Bukkake Brigade

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“No! Don't touch me there! NO! No, Garby, THAT'S A BAAAAD GARBY!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Bukkake Brigade

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The Bukkake Brigade are an extremely odd collection of individuals whose interests are many and varied, although one common thread links them all: Bukkake. In the name of this pursuit, they have travelled far and wide, and apparently across time, as their shenanigans have been documented in places as far and wide as the creation of the giraffe on Earth 200 million years ago (mistakenly attributed to Ford Prefect) to the cyborg monkey rebellion on Ceti Alpha V in the year 3035 A.D.

Origins[edit]

The origins of the Bukkake Brigade are unclear, since at no point in time can their first actions be seen, due to their time-travelling. It is known that the founding member (and president) is The Albino Arab, and that Brigadiers Garby and Xiphius joined shortly thereafter.

Rumors state that the Brigade formed in the early part of the 21st century, and that other Brigadiers joined shortly thereafter. While there are only twelve Brigadiers, it is understandable, since the admissions process is incredibly difficult.

Brigadiers[edit]

There are currently 13 active Brigadiers, and one deceased Brigadier.


The Albino Arab[edit]

Seen here at his sexy best: The Albino Arab.

Little is known about the first son of Gordon Freeman, the Albino Arab. Current observations have led us to believe that he is in fact neither albino nor Arabian, but still sexy enough to get away with it. His origins are unclear; however, it has been proven that he was a wet toothpick salesman during the Dong Dynasty in Derkaderkastan. The constant abuse by the invading armies of Genghis Itis may have been what brought about his bukkake-loving ways. In 1066, he teamed up with Vin Diesel and Captain Planet (both gods at the time) to defeat the Manglo-Thaicheese hordes, ancestors of the Chodes. Garby, having borne witness to their exploits, decided that a secret global society should be created with the task of countering the evil of Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr, the architect of the invasion and an ancestor of Usuq M'Diq. Thus, the Bukkake Brigade was created.

Xiphius[edit]

The love child of Vlad the Impaler and a black leather La-Z-Boy couch, Xiphius has long struck fear into the hearts of Chodes, assholes, and females alike. Unlike most of the other Brigadiers, Xiphius is aggressively straight, although this does not prevent Garby and Master Steve from molesting him. Oftentimes other Brigadiers will find hours of amusement simply in watching Garby and Steve chase Xiphius around the Hinata Inn, or whatever locale they may be frequenting at the time. (This is also applicable with Moorio, but since he was more prone to simply knock Garby out in seconds, it was less interesting. This has changed recently, as Garby has gotten better at dodging).

Never ever insult Xiphius' mother. Note: The fellow pictured here got better later.

Unbeknownst to many, but knownst to us, Xiphius' secret hero is, in fact, Captain Planet, whose admission to the Justice League he has long campaigned for. Nevertheless, the Captain's bling-blingin' belt has yet to be proven of sufficient value for entrance to the league.

Xiphius does admit, however, that Heart is a shitty power. The only reason he allows the bearer of Heart to live is the monkey.

Garby[edit]

Unconditionally accepted as the most perverse member of the Brigade, Garby is "Trysexual", in his case, meaning that he will try anything at least once, and probably more than once. Unlike other members of the Brigade, Garby is immune to Xiphius' defenses, mostly due to the fact that they all distinctly arouse him. While one of the faster members of the Brigade when in combat, the aura of Garby's perversity is much stronger than that of his battle spirit, (much like Master Happosai of the Anything-Goes School of Martial Arts, who is in fact an honorary Brigadier). Garby's special techniques are as follows.

Flying Headhump[edit]

When used, Garby can leap distances of up to 150 feet, attaching himself to the legs of his opponent and humping vigorously, in many cases with sufficient force to break said leg. In cases where the entire Brigade has joined forces against one enemy, Garby will maintain his grip so as to give the enemy a harder time of striking back. (In the case of Agent Smith the Albino Arab was forced to use his Secretion technique to remove Garby from Smith's leg long after the combat was finished.) The technique was developed via an intense study of headcrabs, with whom Garby has a natural affinity.

