CD-i

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“Oh boy! I can't wait to bomb some dodongos!”

~ Link on having ADD

“I'll grab my stuff!”

~ CD-i Link on masturbation

“I hope she made-a lots of spaghetti!”

~ Luigi on massive food shortages in Africa

“All toastuhz toast toast!”

~ Mario on toast

“HOW ARE WE GONNA FIND DA PRINCESS WIT DA POWUH GOIN' OUT?”

~ Luigi on Stage 2 of Hotel Mario

“MAYBEE DERE'S A SWITCH IN ONE A DA ROOMZ. RUHMIND ME TO CHECK!”

~ Mario on the above comment

“WHERE'S DA PRINCESS?”

~ Mario on Stage 5 of Hotel Mario

“OBUH DERE!”

~ Luigi on the above comment

The CD-i was a gaming console that debuted in the early 90's. The console died within 5 seconds of its release, but has since enjoyed a healthy after life as a torture device for Guantanamo detainees.

Contents 1 History and Development 1.1 Critical Reception 2 Gameplay 3 Library of Games 4 Accessories 5 See Also

[edit] History and Development

In early 1992, Philips decided that children were evil and had to be stopped at all costs. They brought together a development team to build a console that would cause every kid who played it to turn emo, and try to kill themselves. Phillips hired the teams behind Windows Vista, the Edsel, the Atari Jaguar, Nazism, and a two-headed retard found living in the basement of Phillips corporate headquarters. The CD-i debuted on February 3, 1993, a day marked with massive thunderstorms, doomsday floods, the Cubs winning the World Series, an outbreak of black plague, and Keanu Reeves winning an Oscar. The system got off to a roaring start in stores selling 0 units in the first ten years.

[edit] Critical Reception

Oddly enough, there aren't any reviews concerning the CD-i, or its games. This is due to the fact that no one has ever played the CD-i and lived.

[edit] Gameplay

The CD-i combines the exciting thrills of programing the clock on a microwave with the adrenal rush of listening to an old person ramble about the good old days. However, it is unlikely that the player would ever get to experience this no holds barred orgasm of fun, because the fucking thing failed 99.9999999999999999% of the time. Most of the time, even looking at it causes the device to spray toxic battery acid into your face. The enclosed wireless controller comes with the following disclaimer:

Warning: We had no fucking idea what we were doing when we created this abomination to heaven and earth, and therefore it is advised that all people who are offended by Racial Slurs, liquids that burn ones face and anti-religous movies should avoid this device due to possibility of long term injury. May cause vomiting, penis shrinking, seizures, liver failure, tumors, pregnancy, rejecting Jesus, joining the Klan, huffing kittens, joining the Republican party, and in most cases, death.

[edit] Library of Games

• Learn to Read with History's Greatest Serial Killers Volume 1: Extreme Hemingway Snowboarding
• The Legend of Zelda: A Dickslap to a Classic
• Extreme Robert Frost Slam Poetry 3: Back to Da Hood
• Outing Gay People With Bert and Ernie
• John Madden's Pro Gang Rape
• Bastard Child of Hotel Maid Mario
• A Michael Bay Christmas
• Ann Coulter vs. The Space Testicles
• Ann Coulter vs. the 9/11 Widows Association
• Attack of the Elderly Drivers
• Tourettes Guy: The Game
• Extreme Presidential Assassination with John Wilkes Booth
• Mortal Kombat Babies
• Learn to Count with O.J. Simpson
• Captain Viagra and the Limp Dicks of Doom
• John McCain's Jurassic Journey
• Oingo Boingo Extreme Synthesizer
• Learn Geography: Former Yugoslav Republics Edition
• Lord of the Sewage Inspectors
• Dance Dance Revolution: Polka Edition
• Dance Dance Counterrevolution
• Dance Dance Bloodless Coup

• Ted Kennedy's Pro Skater
• Cooking with Idi Amin
• Extreme Uncyclopedia Editor
• H.R. Department Blowout
• Chuck Heston Shootout
• The Adventures of History's Greatest Copyright Lawyers
• Toilet Training with Henreich Himmler
• Aladdin: Escape From Guantanamo Bay
• Porn
• Porn 2: Revenge of the Clap
• Porn 3: Special Hillary Clinton Edition
• Amish Porn
• Helen Keller's Driving School
• Garfield is Beaten to Death: An Interactive Movie
• Epilepsy Victim Deluxe
• Extreme List Writer with Josef Stalin
• Luigi gets AIDS
• Unwanted Body Hair Removal with Rosie O'Donell: Deluxe Edition
• Fun With Machetes
• Fun With Machetes 2: Back to the Congo
• Pokemon: Ash Gets a Blowjob
• Grand Turismo: Segways
• Extreme Calculous Paper Grading with Darth Vader
• De-bug Windows Vista
• Barry Bonds Pro Steroid Dealer
• You Get Kicked in the Balls
• You Get Kicked in the Balls 2: You Get Punched in the Balls
• The Voting Booth Experience with George W. Bush
• Fun With Genocide
• Sonic 5: Sonic has His Legs Broken by the Mob and Can't Run
• Crazy Taxi: Vietnam
• Operation: Pam Anderson's Tits Edition
• William Shatner's Acting Academy
• George C. Scott: The Game
• Blow Up the Retirement Home
• Sim City: Detroit
• Sim City: Cleveland
• Drunken Klansmen Talk About Diversity: An Interactive Movie
• Homework
• Unplug Grandpa's Feed Tube
• Punchout: Gandhi vs. Jesus
• Wheres Waldo? For the Blind
• Ninja Gaiden 3: Ryu Files for a Tax Return
• Nancy Reagan's Pro Cocaine Dealer
• Stroke Victim Fighter
• The Adventures of the T.V. Test Pattern
• Spot the Diarrhea!
• Grand Theft Zeppelin
• Grand Theft Wheelchair
• Grand Theft Unicycle
• Kick the Emo
• Rape the Great White Shark
• Pass the Kidney Stone
• Write the Article
• Read the Article
• Rate the Article
• Huff the Article
• Enron Stock Trader
• Frank Lloyd Wright's Stalinist Architect
• Learn Racism!
• Mustache Salon
• Hitler's Mustache Salon
• Ted Bundy's Basement: A Point and Click Adventure
• Marie Antoinette Action Shooter: Let Them Eat Lead
• Suicide Bomberman
• Fartacus
• Happy Fun Power Awesome Asian Stereotypes Number One!!! ^_^
• Cooking with Jeffrey Dahmer

[edit] Accessories

The CD-i was originally packaged with two controllers and a hand gun, however newer accessories were soon released to make the gaming experience even more unpleasant. The best selling CD-i accessory was similar to Nintendo's Powerglove, the Powercondom (tm). The player slipped the Powercondom (tm) over his dick and would jerk off to control the onscreen characters. However, if the character died, the CD-i would punish the player by castrating them. Another popular accessory was the Powerthug (tm) , which was designed to make the fighting games more realistic. The Powerthug was a large, ill tempered man who came in a box and would watch you play CD-i. Every time your character got hurt, the Powerthug (tm) would savagely beat you. Like the CD-i itself, the accessories killed more people than both World Wars combined.

[edit] See Also

• Atari Jaguar
• emo
• suicide
• Sega CD
• Hitler
• Nintendo