School High and began the what later became known as The Filler episodes(or college years) (written by perverts){see above} with such classics as: Buffy joins the local whorehouse, or Willow the chick from band camp becomes a lesbian which is always good for ratings. The tiny town of Hell Mouth had grown slowly over three years into a thriving metropolis called Sunny Dale now large enough to have such a fine establishment as its own community college called Hell U with their mascot the wood weevil. In later episodes with the confusing plot and the suddenly added plot twist thrown into the show the chick from band camp accidentally becomes a Bitch do to poor casting or bad writing for a spell which is always damaging to the Nielson ratings, with the absence of Angel Buffy accidentally falls for a deranged British punk band singer probably gaywho happened to be a vampire.

Buffy doing what she does best.

In one of the most controversial moves, Buffy was purchased by a Porn studio, then Buffy was impregnated by a trans gendered intelligent shade of blue Vulcan,that she met at the extended arm of a construction crane, she then died then resurrected out of the grave and quickly gave birth to a Plot twist one of confusing proportionsbringing an end to the fifth season. Named Rosy-fingered Dawn Treader, later the plot twist was to be recognized as the "key" that will either save the show or destroy it, this jail-bait ginger was clearly added to maintain the fan-boy audience,which was waining because of the British punk band incident they also felt distanced from the increasingly venereal senile cast. Dawn was heavily involved with multiple episode of tentacle rape hentai, was kept in the dark about her power,to confuse fans and, without the knowledge of her fake television family or the viewing audience at home, she was in fact a full-blown heroin addict. by the fifth season Buffy starts getting bored (after rising from the dead) the standard slaying of vampires by waiting in the dark graveyard and then jumping out and staking them causing them to explode in a puff of dust and smoke, but instead of outright killing them she blows them and then Fucks the shit out of them literally as Scat becomes a major theme of the continuing series, the vampire after being blinded and scatted by the amazing all night sex, would accidentally walk naked out in the sun and burst into flames.\

In the other most controversial move, Buffy, feeling the loss of Angel to Dr. Bones Brennan, blew Spike in his crypt. Spike, feeling a distant tingle of soulhood as the oral sex continued, this confused his Gay leaning and tendencies and decided that he loved the feeling more than men, and so, he also loved Buffy, and would probably fight heaven and hellperhaps in the finally to again experience her tender lips, ah, tenderness.

The Disputed Sixth and Seventh Seasons[edit]

Some buffyliteralists maintain that these seasons are not canonical or that they never happened and were created in the mind of the viewing audience by the same Vulcans who inserted Dawn Treader, "the brand new key", into the previous season. More people died before Buffy and her friends left the airwaves for good, at least until the floundering movie careers of the principal actors (except, surprisingly, for Alyson Hannigan) force them to do a reunion show.

The Eighth Season[edit]

[Paperback only]] This season takes place as the new slayer Kennedy (granddaughter of JFK, who comes back from the dead as a vampire in the fifth episode to become a major character for the remainder of the series) is drawn into a grave world where she has to fight a anthropologist named Dr. Bones Brennan in a battle of the Digger Pawls. A more sombre season than the previous ones, but still with the original wit that Alice Cooper so brilliantly portrayed earlier. The special musical episode with Freddie Prinze Jr takes the show to a new level of television perfection [1], only slightly better than the Bonanza rip-off Firefly [2].

Buffy as she looks after a fight with a vampire. Notice how she cleans up very nicely.

Characters[edit]

Throughout its eight-season history, the show had a large cast, consisting of characters taken straight out of Eastenders with a supernatural gimmick slapped on them. By the end of the show, most either died, left or vanished off the face of the Earth.

Main Characters[edit]

Buffy Summers - The Slayer, blonde, her age changes every season. Has dated two vampires, and a piece of cardboard. Buffy has died twice, once from not being able to swim, and the second she committed suicide to escape her sister Dawn Treader (aka The Annoying One). She was resurrected by her friends so she could pay their taxes and be in charge of their emotional baggage. Carries a stake with her all times for various "reasons". Has sex that's rough and kills people.

Xander Harris - Buffy's best friend and Dracula's butt monkey. Cracks jokes all the time and has no brain. After school, Xander works with Bob the Builder, and lives in his parents' basement. He nearly married Anya but dumps her due to not allowed to be anything other than comic relief. Very nice though.