Cicada Shell[edit]

A technique learned from the aforemented Master Happosai, the Cicada Shell technique is one Garby claims he uses for "reconnaissance," by which he means spying unnoticed in girl's locker rooms. While he is using this technique, Garby can be neither seen nor attacked, although he cannot attack either.

Master Steve[edit]

A rather dirty fellow, Master Steve has come close to being arrested by local authorities several times, and once was apprehended in 1990. After his arrest, police found photographs that Gazmo had taken of Steve with various things up his anus: one showed him with a wine-bottle, another with a telephone handset, and another with a table leg. Unfortunately, the pictures weren't found until after police had drunken from the wine-bottle, talked on the phone, and beat a minority member with the table leg.

Typically seen in a homemade trenchcoat, Master Steve put the L in lesbians everywhere (as well as his cock). They unfortunately ceased to be lesbians afterwards, and demanded that he do it again. It is for this reason that the Brigade is constantly travelling, because those [former] lesbians are persistent as hell.

Trenchcoat Mayhem[edit]

In which Master Steve uses his trenchcoat to disguise the location of his body - the technique is stolen from any number of 1970s chop-socky flicks, although Master Steve's version is considerably more erotic.

Cock of Doom[edit]

In which Master Steve gets an uber-boner by reading particularly sexy JavaScript code, and uses his cock as a club in battle. It was in fact at the head of Master Steve's cock that Kublai Khan met his death (after being bitch slapped by Brian Boitano). Master Steve didn't just kill Khan, he knocked his head clean off. The feat has never been duplicated since then (even by Master Steve).

Teabagger[edit]

The brother of Garby, the Teabagger is perhaps for this reason the fastest runner in the Brigade. He pioneered the now legendary Tounge of Fury, and is also for some reason able to withstand the devastating effect of Master Steve's flatulence without the aid of any form of nose protection.

Gazmo[edit]

Known and feared everywhere as the Wielder of the Electric Katando, Gazmo is probably best known for his fondness of dressing in grass skirts and mocking his lawnmower. He also claims to have once screwed a pizza, and has an interesting tale to tell concerning such. However, in reality it is more likely that Garby screwed the pizza, and was merely too drunk to remember doing it. Gazmo's place of origin is Limestone County, Alabama, where he was initially instructed in the ways of rolling a joint by Chevy Chase.

Katando Thrust[edit]

Once used to defeat an entire SWAT team in the early 1960s, Gazmo's Katando is generally most effective when used as a staff - it goes without saying that he is quite adept at such.

Fist of the White Swan[edit]

By killing a small white bird (not necessarily a swan), Gazmo can then use the corpse for things previously thought impossible except in carefully controlled laboratories. Garby once commented that seeing it performed was "catastrophically erotic" and then refused to further comment.

Gazmo performing the famous and feared Reesegasm.

Poon-Jabbie[edit]

Probably the most versatile of the Brigade; Poon-Jabbie is a goth who relishes in any form of sexuality (including gayness), but is staggeringly straight, and will tear your face off if you imply that he's queer. P.J. was born into a humble family in rural Texas, U.S.A. As he grew up, he became increasingly erotic, and soon was too sexually unstable to live a normal life. His family called an institution for the clinically insane to haul him off, but he was able to escape by seducing the guards in the big white van (who were male.) He scampered through the woods of Texas for awhile, and made his way to Japan (nobody's quite sure how. We think he was following the directions of one Ryoga Hibiki.) He was found by the Bukkake Brigade poking the unconcious body of a chode with a spoon. They realized they had on their hands a veritable "potter's clay," and took him in. He was first taught the ways of "The Goth" by Master Steve, he moved on to "Homoeroticism 101" with the mighty Garby, on to "The STRAIGHT path," taught by Xiphius, Reese the Amazing Gazmo taught him in the ways of orgasmic combat, he learned the ways of "Drunk-Fu" from Moorio, and his education was completed with "The Collected Works of James Alleman on the Subject of Computer Programing," taught by the Brigade's leader himself, The Albino Arab. At that point, he was locked in a room, left to his own devices to discover his own identity. Several weeks, multiple buckets of blood and fecal matter, and many tears later, he emerged as Poon-Jabbie; a master of penitration in any form. His weapon of choice is a pair of specially designed rubber falice boxing gloves.

