Calamari

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“Heaven on the pallet, hell on the anus”

~ Oscar Wilde on calamari

“Fuck me Michael Douglas is ugly”

~ Oscar Wilde on calamari


Calamari is a dish created from the inhabitants of Mons Calamari, a planet on the Galactic Rim. Naturally due to the distance from Earth and the cunning of these creatures calamari is quite the delicacy. Calamari can be prepared in many, many ways; raw, deep fried, grilled, with more calamari or under a small rock which is the most popular way for it to be eaten.

Admiral Ackbar demonstrating perfectly the difficulty of catching calamari
A Hideous Penis Face Calamari having a bloody good think about what he will masturbate about today


Types and anatomy[edit]

There are two principle types of calamari, Spastic Eyes Calamari and Hideous Penis Face Calamari. The latter tend to be considered a greater delicacy as the sexual ornamentation present on their faces is much better than the tough, stringy Spastic Eyes which also largely taste of broccoli. Both are bipedal which doesn't really make that much sense seeing as they are water dwelling animals but George Lucas works in largely cruel ways which is why they are both so phenomenally ugly and ridiculous creatures. The Spastic Eyes Calamari round eyes make them very difficult to surprise due to the peripheral vision which this aids although once the threat is detected focussing problems mean they often hit objects in the pursuit. This means they are extremely difficult to catch by ambush and instead should be chased with a piece of shit on a stick until they run into something. Hideous Face Penises are a different animal altogether which is why the shouldn't really be in this article at all or even the same genus. Able to suck a man into a dry husk in a second they should be approached from behind and mounted aggressively. For advice on this see Bear Grylls Born Survivor where he bites the head off a ] Penis Face Calamari and uses its sweat glands to light a fire underwater. Both are able to produce a thick ink that writes excellent poetry by itself and so all poets that arrive on Mons Calamari are killed instantly. All calamari are controlled by Zeus and their king is the kraken, the tastiest of all calamari. Michael Douglas is prince of the calamari and the spawn of the Kraken and Admiral Ackbar which makes him hideous beyond any other of his species but one of the strongest of all the species and has not yet been captured.

Michael Douglas, Prince of the Calamari, particularly hideous and ugly member of the Penis variety

Ways to Cook Calamari[edit]

The highest form of delicacy in calamari cuisine is to capture it live and the swiftly put it in boiling water before placing it under a small rock. Due to the extensive boiling process the rock is necessary as once eaten this grinds up the incredibly tough meat within the stomach. The primary problem with cooking calamari whole is that it contains a deadly poison sack so if not prepared correctly it will kill instantly. There have also be strong links with mass calamari farming and cancer although much to later relief it was found it would only cause gonnorohea.


The ethical problems[edit]

In this modern age many have questioned killing and eating a sentient being such as calamari, however, Sith Empire Food Distribution company, the primary supplier, assures us that all its calamari have an excellent free range life in their natural habit of a 2 by 4 rusty metal cage. Many also find these claims laughable as all vegans are completely mental and everyone knows that shellfish come above jews in the pecking order but below asians and are therefore perfectly acceptable to eat.

Famous Calamari[edit]

Admiral 'it's a trap' Ackbar

The Kraken

Davy Jones

Steven Jones of Clarence Road, South London

The Creature from the Black Lagoon

Michael Douglas

Yaaargh I go well with an excellent relish me hearties