California

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Bundesrepublik Kalifornien
Der Großeimperialistischenreich von Kalifornien
California
CaliEmpire.PNG Wtfhax.PNG
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Pot Akbar"
Anthem: "Horst Wessel Lied"
Osterreich.PNG
Capital San Francisco
Largest city San Fran Crisco
Official language(s) German
Government Bundesrepublik
‑ Führer Arnold Schwartzanigeria
National Hero(es) Heinz Fischer
Established November 15, 1903
Currency Deutsche Mark
Religion Socialism
Area 1890km³


People's Republic of California (pronounced Kuhl-ee-Forn-y-ah! by septuagenarian Austrian governators and "Cal-ee-forn-I-yay" by natives; full name: Bundesrepublik Kaliforniens) is a large island located off the Western United States of America. Its official state song is California Love by Tupac Shakur (ratified in 1999, replacing the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Californication). California has only one puppet state since 1991 independence Fresh Principality of Bel-Air.

It is important to note the difference between Northern and Southern California. North California is inhabited mostly by hippies, nerds, lumberjacks, bureaucrats and Arnold Schwarzenegger. SoCal, on the other hand, is occupied mostly by surfers, actors, pornstars, skanks, lawyers, illegal immigrants and a layer of smog so dense that it is classified by the USGS as a separate landmass.

California is a Communist dictatorship run by the Governator. The dictatorship is savagely ruled by an Austrian muscle doughboy, who has harsh blood tax and has decided to make Saturday an extra mud harvest day--most of the movies from Hollywood they find in amongst the crap (pardon my French) from the 1970s. John Connor is dead and the state is currently populated by an evil legion of liberal gay liquid metal robots with glowing red eyes who eat the flesh of Christian babies.

Stirring into the the mix of chaos, the state is frequented with many natural disasters such as earthquakes, wildfires, floods, mudslides, rainbows, freeways, killer bees, rising sea levels, smack, crack, paparazzi, Paris Hilton's hungry man-eating holes, and disgruntled drug induced ex-movie producers armed with tanks. If you ever find yourself in California the best thing to do is pray to God and run like hell.

California may break into two, maybe 3 or even 4 new states. The "SouCal" people have a beef with the stuck-up "NoCal." folk. Often you have Los Angeles and San Francisco residents look down or poke fun at each other. The two halves would meet in a pissing contest to see who can aim the highest...and none of them can.

At times the two halves admit to share a hatred of the East coast (i.e. San Diego or Santa Cruz), the Midwest (i.e. Central Valley from Chico to Tulare), the "South" (i.e. Stockton or Bakersfield), the Northwest (i.e. Eureka or Redding close to Oregon) and the Southwest (i.e. Palm Springs or the Mojave Desert close to Arizona).

History[edit]

Early History[edit]

Being the plastic and soulless cesspit it is, California had no history at all prior to 1992. Willing to change all this, Los Angeles resident Rodney King rounded up a few of his close friends and a camcorder to film some pranks and make a quick buck on Candid Camera. The most notable being the 'Police Brutality' scene, where Rodney's mates dressed as police and kicked the shit out of him on a residential street, this quickly went viral and caused an uproar within the ethnic communities, who could not see the humor in the footage and went on the rampage in downtown LA. King later condemned the actions of these people as he didn't know how much of an impact it would make. Once peace was restored, the governor of the state erected a statue of Rodney King in the LA Civic Center, after he finally written the first chapter of Californian folklore.

The livin' end[edit]

California has over 50 million residents, yet most of the oldtimers left for its next-door neighbors Oregon, Nevada, Arizona and other western states like Washington, Idaho, Utah, Colorado, Montana and even the empty closet spaces of Wyoming. Hhhmmm, I wonder why.

Inhabitants[edit]

California happens to be filled with the hollow shells of what were formerly people, as opposed to Nebraska which is full of nothing (which is better), the Southern United States which is full of retards, and France which is full of shit. California is largely composed of three ethnic and cultural groups.

Californians[edit]

File:Katp.jpg
This is a typical california girl, according to Katy Perry
Typical Californian, who has too much hair tonic.

Many believe that, like, all people in California have bleached blond hair, and like say 'dude' in every sentence, and surf to school or work, but this is completely erroneous. Most of them have naturally blonde pubic hair (I totally checked), green eyes, and only the 90% who live near a beach can surf anywhere but the internetz, only 98% made of silicone. Californians typically have trouble understanding why anyone would want to live somewhere else.

