Burgonia

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Burger Kingdom
The Burgonian Empire Home of Hamburgers and Whoppers
Burgonia
Hamburger flag.JPG Coat.JPG
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Have it your way."
Anthem: There is none because no one could make up one.
Map of burgonia.JPG
Capital Whopperia
Largest city Also Whopperia
Official language(s) English and Burgonian (which was abandoned due to pressure in making up words)
Government Monarchy
National Hero(es) Burger King, and Vercinburgerix, the founder of the empire.
Declaration
 of Independence
Inexperienced historians say approximately 1369 AD
Currency Burgonian coins
Religion Not really
Major exports Hamburgers, Cheeseburgers, Food, and sandwiches.
Major imports Like everything.
Hours of
 operation
24/7 every week and weekends.
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Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Burgonia.

The Burgonian Kingdom was an empire founded by Vercinburgerix and ruled by the great Burger King during the Caenozoic Era in the 14th century. It is known throughout history as the "Birthplace of Burgers." It does not have a specific place in the world geographically, but somehow people know where it is and what it looks like. Some people think it's not actually on planet Earth, but everyone else thinks that ludicrous hypothesis is "blasphemy."


Etymology[edit]

Burgonia was formally called the Burger Kingdom, but was quickly dropped due to heating confusion with the entirely different Booger Kingdom ruled by the Booger King.

"Burgonia" is made up of two important words: burg and onia. The burg part is a shortened version of the word burger, which is the whole reason the kingdom ever existed. The word onia was created purely by the king's decision because "it sounds cool." Like almost every kingdom, the place ends with -ian in it. This is why the Burgonian part is there.

History[edit]

Burgonia was formed when a group of peasants lead by Vercinburgerix try to make an attempt for the riches. They claimed the creation of the hamburger as theirs, which was really created by the early Germans, but it wasn't appreciated enough to become popular. When Vercinburgerix showed off the hamburger, everyone thought it was a magnificent invention, and thus the peasants created a kingdom dedicated to it called "Burgonia". It proved to be awesome.

The Germans were jealous at this, and worked up unsuccessful revolts against them a few weeks later. Vercinburgerix was killed by the Germans. By this time Burgonia had established most of the kingdom essentials, which included a king and most importantly, the condiment army. The Germans were thwarted at the end.

The Early Years[edit]

Creating the kingdom was not an easy task, as you had to know the whereabouts in which you were going to establish the kingdom. Luckily, God got extremely bored and created it for them. Then they were on their own, as God had to punish some sinners.

Shortly after the creation, the founder who would later be known as the Burger King bribed people to become a citizen. As days went by, more people joined, and Burgonia was starting to become a robust little area. The Burger King then felt like taking a vacation and made his wife, Queen Cheeseburger I, take over. She was pretty decent, until she died from eating too much fat crap. This forced the king to withdraw from his vacation and rule again.

A picture of the Burger King pointing at the Grue behind you that's ready to devour you.

The Less Early Years[edit]

In these years, the king created an army of condiments, which is a fancy word for things like ketchup, mustard, and other crap. The condiments were the lowliest in the army, because they were extremely weak and pathetic. Next in line were the French fries, which obviously were abducted from France. Among all of these was the highest known army rank, the Whopper. These things are full of fat and grease and taste delicious by most. These are the worst combinations of food, making them a deadly addition.

One of the most notable soldiers is Sir Shakes-a-Lot, a knight who had a disgusting addiction to milkshakes. He is a very weak knight, as his armor is composed of plastic cups. Due to his fucked up nature, he died during his training session.

This was also the time the Germans attacked. They were defeated.

The Middle Years[edit]

While rapidly gaining strength, it also attracted enemies. The most baddest of the baddies was the Duke of Doubt. He acted as the Burger King's rival. He was constantly saying that the Burger King was epic failure, and other such nonsense. The king got pissed and killed him.

The new Queen Cheeseburger II has succeeded the dead Queen Cheeseburger I at this time. The Burger King also died and gave his son the title. The Burger Prince wanted to build cities, since he had all the land. Eventually, cities were built. The largest was Whopperia, home of the whoppers, which the Burger Prince invented. Not to be confused with the army Whopper, these whoppers were not living. These whoppers still had all those fat, though. Whopperia eventually became Burgonia's capital.

The Later Years[edit]

The Burger Prince was aging and was then now called the "Burger King." As you can see, Burgonians weren't very creative.

After a few months, The Burger King started inventing a new language exclusive to Burgonia. He started inventing some words, but was having trouble with it. Time passed and he was hopelessly stuck and committed suicide. Quickly the next in line of the system came in place. He was an ugly jarhead and was universally unpopular with people. The Queen couldn't stand his ugliness and also committed suicide. Unfortunately though, there was no girl in the family yet, so the ugly Burger Prince ruled Burgonia as a monarchy. The Burgonian language was abandoned.