Punch of Collosal Penetration[edit]

Poon-Jabbie's special technique; PCP was designed to please the victim to such a degree that they are incapacitated (basically the same as most other BB attacks.) P.J. inserts his gloves into any oriface he can find, and the "Special Pleasure Enhancers" coating his gloves cause great amounts of extasy.

Super Soaker[edit]

P.J.'s secret technique; it covers those who fall victim to his wrath in a "Special Sauce" that solidifies rapidly into a glue-like substance. The "Special Sauce" is expelled from the ends of his boxing glove and genitalia. How the gloves are supplied with the sauce is a mystery. When questioned, P.J. simply replied, "Late nights with Garby." The interviewer asked if the fluid is supplied by Garby, but unfortunately, we never recieved an answer; contact with the interviewer was interupted. He was found a week later dead hanging from a tree by his phallus. No suspects have been found.

Viagron[edit]

Viagron's origins are among the most interesting of any Brigadier, as he was gestated in a tub of Viagra. However, in an unfortunate accident, a careless plant worker accidentally spilled some Chemical CHODE into the concoction, causing smoke, loud noises, John Bonham, Chii, and a cleanup on aisle five. In the midst of all this commotion, Viagron was formed in the muck, but he was left behind, as nobody noticed until later, when the Albino Arab, as was his custom, stopped by the plant. Viagron, being just created, had no man-juice. Fortunately, the Arab knew that Viagron was a product of divine intervention by the Great Freeman, and summoned forth Garby, who gave unto him the Drilldo. Viagron existed in this weakened condition for a number of days, until he was discovered by Dominatria, who taught him the ways of the tra-la-la.

Dominatria[edit]

Lady Jane Cockington retired from the Brigade in the mid 1990s but has recently returned, stating that she "wants to keep her hand in". As the Mistress of Instruction, her training provided the stiff backbone of all her came under her.

Mazel Tov (Deceased)[edit]

Mazel Tov became a member of the Brigade through an excessively boring interview in which the Brigade was searching for extra members to assist in their Japanese Division. His admittance into the Brigade was blamed on kitten huffing and excessive Everclear, as Mazel Tov, true to his title, turned out to be but a stupid Jew. He was killed in action when the Brigade discovered the Uber Underground Sex Monster. Technically, the Sex Monster discovered them first, which is why it was several seconds until they had realized that the monster had, in fact, killed Mazel Tov by eating the head right off his shoulders.

Chief Slapaho[edit]

Mazel Tov's younger brother, Chief Slapaho joined the Bukkake Brigade after literally seconds of fellating the Albino Arab. However, unlike Mazel Tov, who "suffered" the "fate" of the Uber Underground Sex Monster, Slapaho was merely relegated to a desk job upon the discovery of his Jewishness.

As with Mazel Tov, how he passed the entrance exams may never truly be known.

Lord Naughtyness[edit]

The second son of Freeman, Lord Naughtyness differs from the Albino Arab in that he does not usually hang around the Bukkake Brigade, preferring to remain in Japan so he can be close to his preferred prey, Schoolgirls.

While appearing to walk on two legs, Lord Naughtyness is in face a Tentacle monster, and is fond of using his tentacles to impale entire school buses of schoolgirls at one time. If approached by a known ally or friend, Lord Naughtyness is known to offer a schoolgirl to said person, much in the same manner a normal person would offer their friend a piece of gum.

Lord Naughtyness has been accused by various police officers of rape; however, he is always able to to shrug off such claims, because his victims nearly always "walk it off," (or, in Starfire's case, "fly it off.") In any event, everyone knows it doesn't count as rape if the alleged rapist yells "Surprise!" first, as determined in GNAA vs. the State of Georgia and Vin Diesel vs. Monica Lewinski.

Lord Naughtyness is usually always accompanied by an Asian schoolgirl, the identity of whom is unknown. Her usual role seems to be to give him an excuse to get into an area highly populated by other schoolgirls, but why she assists is a great mystery.

Surviving an Attack by Lord Naughtyness[edit]

Lord Naughtyness is easily distracted by shiny objects, and can thus be averted by keeping clean quarters, nickels, and other such things on your person at any given point in time - use them like chaff.