Immigrants[edit]

An Immigrant

California is often said to be nothing more than an placental extension to Mexico and Ohio, full of Mexican immigrants, by right-wingers. This is entirely true. To be factual, California consists of around 77% Mexican immigrants, and another 7% of South American descent. Immigrants are rarely seen in Hollywood movies set in California, however this is not because of Hollywood being full of racist personnel, but because immigrants enjoy spending most of their time in jail, or "la casa." Homosexual immigrants can be seen in San Fransisco's famous gay street Castro St., or they can also be seen in school.

Immigrants are an amazing people with a fascinating culture, consisting of: carjacking, over-eating, alcohol, burritos, pissing off white people with their crazy accents, weed, making hella sweet cars, and being lazy. Though the Mexican population is often considered to be nonthreatening (like a benign tumor) outside of car jacking and various other crimes, they are indeed responsible for one of the greatest threats to the world today: La Chupacabra (aka Rosie O'Donnell, mostly known as La Chupadonnell. With the rising tide of bullshit coming from Hollywood, La Chupadonnell and great enemy Donald Trump, devour of Toupes and Worlds began the great California Civil War, resulting in the complete annihilation of Los Angeles (Los Angeles is a trademark of Trump Industries. "Trump Industries: We eat Children!"). After the war resulted in the death of La Chupadonnell, Donald Trumps Toupe became all powerful lord of the universe, sharing his throne with Xenu.

Most Californians wish they were "ghetto" like they are, or they wish they could be like their idols(Ismael). by the way, Caboose h8s California.

Californians are known to be radical: There is a movement by these radicals, dressed in stormtrooper outfits goosestepping in front of members of the "master race" lead by a thin-mustached-man with a German accent with his fiery speeches about the "minorities" taking over the state. He then salutes with his left arm upward and everyone shouts "ZEIG HEIL" when he's done speaking.

To reduce the overcrowding and budget deficit, the radicals call for the segregation, concentration of and ultimately, the "Final solution" of getting rid of immigrants, (esp. Mexicans), Black people, Japanese (or any "Oriental" who all looks alike), Arabs, Armenians, Californian Indians (time to burn down these casinos) and most of all: Jews, gypsies and homosexuals known to be majorities of people in Hollywood, San Francisco and Sacramento.

Language[edit]

Californians speak a bizarre dialect of English which has mutated through the use of random words such as "hella". This is likely due to them being high and utterly incomprehensible 99% of the time. Southern Californians also have an incomprehensible fetish wherein the use of the grammatical article is mandatory when referring to highways (i.e. "The Five" rather than just "Five" or "Route Five" as the rest of the world would say). They also don't use the word highway, its freeway moron! It is believed this mutation of English is due to widespread brain damage from the smog that perpetually shrouds Los Angeles. It has also been found that the smog may have contributed to California's second language, Spanglish which is when someone is confused about whether they are speaking English or Spanish. For example: "I need a job" translates to, "I need a yob".

Culture[edit]

Consists of many Mexicans imported from Mexico. Because white Anglos in California don't work, don't marry, don't have babies, don't live in the state year round and don't know Mexico formerly had the land. To fill the void, we bring in the Chinese, Vietnamese, Koreans, Filipinos, Thais, Indians, Pakistanis, Iranians and the whole U.N., as white Anglos want to be "multicultural". Except Black Americans in urban areas of Watts and Oakland are the biggest victims and hate Mexicans (er...Hispanics, er...Latinos) a lot worse than whites.

Hollywood[edit]

Since the beginning, California has been filled with Jackasses.

Can also be spelled as Holy-Wood (Mansonites use that name as preference) was said to once to be the home of actors and actresses of great talent. Sadly, it was destroyed in the Mexican-American War and all inhabitants were killed. Industrial fans are also said to be involved. It was rebuilt in the late 90's by hip-hop superstars and their addiction to image, drugs, bling, etc. Many mechanical animals are said to roam and be seen around here. An screenpaly was written for an old west film, which later became the state's constitution

Recently, shows like The OC and Laguna Beach have been attempted, but unable, to depict life in California in a positive light.

Government[edit]

San Franny

California is a Communist Republic based of the teachins of Karl Marx and held their first elections in 1882, and overwhelmingly elected Jimmy Buffet as a Supreme dictator. This was not entirely unexpected, but surprised residents of many other states. Pubic opinion turned against Buffet in 1891 afer the wake of the Great earthquake and soon after Buffet was kicked out, Calfornia sufferred until 1945 when the Soviets took control of Calfornia.

From 1945 to 1960, the state population and economy grew about 100 times. Too many people from the East Coast, came to California and damages muched though. It's nice and warm, but they don't care.

In the late 1980's, the Soviet government decided to stop doing everything, because they were couldn't make up their mind. They stopped building highways, they "talked" about mass transit but didn't. Soon the whole state fell into disrepair. Houses became too expensive as nobody wanted to commute. Since, America started helping cars here don't move (they form vast urban mobile home parks called freeways), they are becoming more and more like homes... some 89% of Californians now report their car as their primary residence.