The ugly Burger Prince turned out to be useful, and made the bulk of Burgonia. This sort of neutralized his unpopularity with people, but still most of the people hated him. In fact, they thought being such a crappy human was a sin, and wanted to kill him. They did.

Downfall as an Anarchy[edit]

The civilians were being complete idiots to kill the Burger Prince, as there was no one to replace him anymore. This fell into a sticky situation, which turned into a major problem. The kingdom fell weak and became a reckless and discriminating place. The people wanted the kingdom to thrive again, but it was dang hard to do so. Actually, it wouldn't be hard if they ignored royalty rules, which they did. They chose someone they think was good and made him the new Burger King. However, he was not married so they kicked him out. They chose a married couple and made them rulers. They didn't want to become rulers, but the people slapped them clean in the face making them think otherwise. So everything settled under the new Burger King and Queen Cheeseburger III (they had to use those names because everyone liked it, once again showing how uncreative they are).

The anarchy period lasted approximately 2 days.

The New Empire[edit]

Whoppers in the conquest for Egypt.

In 1651, Burgonia had improved its army, with stronger units. This included the legendary Burgermeister I, a military genius who is widely known for his onion ringsling invention. Everyone got scared of fighting Burgonia now, which helped Burgonia grow.

This was the first time Burgonia went to conquer other places, and the most famous conquest was for France. It was lead by Burgermeister II (Burgermeister I wasn't dead, he was just on vacation somewhere so he replaced him) who is known to first utilize the German Fries for the conquest.

They had new kings, and the best were the legendary All-Beef Kings. These were the best kings in Burgonia, who were widely respected. If you didn't respect them, you would be instantly beheaded. However, these kings were rare, and are now extinct. The last All-Beef King to reign was Cheesimus Maximus Festus Carter. The rest of the kings were mainly pork and dirt with BBQ sauce.

They also stopped using the king title "Burger King" because they were sick of it. They used people's real names. They also stopped using royalty rules entirely. The only times they would use it is when they felt like it.

Notable Kings[edit]

In 1708, King Craig III ruled Burgonia. However, some brave morons wanted to invade Burgonia. Craig led the army to rid of them. The brave morons were actually the Germans, who wanted revenge after their defeat about 400 years ago. The Germans were a lot stronger this time, and the battle was intense and fierce. Meanwhile, Craig's younger sibling Patty the IV ruled Burgonia. By this time, the Germans were defeated after a few minutes. Patty the IV reigned for 25 minutes until Craig came back inside the castle. Patty the IV was immediately beheaded and eaten by his brother.

Dono BK the 1st ruled for two years and employed midgets to make burgers. Soon the midgets where able to over throw Dono and he was never heard from again.

Beginning of the Food Industry[edit]

In 1738, the current Burger King, Whopper III, saw how much fast food restaurants in his time were affecting other places, particularly their profit. He created his own restaurant titled The House of Burger. He has made a fortune from it. Then he got overwhelmed, in fact he became insane from it all. He told some guy to replace him before he committed suicide.

A Whopper being made.

The new Burger King owned the House of Burger, and was pleased. He stole ideas from other restaurants and put them in his own. This restaurant had food items that were named after the army units. The Whopper was their trademark item and the most commonly eaten item, and was also the main reason why people were fat that time. The Whopper, of course, went under fire from dieticians. However, the Burger King stuffed Whoppers in their mouths which blew away the criticism because they were so delicious. Then the restaurant continued to live.

They cooked food using fire. But sometimes they make their patties out of stuff if they run out of patties or if they're too lazy to cook. They have good artistic skills, and none of their customers ever suspected the patties being fake. Until they eat it. Also if they complain, they would get a proper "lesson."

One of their major items was the Angus Beef Burger, which was made from real angus beef. This was actually stolen from Hardee's, but nobody knew that and didn't care. None of the customers have ever known what it was actually made of, and nobody wanted to. Even today, no one knows what the burger is made of. Except maybe you since you're here. Shit!

Its main competitors are McDonald's and Wendy's. It is currently second in the fast food world.

Because this is such a great money maker, the Burger King didn't want to have a wife. This applied to the future kings, they don't want a wife. This made the Burgonian Kingdom turn into a monarchy. Burgonia now attracts many clueless people around the world to visit it and eat their delicious fat. This also eventually led to people opening different "House of Burger" restaurants around the world, which turns out to be a success for them.

See Also[edit]

Lisa Stamper