Hamburglar

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The Hamburgler leaving one of his robberies gone wrong, usually the mere mention of his name is enough to frighten Ronald, but occasionally force is needed to get milk outta Ronald's titties.

The Hamburglar[edit]

Hamburgular, from the original German-Teutonic word for "spare pair of undies" which was once a common derogatory word labeled on ex-prisoners who have sudden and unwarranted bowel movements. No one is sure where this mysterious striped crusader came from but most believe that he is either from the country of hamburglia, or quite possibly the illegitimate lovechild of Zorro & Carrot-Top. Hamburglia has been at war with Grimacia for many years. His life made an amazing turn around after his religious conversion and he decided to dedicate his life to one purpose: to get all of the innocent young hamburgers away from the clutches of the innocent meat, bread, and cheese loving Ronald McDonald. We are sure that he takes them to a wildlife farm and lets them roam free in the wild, as they were meant to. While we can’t be sure that this seemingly funny and innocent, oddly dressed escaped prisoner, is totally reformed, we can be happy that he has found his joy and purpose, but some are concerned of why several young burgers go missing every week and why a check from The Burger King arrives later that week for “Services Rendered”. Not to be confused with his smelly twin brother Hambooger, he's retarded.

Crime Spree[edit]

After escaping jail in a rather ingenious fashion, involving walking out the unlocked door, he formed a gang filled with many other notorious criminals including George Foreman, Tom Burgeron, Wimpy, Robin Williams during his dark days, and of course Oscar “The Pimp” Wilde. This gang was particularly feared by all the five year olds that played on the plastic structures in McDonalds.

After realising that robbing each other wouldn't get them anywhere (plus, it was ruining cohesion of the group), they targeted many dry-cleaning stores, neighborhood skating rinks and college bookstores. This would of course lead to Wilde leaving the group in search of a gang that would be after his ultimate goal of world domination. At this schism Robin left, to be replaced by Birdie and when Smith was gunned down by a plastic toy wielding toddler, The Hamburgler had no choice but to recruit the most feared criminals in all the land Fry Guy and Fry Girl.

With his lieutenant, Foreman, taking care of everyday business, Hamburgler was free to focus on the more complex things, like try to figure out how those damn mall signs always knew where you were and how they got those crazy awesome ships in the freakishly small bottle. The gang feeling betrayed by the lack of attention, deserted, leaving The Hamburgler with a choice: to start once again, or go solo.

Unsurprisingly, he did neither. He went to Nepal.

Crime History[edit]

Examples of The Hamburgler's major crimes:

  • The Hamburgler was caught sending threat e-mails to Ronald McDonald.
  • The Hamburgler went into an everlasting feud with Popeye, who objected to eating such delicacies.
  • The Hamburgler was caught having chats in #hotcybersecks with Michael Jackson.
  • The Hamburgler was arrested for trying to rob the lady who sued McDonalds because she spilled the coffee on herself.
  • The Hamburgler's attic was opened, and Grimace was found out cold, and with severe bruises.
  • The Hamburgler once attempted to thwart the discovery of Unununium by one Oscar Wilde.
  • While hiding out in the city of Boston, the Hamburgler affiliated himself with the Charles River Rats; a notorious crime syndicate operating out of the city's South side. In order to earn the trust of the Rats, Hamburgler was forced to shed the blood of a rival in public. This initiation resulted in the death of the lesser know Fry-Guy, Sully. His blood lust went unquenched until the horrific night now known as the Apple Pie Incident in which the Hamburgler with the aid of the Rats tortured dozens of rival gang members with steaming hot apple pies. The casualties reported by the Boston Police Department, included 15 separate cases of 3rd degree burns to the mouth, cheek and throat. The punks from Old Gold were never seen or heard from again.
  • The Hamburgler tried to secretly add maggots into the burgers, only to find out his work has been done by Ronald McDonald.
  • The Hamburgler kidnaped Colonel Sanders and tortured him until finding out the 11 secret herbs and spices. After his release, the Colonel knowing all his power was now gone, killed himself by putting his head into a vat of hot chip oil! One eyewitness explaind what he saw "Hot chip oil was bublin', he lurcher into it, head went in, shhhhhhh, pop, sizzle, sssssssssss!" It was afterwards reported that the chips tasted particularly strange that day.
  • The Hamburglar attended the funeral of Ayn Rand.
  • The Hamburglar was involved in a notorious rape of five Arizona State University sorority girls. When questioned about his actions the Hamburglar replied that he was tempted to "robble, gobble, robble their virginity".
  • The Hamburglar was involved in a grudge war with The Burger King. Ninja Pirate Power-Rangers from the planet Starfucks aided the hamburglar in this war until they were brutally murdered by Richard Simmons. Suffice it to say, their deaths involved quite a bit of sodomy.
  • The Hamburglar was caught, tried and convicted by a military tribunal in 2004 for being an enemy combatant. He was immediately transferred to Guantanamo Bay Cuba where Pfc. Lyndie England shoved a fat, sausage-sized finger in his butt-hole. He was found dead from self-inflicted wounds the following morning. He was buried in his native country of Robble.
  • The Hamburgler was convicted of giving Saddam Hussein asylum in Paris during the Gulf War. He was also convicted of raping Hussein at a war crimes tribunal.
  • The Hamburglar was convicted in the murder of a Jack in the Box employee in 2008 & was sentenced to a crash diet of nuts & bolts & grade A motor oil as a death sentence. He still alive as of this day.

Religion[edit]

The Hamburgler actually went to Nepal to train with blind and/or deaf monks in order to become one with his telekinetic powers, but after realizing that path would involve work he said "screw it", and decided to go onto a mountain and masturbate. Up on this particular mountain, doing what he was planning to do, were three people, Jesus, The Man and Scott, a small pathetic virgin. Jesus and The Man took him aside and taught him the fine arts of the ninja by showing him how to dispose of Simon. Trained with numerous ways to kill a man, The Hamburgler went back to the monastery full of monks that had hurt him and humiliated him and had tea.

This prompted a change in the Hamburgler and he returned to New Atlantis and started teaching the natives the way of India, he taught them the secret of life and then left after impregnating all of the native mannequins, a hunger that was the only link between him and his true father.

While on parole from a Prison somewhere in the Phillipines, The Hamburglar was pardoned by Mayor McCheese and allowed to join McDonald's promotions team where he was allowed to showcase the Michael Jackson's [Moonwalk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJykYuULouI dance choreography that he learned while incarcerated. [Original Phillipine Prison Dance] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o

See Also[edit]