Bugs Bunny
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“Eh..What's up doc?”
~ Bugs Bunny on finding his wife in bed with another rabbit.
“ What's up doc? do I look like a doctor to you, you daft rodent?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bugs Buny's damnned catch-phrase
Hershel Vera Rita Rafael Isaac Goldenberg Maya Rabinovich Mayer I'Bonnet II (August 26, 1940 - January 11, 2004), commonly known under his stage name Bugs Bunny ('cause he bugged just about everyone standing there chewing on his stupid carrot with his stupid sup doc), was a famous Jewish/American actor, xylophonist, Mythical Creature and recluse, and was the first person to swear on US network television. He is most famous for appearing as a green bunny in the movie What's Up, Doc? alongside Christopher Lee and Vincent Price, a role for which he won an Academy Award for portraying 'Lil Timmy. he is also famous for his anti-barbeque commercials ("Think before you choose to grill, or you'll end up with a hospital bill!")
His brother, Muffs Bunny is a convicted felon and all-around jerkfaced idiotbrained sissyhead.
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[edit] Early life
Bugs Bunny was born in Chihuahua, Mexico on a barbeque on the 26th of August, 1940 to Jose and Maria Bunny in the middle of lunchtime. Jose Bunny was a xylophone salesperson, and had sold xylophones to many people of note, including Marilyn Monroe, Albert Einstein and the rotting corpse of Pope John XIV in what was considered at the time somewhat of a marketing coup.
Jose and Maria came up with the original name for him, "Burned Barbeque Back Boy". This was later changed to Alberto, and they later gave young Alberto the nickname "Bugs" as, for a very short time, that was all that he would eat. Indeed, until his death, he still considered dung beetles as one of the world's finest delicacies, often serving up culinary classics such as Dung Beetle Curry and Les Bousiers Provençale to his startled dinner guests.
From a young age, Bugs played the xylophone with relish, before realising that putting relish on the xylophone tended to make things overly messy and detracted from the actual music somewhat. By the age of five, Bugs was at concerto level, and at age six he played a selection of classic tunes to a captivated Chihuahua audience, including Spanish Flea, The Further Adventures of the Spanish Flea and the five-hour epic Return To The Valley Of The Spanish Flea.
Bugs would not take up acting until he was aged seventeen. He was inspired by the classic Plan 9 From Outer Space, which he saw at his local cinema. He became convinced that his future was in Hollywood, and at the age of eighteen he crossed the USA-Mexico border in search of fame, fortune and (something that he had recently become rather more interested in) women. Later,he would develop his accent when he moved to Brooklyn-Bronx,NY.
[edit] The early Hollywood years
Young Bugs attempted to get work in any way that he could, even if this meant degrading himself somewhat. His first documented work came in 1958, on the set of Young Mexican Action, vol. 34, as Mexican #7. He only had two lines, those being "Yes!" and "Where should I insert the pineapple, señor?" A year later, he had a part in the seven-hour epic comedy Is That A Carrot In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me, playing "Turnip Tommy", the superhero with the ability to dissolve sugar merely by adding water to it. It was on the set of this movie that he first met Larry Hovis, the comedian and television psychologist--best known for playing the title role on The New Dick Van Dyke Show--who was to become his mentor and brother-in-law.
Two other movies of note were The Crushinator, where he played Thor Facethwacker, an evil zombie robot sent from the future in order to make bad clichéd jokes about the past, and Sleazy Dangerous Affair Liasons, voted by Irish Fillum Magazine readers as "The most homogenous film in history".
He was asked to play a role in the Quentin Tarantino epic Barbecue Fiction, but turned it down because of his fear of barbecues. He did, however, star in another one of his "Backyard Movies", Lawnmower Dogs, in which he gets famously chopped up.
Critics at the time had noted that Bugs seemed to be a rather good actor, but never got a chance due to the terrible nature of the movie plots and his co-stars. In particular, in The Crushinator, Bugs was forced to work next to a robot called "Robokillotron 2000", which in actual fact was just an Albanian dwarf painted in glitter.
[edit] What's Up, Doc?
Luckily, the now 22-year-old Bugs was to get his big break, playing the lead role of 'Lil Timmy in the 1962 movie What's Up, Doc?, alongside Vincent Price and Christopher Lee,and Daffy Duck(who would later become Bugs' archnemesis in the far future.