Note that this advice is useless to males, as Lord Naughtyness wouldn't touch you anyway.

Moorio[edit]

The Brigade's resident stoner type, he is also very fond of Everclear, and even wrote a cookbook based around such (Everclear and You: Cooking with Moorio). He favors a military haircut, although it is unknown why. While under the influence of various illicit substances, he once referred to ? with a large array of "colorful metaphors" unknown both before and since then.

Enemies[edit]

The Bukkake Brigade has many enemies. While the Brigade enjoys a vast fanbase, certain groups have decided amongst themselves that the bukkake which the Brigade graces the world is unacceptable. It seems to be that certain groups absolutely hate the fun that the Brigade has and dispenses to the world; therefore, they are in a non-stop war against such organizations.

Usuq M'Diq[edit]

The Bukkake Brigade's mortal enemy is Usuq M'Diq, a strange one-eyed creature who was deprived of bukkake as a child. It is because of this that he despises the Brigade so much. M'Diq commands an army of Chodes, likewise strange creatures who really have better things to do, but stick around because he pays well.

The Chodes[edit]

The Chodes are bean-shaped creatures approximately four feet tall. They are brown or black in color, and posess most normal human facets, such as sight through a single large eye, smell through a small nose, auditory senses through two small yet acute ears, two arms and two legs for bipedal movement and physical labor, and normal human-level suceptibility to high levels of pressure and extreme temperatures. The creatures unexplainably speak whatever language the Bukkake Brigade is speaking at the time to communicate. They are physically weak, but have a human scale I.Q. of between 90 and 130. The Chodes aren't evil per se, but almost exclusively work for Usuq M'Diq, who routinely sends them forth on evil missions. Most of them try to lead lives outside their duty as footsoldiers and stewards to M'Diq. For example, a verified 32% go to college or technical school in their personal time, which is whenever M'Diq doesn't have them doing something.

The Uber Underground Sex Monster[edit]

Despite the name, the Sex Monster is not a creature the Brigadiers enjoy the company of, because he gives them a bad name. He's also perpetually hungry, and will attempt to eat anything. While the Brigadiers initially shrugged off the creature as no big deal, they changed their minds when it impaled Mazel Tov on one of its Uber Monster Cock Fingers and bit off his head. Fortunately, nobody really liked him anyways, so all was well.

Religion[edit]

As can be ascertained from the letter of admission, the Bukkake Brigade worship Gordon Freeman as the one true God. This may have something to do with his apparently having had something to do with their formation (according to the Arab) but it is not known for certain.

It is worth noting that on one occasion, when Poon-Jabbie was in mortal danger of death by Hot Springs Turtle, the Great Freeman appeared from nowhere and smote his attacker with a golden crowbar, killing it in one stroke. The Brigade has forever worshipped him since then, and their help was in turn instrumental in Freeman's defeat of the Combine.

Affiliation with Trojan[edit]

The Brigade gets most of their sex gear specially-made from Trojan, since they rescued their CEO after he fell into Mauna Loa; in turn, Trojan gives them their gear for free.


Admission[edit]

Admission to the Bukkake Brigade is a most trying process, and is documented here, in the official Bukkake Brigade welcome letter.

Letter of Admission[edit]

Welcome to the Brigade!


Dear Recruit:

Congratulations on being accepted into the Bukkake Brigade Training Program! You have been selected among shitloads of applicants to join the program. Your selection means that you are the best and brightest among your peers. The next three months will be extremely strenuous. You will be tested emotionally, physically, mentally, and sexually. There will be times when you feel as if you can’t go on. Your balls will feel drier and emptier than Anne Coulter’s vagina. You will curse the day you saw us in action and thought, “Well, fuck, that looks like fun. I think I’ll try out.” But if you survive your training, you will be born again. You will be stronger and better than everyone in the world, save your fellow Brigadiers. From basic training all the way to live combat, the eyes of the world will be upon you. Most of the people who have these eyes will be saying, “Jesus, they’re not training MORE Brigadiers, are they?” But fear not: these people will be burning in hell for heresy after they die, because Gordon Freeman, the true god, doesn’t take any shit. Have fun, fucker.