Willow Rosenberg - A redheaded girl who went to band camp. She starts off as a nerd, but becomes a drugged-up witch and a lesbian. She dated a werewolf, another witch and a reincarnated John F. Kennedy. In the sixth season, Willow starts taking drugs, breaks up with Tara, Tara gets shot, and Willow is possessed by Samara Morgan until Xander bear hugs her into submission.

Rupert Giles - A Gay British immigrant and Buffy's Watcher. Talks nonsense and takes his glasses off every episode. It was eventually revealed that he was an illegal immigrant and was deported, but returned to Sunny-Dale whilst holding the plot twist at gunpoint. Once was accidentally called Ripper.

Joss Whedon aka The Powers that Be - Also called the First Evil, Joss Whedon is a character responsible for the plot twist as only the audience can see him and he appears as the main evil in the seventh season of Buffy and all of Angel.

Cordelia Chase - A stuck-up, self-obsessed cheerleader lady. She dates Xander, but ditches him to hang out with Angel in Los Angeles. She becomes more and more bearable until she end up having sex with a snotty teenage boy who's diapers she was changing a few episodes earlier. Then she dies turns into the black chick from firefly and is defeated in the fifth season on Angel.

Angel - Buffy's first boyfriend, a leather-clad vampire with a big forehead and stupid hair. Once a menacing arsonist named Angelus, Angel was given back his soul when he killed Mystic Meg's daughter. In the second season, he turns evil after getting it on with Buffy, but turned good again only to ditch Buffy to get his own television show.

Oz - A gay pot smoking green environmentalist werewolf, fumbling with his guitar becomes Willow's boyfriend, played by Seth Green. While at first he looks like a werewolf, he turns into a hairy turd (possibly green) in later episodes. He leaves Willow to create Robot Chicken.

Spike - A whiny punk vampire who has Billy Idol's retro hairstyle(constantly raises a fist and says "Eyes without a face"). He has killed two Slayers accidentally, and goes through every character trait in the book including "homosexual fancy boy" and "cat girl". He became Buffy's third sex buddy accidentally, got his soul back accidentally, and then sacrificed himself to save the plot twist and the confusing ending of the show accidentally. He was resurrected in the fifth season of Angel due to an accident in a meth lab causing a flash mob of pissed emos or girls to write letters to the Powers That Be for killing off the character "oz" that made most of the last two seasons of Buffy bearable.

Anya - A retarded vengeance demon who dates Xander for most of the show. Is very high maintenance as He leaves her at the alter, and she eventually is killed in the last episode by a shaving knife accident.

Dawn Summers aka The Treader - Buffy's younger half blood sister, the plot twist created by The Powers that Be from a magical key and Buffy's hormone spoog. She was used by a transsexual trans-gendered goddess from Transylvania named Glory to open a gate built at the top of a construction crane to unleash Disneyland, but Buffy wanting out of contract committed suicide to close the gate and get away from Spike's constant whining. Dawn then became mostly an annoying kleptomaniac but later grows to become more of a mature character just in time for the Finally.

Tara Maclay - Willow's not so pretty girlfriend. She doesn't really do much, splits from Willow, gets back together with her, but then gets shot out of the blue adding to the confusing theme.

Jennifer Calendar - Giles' girlfriend and an ICT teacher. It is revealed in the second season that she is a gypsy and was put in Sunnydale to make sure Angel remained miserable. This went wrong and Angel accidentally broke her neck whilst trying to give her a massage.

Riley Finn - A G.I.Joe wannabe who acted as Buffy's second boyfriend strait out of Scooby Do shcoll. Is on drugs with dawn for most of his scenes, gets off the drugs with the help of Adam and is eventually replaced by a piece of cardboard in the fifth season. It is then discovered that he has really weird sexual fantasies so he joins the American army in order to have friends who understand his 'needs'.

Joyce Summers - Buffy's naive super supportive mother. Has sex with Giles and runs an imaginary art exhibit. She eventually dies after Dawn accidentally lobotomies her brain. Her ex-husband got lost in Spain.

