CBS
“You can't spell "CBS" without "BS".”
“I Hate this eye.”
“It's that creepy eye!”
“Who put a circle in my sideways vagina?”
“It's not an eye. It's Dan Rather's mouth with a ball gag in it.”
“Or Howard Cossell.”
“Renault 12's?”
| CBS | |
 Eye See You. | |
| Country : Also available in : Owner : |
East Monkey Land USA, Mexico, Texas and Your Ass Doutor Roberto and Roberto Marinho and Viacom|- |
CBS, (stands for Cool Bum Sex or Corporate Bull Shit) phonetic for See BS, is a Television station not based in Brazil, but rather, Studio City. CBS has 12345 affiliates, one of them KPSP channel 2 in Palm Springs promises to be a "major city" station for a small market. LOL.
It provides low quality programming to senior citizens with low morales, and is considered to be Nickelodeon for Seniors. Few, if any, decent programmes have come from this network for any demographic under 80 years old, and as such is one of the few organizations which lives up to it's name. On september 432,2006, Cbs' visual teleprotractors failed, and revealed that the network was based in East Monkey Land. CBS is owned by evil meagacorporation Viacom
The Evil Eye[edit]
CBS has been under constant media attack since it used the Evil Eye as it's company logo in order to please the Illuminati, however even that didn't get it many viewers. The logo is believed to have come about when the current network owners, Roberto Marinho And Doutor Roberto, was bored in the shower one day. He decided to create a reverse-paradox quantoxic time machine (whatever the hell that means), and travel back in time, and into the world of fiction, to 1984 (the book and time), where he met Big Brother, who told him that eye's are "generally creepy" and also stated that "Dig 'Em' is the greatest American hero ever; Period."
In 1999, CBS were found to have been using the evil eye to conceal hidden cameras used to spy on it's viewing population in the bathroom. However court action was dropped when they realized that the only people being spied on had been dead for 3 years, and that there was no other reason someone would be watching CBS.
If you look at the eye for too long, you will be under the control of CBS, due to it being powered by Hypnotoad.
In the late 1980's the CBS "eye on America" known today did not exsist. it had once been "CBS: Earing you loud and clear" however, Mike Tyson in 1999 decided to bite off more than he could chew, and a few ears, as a result "eye on America" was born. Tyson...yay.
The CBS eye also has a brazilian equivalent. A Brazilian TV Network called Bandeirantes uses an oval, green-yellow version of this eye.
Programmes[edit]
The station currently broadcasts Sports, News, and Crap, and is a constant live stream from each employee. Several famous programmes broadcast on CBS include, Crap Case, Craptime Sunday, and Crap Scene Investigation. They make sure that Bruckheimer guy produces all of their shows. All of which have received several awards for being the epitome of crap in their field. They also have Letterman, who is much funnier than Leno, let's face it.
Attempts were made at one point to broadcast to a larger audience, and CBS launched a Satellite to broadcast to other countries, such as those in Europe, their first mistake was attempting to broadcast the local news, their second was thinking that Frisbees and satellites worked in the same way.
Coming this fall, CBS is creating a reincarnation of Hawaii 5-0. CBS is trying to convince me that it's 1986 again. You don't see NBC bringing back Miami Vice, so why is CBS bringing back Hawaii 5-0?