In the movie, Bugs plays "'Lil Timmy ", a rough-and-tough action hard rabbit dude. He is trapped inside a hospital after trying to steal his girlfriend Juliana's ( played by Lola Bunny ) medical records,given she was infected with a needle containing Hepatitis and there were hints in her file as to what to save her life,since he loves her,he'll do anything for her,as the movie illustrates, while vampire doctors and zombie nurses flitter through the corridors, occasionaly devouring innocent patients. Christopher Lee played the major villain,an evil demonic possessed monster/janitor named Nastyferatu. To survive, he must eat the hospital food, in a scene so gruesome that thirty seconds were cut by the censors to get it down to even an R certificate. Eventually, Timmy and three other lucky patients (played by Daffy Duck, Chuck Norris, and Vincent Price ) escape by finally forcing the evil janitor to unlock the fire escapes, much to the Nastyferatu's distaste (and just before almost being devoured by Nastyferatu). Nastyferatu was killed when he got hanged by Timmy outside the hospital's windows at night. Timmy becomes a worldwide hero and he ends the movie saying to his now-wife,"Whenever u have trouble,call me..." He then leaves,running into the sunset ,when the movie was about to finish,when out of no where ,under a manhole pops out Timmy's sinister dad saying," He's good.My son's good."Immediately, the movies abruptly,making thousands believe there was to be a sequel, though the film makers werent too sure.
The movie, considered to be so far ahead of its time that it had actually fallen through a wormhole from another dimension (a concept covered in a later Bugs Bunny movie, The Movie That Fell Through A Wormhole From Another Dimension), won six Oscars, one of which was for Bugs' performance. Speaking afterwards, a happy Bugs joked to the press that "I wish that the damn thing [the Oscar] was made out of carrots!" Sadly, as part of an advertising scheme with Hershey's, the Oscar was made out of chocolate instead, causing it to melt all over the back seat of Bugs' cream leather-upholstered car.
The word Doc, coming from early urban slang, he's grey on the outside, but black on the inside.
[edit] The Bugs Bunny Show
Bugs was now the cream of Hollywood (although he wasn't covered in chocolate). Wishing to improve his career further, in 1963 he began his own television program, The Bugs Bunny Show. This was a live variety show, featuring singers, dancers, elephants, trapeze artists, elephant trapeze artists, firebreathers, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Male Voice Choir, comedy, prizes and a man with a block of cheese on his nose. The show was an instant success, and it soon amassed over seventy billion viewers, a figure considerably higher than any other show before or since.All the time, Bugs was still making movies and breaking into new ventures.
The Bugs Bunny Show carried on amassing a large audience week to week, and two further films - Yosemite Sam: Rebel With A Brick' and Titanic II: An Iceberg Too Far went on to amass several squillion dollars at the box office. He was even offered his own film franchise, Galaxy Cruisers, where he played the intergalactic space captain K'noFL Sc'noFL spLU'ng III, "ruler of LLLLLLLLLmmkd'nasi 8, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife".
[edit] The Swearing Incident
However, this success was not to last. All it took to bring Bugs down to earth was one word.
On September 24 1968, Bugs was presenting his show, live from Hollywood. On the show that evening was a man who claimed that he could hum the theme tune to The Beverly Hillbillies while juggling jars of ascorbic acid. Sadly, during the performance, a stage hand sneezed loudly, causing the juggler to drop his jars - all over Bugs' brand new suede shoes. The rest of the acid was cleaned up using a disposable tissue.
"Oh #$%*, Rodney! Why you always gotta to be a clutz for!" Bugs exclaimed as he brandished his brass knuckles on live television.
Understandably, everyone who watched the program was outraged. Everyone. The Television Complaints Commission were inundated with calls for over thirty years, while an angry mob descended upon Bugs' Hollywood studio, each and every one of them wanting blood (or at least an autograph). The government were forced to step in, with President Jed Bartlet himself calling for the show to be dropped immediately - which it was (the first plan was to barbeque Bugs to death). Bugs was released from his contract a day later, and the long awaited sequel to Galaxy Cruisers was released in only one cinema nationwide, and even that was heavily edited down to a three second long version (which the critics still hated).
[edit] Later years
After the Bugs Bunny show was cancelled, and with his public persona now reduced to that of a turd on a stick, Bugs turned into a recluse. He retreated to his California mansion, Bunnyham Palace, and refused to let anyone in through the gate. He would only go outside to tend to his plants (only some of which were narcotics) and his prized collection of carrots, although he did go outside once to molest 3 children.
During this time, many different news organisations, gossip magazines and Jehovah's Witnesses attempted to interview Bugs, without any success. One reporter even tried to dig a tunnel underneath Bugs' house, surfacing in the wine cellar, but unfortunately he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and surfaced in the bedroom of Yosemite Sam.