The Big Bad Evils[edit]

Buffy's hotter sister

The Master - The first season's villain. A burn victim turned vampire, the Master spent seventy years rocking out in a church basement waiting for the Harvest to arrive. He spends his time talking creepily, wearing leather and spending special time with a little boy. He rapes Buffy but is killed when she pushes him onto a plank of wood. His corpse is later smashed by Buffy with an awesome sledgehammer.

The Anointed One - A boy with no personality, sired by the Master into becoming his sidekick, because creepy kids are fun. He is killed by Spike via suntan.

Drusilla - Spike's sire. A delirious and stupid vampire who is constantly stoned. She was previously a nun until Angel got in on with her. She can see visions of the future, and memorably predicted the creation of Wikipedia, much to the horror of Spike and Angel.

Darla - Angel's original girlfriend. She was killed by Angel but was resurrected in Angel to turn Angel evil again. She later popped up pregnant and killed herself, her baby somehow surviving the dusting process by his incredibly stupid head..

Ethan Rayne - Giles' ex-lover who has a habit of pretending to be evil, but not really doing anything about it. l and then sticking around to gloat. In his appearances, he has turned people into costumes, made chocolate and turned Giles into a goat. His smirk has a personality of its own. Is killed later in the comic books by bloody Americans.

Mayor Richard Wilkins III - Sunny Dale's 100+ year old mayor and still in his 40's. For some reason he wishes to become a demon and eats bugs to accomplish this. He hates bad language, sex, drugs and everything else related to rock and roll. He eventually turns into a giant snake but sneezes and explodes, taking the high school with him.

Adam - A poor man's Terminator, created by Professor Maggie Walsh. Part man, part demon, part Arnie, Adam wants everyone to die so he can be awesome. He is killed by the power of friendship.

Glory and Ben - A goddess inside a guy's body, lucky him. Banished from her original dimension, Glory is a stuckup idiot who likes to lobotomise other people for fun. Tara briefly became a victim until her brain was saved by Willow. Giles made out with Glory through Ben, the two dying of shock.

Warren Mears - A talking rabbit who likes building robotic women for vampires to have sex with. He turns evil, murders Tara and is suitably skinned, butchered and set on fire by Willow, although he somehow survives into the comic book of Season 8, though he is without skin. Sadly, that part is not a joke.

Caleb - Joss Whedon's preaching husband who speaks in a weird accent. His facial features eventually slide off his face and dies when Buffy kicks him in the groin, causing his body to fall apart.

Not-Sissy-Vampire-Novel-But-Happens-To-Be-A-Vampire Twilight - Turns out to be Angel, who seeks revenge on Buffy for her show being on longer than his. Teams up with Riley and the rest of Buffy's Seven Evil Exes. Buffy's husband, Spike acts as Scott Pilgrim and defeats them all with his badass Britishness.

Other Characters[edit]

Kendra aka Faith - A Slayer who became the second Slayer to spice things up a bit. She is scared of boys, terrified of hugging people, and speaks with a funny (Jamacian/Irish/Scottish hybrid) accent. She is killed by the retarded vampire Drusilla who cuts her with her ridiculousy long special-magnificent-vampire-nailswhen Buffy abandons her to go have sex with Angel for the second time.

Who ever wrote this knows shit all lol, kendra and faith were 2 completely different slayers

The Merchandising[edit]

Currently, Buffy merchandising includes action figures, dolls (see action figures), lunch boxes, kitty litter, Ham radios, t-shirts, lego pieces, Halloween masks, fanfic, videogames, pens, novels, comics,[3] henna, luteotropin, kitchen utensils, fertilizer, mouthwash, furniture, spaghetti sauce, novelty condoms, trading cards, role playing games, elephant towers, tools for getting stones out of horses hooves, dog food, and several types of peanut butter (smooth, chuncky, or bloody).

Notes[edit]

  1. Please note that season 8 is actually in the ancient medium of comic book. Much is still to be discovered about the comic book, a highly formed means of communication discovered in the dessert... ahem, desert of Australia in 106 BC. Much of this is irrelevant, but the point is that the comic book form made the Oscar winning Musical Episode even more special.
  2. Cows in space? Yeah, right!
  3. Much is still to be... oh, wait, we did that already.