Cactus Man

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Autograph of Cactus Man. Behold
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cactus Man.

Cactus Man is a small, outrageous company in the UK, producing products for the good of the British people. Some of these products include a thermometer, a keyring light and a clock. Cactus Man is also referred to as "The Legend Of Cactus Man" and was created by two comedic geniai at Ousedale in Newport Pagnell. Cactus Man began as a logo and was transformed to also be a company name and logo (Cactus Man Incorporated [CMI]). Upcoming products include a Toothpaste/Toothbrush Holder and an enormous poster.


Cactus Man is a contradomfiddlediddledment of from the word Cactus (meaning a spiky shrub often found in desert and semi-deserts) and the word Man (meaning the human that is not a woman). Duh!

Facts About Cactus Man[edit]

  • Homeworld - Wooden Table in S5
  • Species - Cactus
  • Gender - Male
  • Motto - Cactius Mannius Winium Alwai
  • Dimensions - Metaphorically, Beyond Human Understanding. No-one, including you, knows his true height/weight/centre of gravity/depth/density/tensile strength/depth of pocket: It can range from drawing to drawing.
  • Immensosity - Immense factor 1 trillion
  • Defining Features - Sunbrerro, Banjo, Sunglasses, Cool and Calculating Mouth, No nose


Here Is Cactus Drawn Hastily On A Saturday Morning

Cactus Man began when two pupils of the school were bored in Science lessons; and so came up with idea of drawing on the wooden surfaces of these tables. Thus, Cactus Man was born. Some sad and stupid people called "School Cleaners" try to rub/sand paper Cactus Man off of the desk, but Cactus Man will live on, as he is currently being drawn on 5 other tables. Soon, every table will be covered. Appearing around and near Cactus man drawings are inscriptions of peoples' comments of Cactus man, some of which are unpleasant. This is known from many lessons in which the creators of Cactus man attend - technology for instance.

Legend has it that on an island known as Wanahackalugi, there is a great statue depicting a god like figure, showing none other than Cactus Man. This was written about in ancient scrolls delivered to us by small pigeons. The messages were vague and took seconds of transmalation, but here is what was definitely NOT made up:

“All hail Cactus Man, mighty Banjo playing Cactus Man. He has saved our island from starvation and destruction numerous times, and we owe him our lives”

~ A Wanahackalugian on On Cactus Man

Evidence on the subject is not 121% clear, but many scientist are researching this island, and looking into more exploration attempts at finding the island, and the god like creature - Cactus Man


Despite his cactus-like appearance, Cactus Man has several defining features that make him stand up against other cacti. For example, one would not find sunglasses and a banjo on a normal cactus located in some desert somewhere, no matter how hard you looked. Trust me I have tried. The sunglasses enable him to stay cool and look cool in the melting sun of the desert. It also provides possible protection from any science experiment related spillages.


Cactus Man is a cactus with an attitude. His only known trait is that he is super cool, I mean not just cool, not just super cool but sub zeroly absolute zeroly cool. That's pretty cool. No-one quite knows how he does this since he lives in the melting hot sun of the desert. He is known to solve arguments instantaneously, inevitably and inexorably; annihilating any opposition in his way and then melting their face when they are screaming on the floor, crying in excruciating pain.


Hitler, who stole Cactus Man's banjo to brainwash all who listen, is later killed by Cactus Man by Quasiquantumfacemeltism


Cactus Man is currently in a table top argument with an unknown being, this article will not give names, but it is hinted that he is a shitbag. This being stated that Cactus Man is a spaz, although he clearly is not. The argument then moved on to the topic of the arguee having no penis; even though he is clearly of the male race. This makes him even more of a shitbag and if that shitbag is reading this, then everyone on the internet knows that you have no penis. Cactus Man is known to be good at arguing and so will obviously annihilate this being; he has no need to do so because Cactus Man has many followers and these will obliterate any opposition at the twitch of a banjo. Cactai are apparently afraid of water, but Cactus Man does not fear anything. Cactus Man only needs a surface to be able to live.

Former Band[edit]

Cactus Man was in a band, before he left; it to become the world's most ultimate cactus and to develop his new talent of Quasiquantumfacemeltism. The band he was in is called "The Band Formerly Known As Cactus Man's Band". It contained 3 other members and will be possibly added to this website if the author/plural can be bothered.