[edit] Roger Rabbit and Mickey Mouse
During this time, Bugs Bunny underwent a period of paranoia, thinking that he'd been replaced on purpose by other cartoon characters. It is believed that he was responsible for the murder of Mickey Mouse, who had become far more richer than Bugs ever was at this point. He was also responsible for causing Roger Rabbit to flee to Great Britain to evade his hired thugs who had been paid to kill him, the Anti-Bugs Bunny League.
[edit] Acme Looniversity
In 1990, Bugs witnessed a couple of underage bunnies, Babs and Buster Bunny, trying to make their own cartoon. Bugs sexed them up, then drew a city and a school with the resulting semen and named them Acme Acres and Acme Looniversity, respectively. He became the principal of Acme Looniversity and also taught a class on how to make enemies. To reduce stress, he hired all his friends and enemies to be teachers there, but this wasn't enough, for he fell in love with student Fifi La Fume and started fapping to various pictures of her. His computer's startup sound was even the sound of her screaming and moaning as the result of an orgasm. In 1994, however, Fifi found him in his office fapping to a picture of her performing fellatio on her classmate Sneezer. Bugs thought, "What the hell. She already found out my secret." He then raped that bitch. To make sure she didn't talk, he killed her, but the school's gossip Shirley the Loon saw and told the whole town. The school was shut down and Bugs was fired.
[edit] Space Hammertime
However, Bugs soon had a chance encounter with the popular rapper MC Hammer. Hammer had bought the mansion next door to Bugs, rechristening it The House Of Hammer, and even going so far as to erecting a hundred-foot tall hammer in his back garden.
On the evening on the September 12 1994, one of the guyropes holding the hammer in place snapped, sending the hammer plummeting into Bugs' back garden, crushing his petunias, killing several dung beetles and making a right mess of the humourously-arranged cacti. A distraught Bugs ran into the garden, shouting and screaming his head off, until he noticed that the owner of the hammer was none other than MC Hammer himself. Bugs had been a fan of Hammer's clean rap stylings for some time, and had no idea that he was in fact living next to his idol. Likewise, Hammer had rated The Crushinator and Mr. Ladel's Insane Adventures!!!, two of Bugs' earlier movies, as his two favorite movies of all time. Bugs and Hammer became instant friends.
Hammer, at this time, was wanting to expand his career into movies, and saw Bugs as a perfect way to make a name for himself in Hollywood. After several months of coercing and cajoling, Bugs finally offered to make a prequel to the popular Galaxy Cruisers.
Seven months after the hammer of Hammer hammered Bugs' bugs, Galaxy Cruisers III: Space Hammertime was released to the world at large. Unfortunately, it was slated by all of the critics - one critic for the Grauniad said that "the only way this movie could have been made any better would have been for it to fall into a passing space/time vortex and flushed into the non-existance of hyperspace like the piece of intergalactic space shit that it is." The movie flopped at the box office, led Bugs back into hiding, and finished off MC Hammer's career for good. It was at this time that MC Hammer caught the highly dangerous Name Shortening Syndrome, and became just Hammer.
In a rare interview in 1998, Bugs told Entertainment Every-Other-Weekly that "making Galaxy Cruisers III was his second biggest mistake ever, just slightly behind French-kissing Walter Matthau while drunk."
[edit] Homosexual Controversy
Historians have debated over the topic of whether or not Bugs was homosexual. Proponents of the theory suggest that his constant kissing of known masochist and Dick Cheney supporter Elmer Fudd are concrete proof, while others claim that his homosexuality is demonstrated in the fact that he's a "cute little furry rabbit who walks around butt ass naked."
This theory has not been without its critics, however. His public love-affair with teen heart throb Lola Bunny (see Space Jam) has always been cited as strong proof of his being straight, although it is argued by many that if he was really with her, he would be "doing the nasty," as rabbits like to "do the nasty."
Many have also noted the fact that although Bugs is a rabbit of some sort, he never seems to leave those little pebble bowel movements all around the place, as is characteristic of members of his species. This has lead some to believe that his rear end is somehow augmented in some way as to increase the "gay Fudd lovin'."
[edit] Marriage/later years
He then married long time lover Lola Bunny,but not after getting laid by Lindsay Lohan. He said licking her ass was the most wonderful thing he ever did. Later, he became a Christian,though he was never relieved of his constipation or his urge of raping minors.He had 700 nieces and nephews, and adopted 1001 bunnies, which he all raped.