Please note that, by far, their most successful vehicle is Renault 12, which averages an audience of almost three people per car (which consist of your mom, some random guy from Parma, Ohio, and some guy I go to college with)
Current Line Up[edit]
| 7:00 PM | 7:30 PM | 8:00 PM | 8:30 PM | 9:00 PM | 9:30 PM | 10:00 PM | 10:30 PM | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sunday † | 60 Years (the average age of all the journalists on the show) | Million Dollar Safeword | Rush Hour | Rastafarians: The Hidden Menace | ||||
| Monday | Local Programming | The Big Gang Bang Theory | How I Fucked Your Mother | Two and 3 Quarters Men (also known as "Charlie Sheen Isn't Winning") | Rules of Enragement (since David Spade is still an unfunny douchebag with a job) | Super Mario World's Funniest Home Videos | ||
| Tuesday | NCIS ('Nother Crime Investigation Show) | In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches YOU! | Daterape: To Catch a Predator | |||||
| Wednesday | Lack of Talent with the Stars | CSI: Morgantown, West Virginia | CSI: Chicago: The Breaking Wind City | |||||
| Thursday | Greatest American Log | CSI: Crap Scene Investigation | Show with Some Detective That Thinks He Can Read Minds, Get Revenge on Some Guy Who Killed His Wife and Kid, and Wear Three-Piece Suits All the Time | |||||
| Friday | Jennifer Love Hewitt's Boobs See A Ghost | Numb Three Ers | The Flash | |||||
| Saturday | Crimethink Saturday | Crimetime Saturday | 48 Minutes left to live | |||||
Fall Schedule[edit]
| 7:00 PM | 7:30 PM | 8:00 PM | 8:30 PM | 9:00 PM | 9:30 PM | 10:00 PM | 10:30 PM | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sunday † | 60 Years (the average age of all the journalists on the show) | The Mediocre Race | The Bitch Wife | CSI: Alaska | ||||
| Monday | Local Programming | How I Fucked Your Mother | 2 Groped Girls | Two and 3 Quarters Men (also known as "Charlie Sheen Isn't Winning, But Kelso From That 70's Show Is") | Typical American Couple | Hawaii Five-Zero | ||
| Tuesday | NCIS ('Nother Crime Investigation Show) | NCIS in LA(because, we couldn't stop ourselves from making another crime drama with an initialism for a name. ) | Ramembah Me? | |||||
| Wednesday | Murderer | Criminal Maids | CSI: Chicago: The Breaking Wind City | |||||
| Thursday |
The Big Gang Bang Theory |
How to Be a Transexual |
Person of Disinterest | Show with Some Detective That Thinks He Can Read Minds, Get Revenge on Some Guy Who Killed His Wife and Kid, and Wear Three-Piece Suits All the Time | ||||
| Friday | A Gifted Man | BDH: Beating a Dead Horse | Black and Blue Bloods (with Magnum PI, the single greatest moustache of all time) | |||||
| Saturday | Rules of Enragement (since David Spade is still an unfunny douchebag with a job) | Reruns of doomed sitcoms | Crimethink Saturday | 48 Minutes left to live | ||||
Mid-Season Line Up[edit]
| 7:00 PM | 7:30 PM | 8:00 PM | 8:30 PM | 9:00 PM | 9:30 PM | 10:00 PM | 10:30 PM | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Sunday † | 60 Years (the average age of all the journalists on the show) | The Mediocre Race | Rush Hour | CSI: Dallas | ||||
| Monday | Local Programming | How I Fucked Your Mother | Your Mom: The Sitcom! | Two and 3 Quarters Men | The Old Adventures of Old Christine | Super Mario World's Funniest Home Videos | ||
| Tuesday | NCIS ('Nother Crime Investigation Show) | NCIS: Houston | Daterape: To Catch a Predator | |||||
| Wednesday | Lack of Talent with the Stars | CSI: Miami | CSI: Flint, Michigan | |||||
| Thursday | Survivor (of CBS's Thursday night lineup) | CSI: Crap Scene Investigation | CSI: Your Ass | |||||
| Friday | Ghostbusters | Keep off the Medium. Order a Large. | (|-|4.-4(73.-z | |||||
| Saturday | Crimethink Saturday | Crimetime Saturday | Walker, Texas Ranger: Forever (also called "Chuck Norris Owns the Muthafuckin' Universe") | |||||
Financial Troubles[edit]
It currently attracts just under 6 viewers a year, and makes approximately $4 (Canadian) a year in revenue, however recently viewing figures have increased almost 50% with the launch of their new flagship program, I Love Lucifer[1]. Recently, however, the company has fallen into debt after it's owners, Roberto Marinho And Doutor Roberto, spent $10 of company money, all 2 of his employees were outraged and since threatened legal action. They had to borrow an extra $20 to pay for all the "brilliant" shows that are on daily off some Loan Sharks, who in turn broke their kneecaps and scrotum's. They are currently residing in a back alley hospital, having sold one of their kidney's to keep CBS running.
Death[edit]
After Viacom's death, Sumner Redstone joined the CBS team and destroyed it from the inside created a new and resurrected Viacom.