Swarchenegger is planning with Austrian president along others to start a Fascist dictatorship and Cancel relations with the United States of America. (Note: this was pre-empted by the return of Governor Moonbeam.)

Note: The state may split to four new ones when ever I'm done re-editing this part, or fall into the ocean by a 12.0 earthquake.

Pronunciation[edit]

Although mispronounced by the Anglo invaders for centuries, the correct pronunciation of the word was only learned by most honkies when Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor, or Governator as some called it. AHHH-nald taught the honkies the correct pronunciation: KAH-lee-fo-nee-ah, which he learned to say when grabbing girls asses. Many East Bay Area (alternatively spelled SF Gay Area) rappers pronounce it as Cali-four-nye-yay, though most don't know much English.

Alles500.jpg

The Stealing of Cheese[edit]

California is known to have a cheese industry full of bastards and physically retarded cows. They decided one day that they will become the new Wisconsin by becoming The Dairy State, even after Wisconsin had held the title for years. They made this obvious when there was a commercial featuring a group of cows, supposedly in Wisconsin (if Wisconsin looked like a freezer covered in skeet) with Wisconsinite accents. They stole the title temporarily and made moronic commercials with cows that enjoy earthquakes. But recently all of the cows starring in the commercials have been assassinated by a man in a "Celebrity Deathmatch" t-shirt, and a Nixon mask. California, now without advertising, has lost the title of The Cheese State, because no little kids who enjoy talking cows are badgering their mothers to buy California cheese, and California wants it back. A fight to the death will be held on February 22nd 2010, but the favorite (California) is likely to win, because of Oakland, which functions as a fist, and can hold foreign objects, because the match will be no holds barred.

Etymology[edit]

The name "California" which used to be called 'Tierra de California', originates from two different languages, Spanish and English (originating from Atlantis). The Spanish portion, "Cali", is from the Spanish word "caliente", meaning "hot". The English portion, "forni", is from the English word "fornication", meaning "sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other". Thus, "California" means "the Land of Hot Sex". It is also spelled as Killafornia by Bay Area gang members. Can also be called Killakali. Unhappy residents have been known to call it "The People's Republic of Kalifornia".

Future[edit]

The future fascist fringe party flag of California. It has the colors associated with the Nazi party in Germany!

California is running out of water, electricity, oil to operate all its 200 million vehicles, and has no money as so to speak to support the state's 100 million people.

According to a Wikipedia database dump from 2010, made available for download in 2009 due to an unfortunate clock error on a server, in August 2009 China will become annoyed with purchasing bonds from California which go only to repay the bonds they already hold, and simply buy the state outright. The Chinese announce plans to employ the "competent" gamers from California as gold farmers, and train the rest in how to carry out socialism while "fucking up less", to quote a Chinese official speaking on condition of anonymity.

In 2010 California declared independence for what had to be the fifth or sixth time. This time it was a pseudo-democracy partly controlled by the Japanese. There was some small resistance from America, but they crushed the Imperialist Facsist BAsterds with their armies of Laser Bears. !HASTA LA VISTA BABI! Afterward, California was overthrown (again) by Neo-Anarchists who strictly enforced their beliefs of anarchy. Anyone who didn't do whatever they wanted was executed by drowning in nacho cheese. Many movies depict California as a hellhole in the future (well...it is now, but it's gonna get really bad): Blade Runner, Demolition Man and the Terminator starring guess who? AH'HEIL BE BAHK.

Principal Exports[edit]

  • Californians: The world has an insatiable demand for Californians, which are only produced in California. Perennially large importers of Californians include Oregon and Washington, and increasingly the metro-areas of Texas. Nevada has rented Californians en masse for the weekend for decades. Utah can't stand them, and Colorado wants to close its borders to them. In fact consumption in these regions is so large that many other regions, such as Cuba, North Korea, and Canada rarely are able to import as many Californians as they should be able to.
  • Soylent Green: Made out of fresh California natives, occasionally those that were turned into fertilizer.
  • Vegetables: Much of California's vegetable produce is grown by inmates at the California State prison, 26.4% of the state male population. The prisoners reportedly consume much of the produce, but are relatively happy to part with it when attacked with shotguns.
  • Fruits: Aside from silicon chip thingys that go in computers that nobody cares about, California's main export are Apples, oranges, and other fruits. Apple Computers is located in Silicon Valley, though most of the iFruits are sent over seas for assembly. Orange County has nothing to do with the fruit, many of the fruits are grown just outside "the OC" which brings us to California's main export: Fruit Loops, they come in various flavors such as "Tom Cruise," and "Leonardo DeCaprio."
  • Bros: California is notorious for exporting "bros". Bros are usually people between the age of 18-23 who wear backward hats, sunglasses all the time, own a GameCube, a black dildo, are named Chad, Tad, Brad, or Barry. Typical bro phrases include, "Dude!", "You want to listen to Jack Johnson?", "Want to play GameCube?". Some cities have set import quotas on bros, such as New Jersey, due to the mass amounts of bro volume.
  • Marijuana: California produces 99% of the bestest weed in the United States. But it's medicinal (I swear).
  • Porn: California produces 99.976% of the worlds gay porn and all of the straight porn. However California is the worst place in the world to get laid. All the hot chicks are doing porn, or become lesbians. It's the goldenest gold digger state in the union. They make about $400K a year are heavily in debt and always broke. They are the biggest recipients in California state welfare programs. By the time these chicks hit 30, they have over 8 million miles on the vagidometer and look like old blown out tires. No guy dead or alive wants them. Most guys in California go overseas to get laid. The rest of the world buys our porn and they get laid too. California's a fucked up weird place.

