Bugles

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Having existed since the dawn of time, Bugles are a traditional Irish snack food created from the molted exoskeletons of cicadas and/or recycled feminine hygiene products. Considered a delicacy by some and a virulent scourge upon the Native American people by others, such as Sigmund Freud and the manager of a southern Indiana pornography distributorship, they have been banned in 27 of the 35 mostly unknown Canadian provinces.

Bugles Today[edit]

Generally accepted as a tasty corn-flavored styrofoam food substitute, Bagles are often consumed by paraplegic war veterans, people who play Dungeons and Dragons, and Canadians who illegally import the Bugles or construct a home-brewed variety from old newspapers and otter feces in refurbished crystal meth labs.

What Will They Come Up With Next?[edit]

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view or cult membership), the Bugle product - currently packaged in a retired Russian plutonium mine - may soon be taken off the market, resulting from internet rumors that this product, and not his ability to sing too well, may have resulted in Bob Marley's body cancer. In addition to these steps taked by several third-world country's food and/or radiation safety boards, the Bugle was already threatened by its natural enemies - the AMC Gremlin and acid rain.

Other Interesting Facts About Bugles[edit]

  • Dropping Bugles was considered as a less-threatening gesture toward the Japanese cities of Hirsoshima and Nagasaki during WWII, but abandoned in favor of total annihilation.
  • Bugles are not named after the musical instrument because of their shape, as was written in the works of Nostradamus. In fact, the instrument is named after the "food" because those who consume Bugles will often utter a low "horn-like" sound before either spontaneously combusting or humping a nearby camel.
  • Bugles will combust in an open-air enviornment.
  • Due to their dangerously long half-life, Bugles are illegal to ship via US Mail, but are instead moved deep below ground by an army of mole-people.
  • Kentuckistan is a Bugle-lover's paradise.

Can The Bugle Be Saved?[edit]

A small and relatively unnoticed group of Bugles supporters have arisen since rumors of the demise of the product. In an effort to save the Bugle from it's untimely demise, these radicals have formed a religion of Bugle worship. Their beliefs revolve around working for the eternal existence and salvation of the Bugle, working in tech support call centers, humping camels (a side affect of Bugle consumption,) and pretending not to eat meat or wear leather. Although they are small in terms of church membership (having only three bajilion members throughout 63 known star systems,) the zealots this faith, known throughout the Alpha and Beta Quadrants as PETA, have succeeded in killing hundreds of Red Chinese in the name of the Bugle, and may eventually succeed in saving the ill-fated snack product. It is suggested that if you agree with the tenets of this Bugle-worshipping faith, you would be well-advised to join your local PETA chapter, and bring your own photon torpedoes, as you will have to blow up a McDonalds or Kentuckistan Fried Chicken to attain enlightenment status. However, if you are pro-anti-Bugle, pray to your favorite god for the banishment of the product.