Bugs died on January 11 2004, aged 63, after a long and painful battle against boredom, complicated by the sudden onset of Touching Yourself Syndrome. He was emaciated at the time of death because he had a roommate named Spanky who cooked everything on a barbecue and refused to eat it.
The ghost of Vincent Price said of Bugs, "He was a fine man, a great gentleman, and could cook up a mean Carrot and Dung Beetle Casserole." Christopher Lee called Bugs "as mad as a hatter, but with a heart of gold, or possibly tungsten, which is an under-rated metal in my opinion." MC Hammer, now known simply as Ham noted that Bugs "would be shizzling his nizzle up in heavizzle, word yo." Jesus said "He was funny and undoubtly gifted. Bugs Rocked my billion year old socks off! I'm glad he came to accept me as his Lord and Savior,because with all that booty-raping,he was fixin'to go to Rabbit Hell!!!"
Not everyone shared the same opinion however. Daffy Duck was quoted saying "He was a spotlight hogging bastard. Now, my reason for trying to take it from him was because that is what he used to do to me when he was new talent. Ironic, huh? Fucking glory hog."
Kinnikuman, who wrestled Bugs for the 5,000th time at Wrestlemania 1000000, also stated, "He tried to cheat in the match. Though he was amazingly kicking my ass anyways." Their feud ended after Bugs won with a trick which ended up with him being ran over by an airplane and put him in traction for two months.
Bugs Bunny is rumored to actually be alive and well, living in a condo with Elvis Presley, Bigfoot, Marylin Monroe, The Loch Ness Monster, Mortimer Mouse, Amelia Earheart, Lord Lucan, Princess Anistasia, and The Jersey Devil.
[edit] Trivia
- He is one of Super Soldiers worst enemies and he got the shit beat out of him after he stole one of Super Soldier's hamwinkies.
- Bugs Bunny has a severe case of tourettes syndrome,which makes him blurt out random swear words at television commercials, wildlife, babies, the elderly, and anything else that happens to be making any noise or sudden movement.
- Got his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson. He has since worn a prosthetic ear.
- Confessed to giving Barbaro a debilitating leg injury.
- Collaborated with Marilyn Manson and Jack Johnson for the song "There ain't Nothin' Like Home, Dorothy".
- Fought Alexander the Great for control of Greece.
- Bugs once fought Satan with the help of the Super Friends, David Blaine, Constantine, and Prince.
- Was responsible for ending Bill Murray's career.
- Proclaimed that he has slept with over '6000 famous chicks' including: Angelina Jolie, Ashley Massaro, Jenny McCarthy, Kristen Kruek and a lot more. The list of famous chicks is currently on ebay.
- Was the 44th President of the United States of America.
- He killed Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton
- Invented the carrot in 1892
- Married Ms.Pacman and now has 3 kids, Bugsy,retardsy,and armidillo.
- Owns a countryside villa in Tibet.
- Bugs bunny's carrot is in fact a heroine cigarette.
[edit] Selected Filmography
- The Wacky but True Misadventures of Efram the Retarded Rabbit - Efram the Retarded Rabbit (uncredited) (1935)
- The Slappy Squirrel Show - Crash Gordon (1936)
- Citizen Kane - Orson Welles (1939)
- Young Mexican Action, vol. 34 - Mexican #7 (1958)
- Is That A Carrot In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Pleased To See Me? - "Turnip Timmy" (1959)
- Mr. Ladel's Insane Adventures!!! - Thomas á Becket (1959)
- The Crushinator - Thor Facethwacker (1960)
- Sleazy Dangerous Affair Liasons - Rowdy Sprocket (1961)
- What's Up, Doc? - Lil Timmy (1962)
- The Bugs Bunny Show - Himself (1963 - 1968) (TV)
- Bugs Bunny's Animated Adventures - Himself (1964, pilot episode only) (TV)
- Yosemite Sam: Rebel With A Brick - Yosemite Sam (1964)
- Titanic II: An Iceberg Too Far - Seamus O'Lordy (1965)
- The Movie That Fell Through A Wormhole From Another Dimension - Elmer Fudd (1966)
- Herbie Goes Kablammo! - Aubernon Saltwhistle-Kipper (1967)
- Galaxy Cruisers - K'noFL Sc'noFL spLU'ng III (1967)
- Galaxy Cruisers 2 - The ghost of K'noFL Sc'noFL spLU'ng III (1968)
- Galaxy Cruisers 3 - Space Hammertime - K'noFL Sc'noFL spLU'ng II ("The Cool Carrot") (1993)
- Your Mom: The Movie-Your Sister (2005, he was Nominated for worst-dressed actor that year)
