|Motto: Burnie, We Care (not a joke, believe it or not)|
|Civic anthem: "I am, You Are, We Are... Related"|
|Official nickname||The Bumhole|
|Official language(s)||Bogan English|
Due to the fact that once you achieve city status, you are unable to lose it even if the population falls to two people (one of whom may or may not actually be human), Burnie is a “city” on the North-West coast of Tasmania, Australia.
The pseudo-city of Burnie was established as the site for a port in 1845 when local sailors reported that despite their best efforts, they were unable to run their ships aground in its deep offshore waters. The port, and associated farming operations that were to follow were run by a company located in London whose directors had made their fortunes in the great Alchemy boom of 1810, and now believed that they could turn Aboriginals, Thylacines and Trees into gold by shooting them, and later, by chipping them. Although neither method was successful, today many still believe that trees can be made into gold by turning them into woodchips and letting them “cure” on a wharf.
What’s in a name?
The origin of the name “Burnie” is something of a mystery, no historical documents found to date have been able to shed any light on where the word Burnie comes from, however there are several popular theories.
The first is that originally the town remained unnamed until 1852 when the first known use of the word Burnie appeared in the local newspaper “The Avdocate” when the name “New Brunei” used by locals to refer to the town was misspelt, starting not only a custom of referring to the town as Burnie, but also a culture of misprints in “The Avdocate”.
However, probably the most likely of all is the theory that “Burnie” is an anglicised version of the Tasmanian aboriginal word Burunii, which loosely translated means “forsaken hole”. The word was usually represented by a carving left at entrances to such a place to warn people that there was nothing of value beyond that point. A version of this theory postulates that white settlers travelling toward Burnie may have met local Aborigines moving hastily away from the place (a reaction which is still common today) and in passing the group of indigenous Tasmanians have commented “Burunii”, which was misinterpreted to be the name of the location, rather than an indication that what lies ahead is about as aesthetically pleasing as a bucket of sphincters.
Burnie is located on the north-west coast of Tasmania, 50km west of Devonport, and even further from civilized society. To the South of Burnie lies St. Valentines Peak, a mountain named by solo explorer Henry Hellyer after climbing it, so named because he went to incredible expense and effort, yet still spent the night alone. The land surrounding the mountain was selected as sheep farming land, for which the port of Burnie was established. However, even sheep have standards, and as any farmer will tell you once one sheep moves the flock will follow. It’s believed descendants of said sheep are still living in Launceston, sporting wooly mullets, wearing moccasins, and generally fitting in rather well.
Due to its close proximity to Tasmania’s west coast, and it possessing much needed dental services for residents of said region, Burnie is known as the gateway to Tasmania’s West Coast. This makes it much like the gateway to your garden, because when you go down there, you realise that it’s mostly full of compost and vegetables.
Other notable geographic landmarks that define Burnie are without a doubt the twin peaks of Mts. Boyd and Arnold (pictured), which tower over the city and draw tourists and geologists to Burnie to study it’s summit of pure old-growth-dolerite, and igneouseucalyptus. Nowhere in the world are two such natural features so close to an urban area, and to visiting cruise ships. Visitors to, and residents of Burnie are very fortunate indeed.
Burnie receives slightly above-average rainfall compared to other cities in Tasmania, and although the city has been obscured by fog and sea-mist on occasion, it’s widely believed to be nowhere near enough. On Sunday 5th July 1945 a sea-mist obscured Burnie for almost a week, during which the town was officially declared lost and Tasmanian maps (both varieties) altered to reflect this. However during the celebrations that were to follow on Saturday 11th July, the mist lifted to reveal Burnie still standing and, as if to add insult to injury, completely unchanged. Rather than correct the hasty alterations made to maps and other references during this week, some attempts were made to cut burnie itself from mainland Tasmania and tow it to Melbourne, where it was assumed nobody would notice a new ugly suburb full of social rejects. However this ambitious project failed due to poor planning, and generally overlooking the fact that none of the required skilled professionals and academics would lower themselves to spending time in Burnie on the project, even if it meant being rid of it forever.
Burnie is supported by two major sources of income to the city. The first, is it’s export of live hand-reared bogans to the rest of the world (well, mostly Frankston). This program started in 1945, when bogans were first reared in captivity by mating a young male and a female pair in the back of a ute, on top of a carton of VB. Previously zoologists had been unable to successfully breed bogans, due to the lack of televised footy matches (an essential part of the mating ritual).
In addition to the bogan trade, Burnie sells moronic, bigoted, right-wing opinion to Alan Jones and John Laws (among others). Little is known about the details of such trade arrangements, however it is believed that the opinion produced in Burnie is prized for it’s purity in sexism, racism and homophobia. So much so in fact, that it is understood that Laws and Jones have described the opinion sourced from Burnie using the term “24-carat-intolerance”.
Burnie is a multicultural city comprising both types of people, those who drive utes, those who drive Toranas, and those who ride their siblings (and those who can’t count). Many religions also exist in Burnie, although most residents are devoutly Mormon, probably due to the convenience of having several wifesisters. Another school of thought exists… but not in Burnie.
The largest non-Mormon religious population in Burnie is those who have chosen the newly founded religion of Holdenism, which sees worshippers emerge from their homes every Sunday morning dressed in their best HRT jacket to pray in the direction of Symmonds Plains, and spend the afternoon doing doughnuts in a cul-de-sac, in their Holden Hyundai Excel™ .
Arts and Entertainment
The primary form of entertainment in Burnie is to play a sport called “kick the homo”. This rather unsurprisingly, involves residents pushing over those who they assume to be homosexuals and kicking them repeatedly, then slightly more surprisingly, proceeding to have a confused sexual encounter with said person followed by a little cry and trying not to tell their mates about it for fear they’ll in turn be pushed over, kicked and violated.
With the ability to spit, swear and pass gas largely a skill taught in the home, education isn’t deemed needed by many a Burnie resident. However, those who do attend school are usually from the more affluent parts of the city such as Shorewell, where a man can make an easy living by cultivating rust on an old car body in the front yard of their home. Many such lucky families may choose to send their children to a wealthy school such as Farklands High, where they can learn life skills in classes such as “compo claims 101” “how to get diagnosed ADD so Mummy can have your drugs”, “a bent coathanger, the only tool you’ll ever need” and “spot the poof”.
Burnie has no sister cities, nor does any other Tasmanian city, for fear of inbreeding leading to a daughter city whose name is tahleeah-rae-secreesha, and whose population can only speak it’s own language by making sounds similar to “derrrrrr”.