The CEV (Cramped Excursionary Vehicle) is NASA's proposed state-of-the-art spacecraft specifically designed to carry forth President Bush's magnaminous Vision of Spacial Exploitation, and is slated to replace the ungainly and dangerous STS Space Shuttle System, as soon as NASA runs fresh out of space shuttles.
Introducing the 2014 NASA CEV
In 2005, after much prodding and poking, NASA finally decided to go full-speed ahead with the research and development of an upgraded modular system that looks absolutely nothing like the Apollo CSM. Incorporating the latest in advanced TechnoGerman™ engineering, the new NASA CEV will have copious leg room, a convenient rear hatchback for the stowage of volatile consumables, power airlocks, inflatable twin parachutes, and adjustable bucket seats covered with luxurious polyesterene fire-retardant fabric for the comfort and elegance of tomorrow's postmodern space travellers. It is expected to comfortably encapsulate six (6) entirely heterosexual male astronauts for delightfully intimate interplanetary journeys of up to three years (or more) in duration.
Internal and external power supplies
For internal heating and lighting and cooking purposes, the CEV will burn environmentally-safe liquid oxygen and liquid 5-tert-butyl-4-isopropyl-2,3-dimethylnonane, both of which NASA fervently hopes are readily available all over the Solar system (preferably lying about in immense puddles). Since the CEV will have little or no motive power of its own accord, it will be hurtled into the outer reaches of outer space by the powerful MARS 5 (Massive Apollo-like Rocket Ship (NASA's
Saturn-5-derivitated Shuttle-derivitated External Combustion Engine (ECE))).
NASA's brand-new line of specialized CEV models
Given the wide variety of incredibly dangerous places to which America's incredibly brave astronauts will be sent eventually, NASA has commissioned the construction of a wide variety of almost identical CEVs. In addition to standard equipment such as airbags and GPS transceivers and AC, each individual CEV will be outfitted for its primary mission with NASA's choice of many exciting extras.
- 2014 Altair: As NASA's groundbreaking spacecraft for suborbital and orbital missions, the no-frills Altair CEV will explore the farthest reaches of Earth's lower cloud deck. Watch for unreserved window-seat tickets to soon appear on eBay for hectic bidding wars.
- 2020 Artemis: NASA's entirely new spacecraft for lunar exploration. With its spindly legs, the Artemis CEV will look absolutely nothing like Apollo's LEM.
- 2035 Ares: Proposed model for the exploration of Mars. The bulkheads of the Ares CEV will be structurally reinforced to withstand the attacks of the vicious Martian mosquito, whose bite renders one vulnerable to the appreciation of typical B movies.
- 2050 Adonis: The Adonis CEV will be sent to explore the planet Venus; its primary mission will be to search for fabled deposits of Viagra which may lie beneath its sensitive crust.
- 2099 Apollo: This spacecraft will perform up-close solar exploration of our Sun. The Apollo CEV will be coated with a thin superconducting layer of carbon-carbon nanotubes for increased heat resistance, and will also sport a tinted windshield because it looks so cool. Due to overriding safety concerns, the Apollo CEV will attempt solar landings only at night.
- 2137 Atlas: NASA's model for exploring Globe, the 4.5th planet of the Solar system. The Atlas CEV's first mission will be to conduct an intensive photographic survey of the bizarre multicolored surface of this strange planet, which later may be published in book form.
- 2222 Antares: Proposed model for NASA's first of many manned interstellar missions. The Antares CEV will come equipped with warp drive and futuristic Jefferies tubes, and will travel for many hundreds of light years to where my heart is, where my heart is, somewhere beyond the stars, perhaps even beyond Antares itself.
- 2525 Asclepius: The Asclepius CEV will be NASA's most advanced spacecraft ever, which will go on fantastic voyages into the nooks and crannies of the human body. For each mission, the ship will need to be irradiated with powerful shrinking rays (preferably before injection).