Wishing you the best of luck, The Albino Arab




Phase One: Basic Training[edit]

Every day in basic, you’ll have to follow this schedule closely.

1230HRS: Wake up, you lazy piece of shit.

1300HRS: Eat an assload of Bukkake Burgers.

1400HRS: Beat off.

1500HRS: Beat off more.

1600HRS: You’re not done yet, pussy!

1700HRS: That’s the best you can do!? MORE!

1800HRS: Another assload of Bukkake Burgers.

1930HRS: Hurry up, fill your face, fat ass.

2000HRS: Give Shinobu a massage for making all those burgers. WATCH WHERE YOU PUT THOSE HANDS, ASSHOLE.

2100HRS: Begin porn fest. Resume beating off.

0100HRS: End porn fest, begin hentai fest. Continue beating off.

0330HRS: Go the fuck to bed, but beat off before you do.

This cycle will continue for a month. If you survive this stage, the next ones should be easy.



Phase Two: Combat Training[edit]

We begin combat training by teaching you how to properly focus your ejaculate into deadly beams. We also instruct you in the art of humping. After that, we teach team maneuvers such as “Bukkake Barrier.” We also teach evasive tactics and stealth panty-raiding.

This stage will last for six weeks.



Phase Three: Final Testing[edit]

In this stage, you will not be assisted in any way by senior Brigadiers. You and any remaining Acolytes will face a series of tests to prove your worth.

Trial 1: Toxic Environments[edit]

In this test, we will lock Master Steve in an airtight room with a bath tub full of beans. You will be deployed into the room five minutes after Steve starts eating. There is a box full of H.E.V. Suits fifteen meters from your starting position. Your only objective is to survive.

Trial 2: VIP Protection[edit]

In this test, you will be put in the cardboard box which contained the H.E.V. Suits from your last test. 1500 live bears will be set free in your vicinity, and you will be covered with honey. Your objective is to protect a honey-covered cow from the bears by hiding it in the box.

Trial 3: Stealth and Evasion[edit]

In this test, you must gain entrance to the Hinata Inn and steal Shinobu’s panties. After acquiring the panties, you must exit via a hedge maze, in which a bukkake-deprived Garby will be lurking. You will be provided with a gun to shoot yourself should Garby catch you (Don’t try using on him – it doesn’t work). To complete the test, your team must have 10 pairs of strawberry-printed panties and 5 pairs of banana-printed ones. You must also acquire a used tampon, you dirty pervert.

Trial 4: Accuracy[edit]

In this test, you must fire upon a set of targets using your bukkake skills. The targets will be 4000 meters away. You must destroy 32 out of 40 targets within 2 minutes using only 200 strokes. Moorio and Xiphius will be walking around the targets. Don’t hit them, or they’ll kick your ass and detract from your score.

Trial 5: Survival[edit]

In this test, you will defend a small fort from a Chode assault. For this simulation, a flag in the middle of your fort will be covered with Usuq M’Diq’s scent. 500 captured Chodes will be released near the fort, and they will flock to the M’Diq-flavored flag upon smelling it. If any Chodes reach your flag, you will be given to Xiphius for punishment.

Trial 6: The Last Slice of Pizza[edit]

If your fort still stands, a large supreme pizza will be airdropped into the middle. Your objective is to eat the pizza before Moorio destroys Tokyo. In numerical terms, this leaves you around .0029 seconds.

Trial 7: Magic Powers[edit]

You will be placed in a motel room with Raven, Janet Reno, Debbie Owens and Bill O’Reilly. Your objective is to give them all an orgasm within two minutes without actually touching them. If any of them escape or bleed, you lose. Good luck.


Upon completion of these trials, you will be hosed down by the rest of the Brigade in the official induction ceremony. If you survive this, congratulations – you’re in.


Ranks[edit]

Ranks in the Brigade are based on number of orgasms dealt.

1-500: Acolyte

501-5000 + Completion of training: Junior Brigadier

5001-10000+: Senior Brigadier

10000 + S&M Qualification: Dungeon Master

10000 + Leadership School: Field Marshal

10000 + Forum Admin: Bukkake-sama


©2005 The Bukkake Brigade

Documentation[edit]

The insane crazy actions of the Brigadiers may be tracked via their site[1].