Sex Scandals[edit]

Cactus Man has been invloved in many sex scandals with various female humans. Some of these include Marilyn Monroe and J. K. Rowling. When Cactus Man was accused of this, he claimed: 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' He then proceeded to melt everyones face and they suddenly believed him.


Cactus Man's debut in an ICT suite was short-lived by a bitch of a teacher, this teacher forced the artist to rub off his hard work for the rest of the lesson. The person that did this had absolutely nothing to do with Cactus Man and is not affiliated or in any way, shape or form connected to Cactus Man. However, we are glad that this person (or thing) is carrying the torch that is Cactus Man and contributing towards the ultimate goal: Cover every desk in Cactus Man.


The Two Authors of Cactus Man were discovered last year by a cool physics teacher. Unfortunately, this cool physics teacher knows a son-of-a-bitch-other-science-teacher, of whom he told the story to. This other teacher made the two authors sand Cactus Man off the very desk from which he came. The Two did this very begrudgingly and tears were almost shed when the very last remnants of Cactus Man had gone. But the Two live and work on, even to this very day.


Cactus Man has recently endoresed and sponsored a football team. This team consists of the world's greatest players and also has the Two in the starting line up. Shirts are in production and soon, this team will overtake Real Madrid as the richest team in the world. This team were entered into a 5-a-side Tournament. This team already holds the title of "Coolest Team In The World" title, awarded 3 seconds ago.

Football Success[edit]

Team Cactus Man recently won the above 5-a-side tournament. But they not only won it, they won it with an immensity factor of 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000. Here is the shizzle...

It was the last game of the tournament. Team Cactus Man, being the greatest team ever, were 6 points ahead of their nearest rivals. But before the kick off, referee Mark Clattenberg said that this 11-a-side game was worth 6 points. Team Cactus Man pushed to the very limits of their abilities, but were outdone by the other team as Team Cactus Man were impeded by having a tradgic accident involving a compas and a sun dial.

So Team Cactus Man's nearest rivals were level. Only a penalty shootout could solve it. To cut a long story short, the keeper of Team Cactus Man pulled off the world's greatest save ever to win the game and the tournament. All of Team Cactus received the world's most expensive medals as a result. Appearing on Ebay next month.


Cactus Man has one banjo and has only ever had one banjo and has kept the same banjo since he got it. It is a Banjoer 3860 Yokelcaster and it must be noted that Cactus Man plays this Banjo with his right hand as several idiots have tried to imitate the drawing of Cactus Man; but drawing him playing left-handed. This is of course insanely stupid, possibly done by "School Cleaners".

This Image Is One Similar To Cactus Man, Although This has Been Computerised. Note The Texture Of The Cactus Is Actually... Spikey


As you should know, Cactus man has a banjo. Apparently, he can play this banjo very well indeed. Here's an eye witness account:

“So there I was in the, like, classroom and I saw this, like, weird cactus shaped thing on the , like, desk. I went to, like, investigate and then the cactus thing started making this weird noise and I suddenly became sexually attracted to the cactus thing. Then my ears and face started melting and I ran for it. ”

~ Some random dude on A classroom in which Cactus Man was Drawn

As you can see, Cactus Man's music melts ears and faces, but is very rarely played by Cactus Man since only one person has ever heard it. It has been widely agreed by top scientists (i.e. me) that this requires a new genre of music. Behold: Quasi-Quantom-FaceMeltism. the genre that melts your face.


Quasi-Quantom-FaceMeltism, being a new genre of music purely created because of Cactus Mans' immensosity, is a piece of music played that has the disastrous effect of melting ones face. This effect has been tried and tested on many Americans, and the results where astounding, including many face and ear meltings. The specimens of these experiments are yet to be recovered from the US Military.

The ability to pull off Quasi-Quantom-FaceMeltism is held only by Cactus Man, and Jimi Hendrix...and several frogs/beings, and therefore he/they should be obeyed and treated like a god.


Why Cactus Man Hates Wikipedia[edit]

Cactus Man recently tried to add his article to Wikipedia, but his article was "unfairly declined". Cactus Man thought this a very unreasonable act and now Wikipedia is now on Cactus Man's Revenge List. Wikipedia you have been warned. However, Wikipedia will rule over google, so there are no discussions over which search engine/information centre is better