Notable Cities[edit]

A map of California (made by Jerry Jackson).

Note: Go ahead, expand this list.

  • Los Angeles - L.A. or "La-la-land" for the whole world.
  • Compton - we be clubbin' represents tha' ghetto.
  • Long Beach - Birthplace of "Gangsta rap".
  • Anaheim - Disneyland, edge city of L.A.
  • Riverside - Smoggy, get out your gas masks.
  • San Bernardino - More dangerous and gang-filled than Compton.
  • Oakland - Gangs like the Raiders, Warriors and Athletics.
  • San Francisco Bay Area - Waving the Rainbow flag.
  • San Diego - "Whale's vagina" in German, "Gringos" in Spanish.
  • Fresno - Where Mexicans and Rasta pick fruit and smoke marijuana together.
  • Sacramento - The crapital and sasspool by the San Joaquin delta.
  • Stockton - Inland ports, Homeland security should pay attention.
  • Modesto - The city on the hit 1970s movie American Graffiti.
  • Reno, Nevada - where Californians go for a quick marriage, also for a quick divorce and hopefully to legalize gay marriage there (good idea, big $ to make).
  • San Francisco - "Frisco" but don't call it that there or you're dead.
  • San Jose (I know my way there, its near Costa Rica) - more people than San Francisco.
  • Salinas - The slums facing the BEAUTIFUL city of Monterey.
  • San Luis Obispo - Polytechnic jocks, preppies and party animals.
  • Santa Barbara - Known for its 1980s' soap opera with the namesake.
  • Bakersfield - West Coast annex of Megatexas, full of hicks.
  • Bollywood - West Hollywood, North Hollywood or the "real" Hollywood.
  • Logan Hieghts - formerly Chicano park in San Diego.
  • East Los Angeles - The anchor baby of Mexico in California.
  • Palm Springs - hot as hell, but avoid Coachella at all costs.
  • Mexicali - Border town, makes Tijuana look "nice" for a change.
  • Reseda - Mentioned often in tv shows, the largest exporter of anorexic girls and idiotic boys.
  • ToolToolington- The birthplace of the modern day "tool". Full of assholes(and Matthew Maconahay).
  • Inland Empire - Nothing special.
  • Fontana - "Fontucky or Little Oklahoma".
  • Ontario - "Oaxacanario or Little Mexico".
  • Rancho Cucamonga - now admitting Blacks to purchase suburban homes, where the blacomedy movie Next Friday was filmed at.
  • Rancho California - Pseudo-farmers, wannabe cowboys and fake indians.
  • Oxnard - Oaxacanardo, asi.
  • Ventura - Recently it was renamed "Vagina".
  • Ojai - Oh Hi, My name is Earl.
  • Simi Valley - America's last Sundown town.
  • Death Valley - America's summer playground.
  • Moreno Valley - America's fastest-dying city.
  • Redding - White supremacist hideout.
  • Red Bluff - It is a podunk farm town.
  • Richmond - No, wait, that's Virginia.
  • Alturas - Future state capital of "State of Jefferson".
  • Visalia - California's own rust belt.
  • Tulare - Poor neighbor syndrome.
  • Kings County - highest unemployment rate in America.
  • Madera- Capital of Aztlan, North Mexico.
  • Merced - border town mentality.
  • Trinty County - Poorest county in California.
  • Crescent City - State boundary, has Pelican Bay prison.
  • Eureka - I didn't find worth shit.
  • Yreka - No good, fool's gold and get some weed while you're at...the town of WEED!
  • Chico - In BUTT county (smalls like ass).
  • Yuba City - Grand Theft Auto part X: gang wars.
  • Yuma, Arizona - Ethnic cleansing II: border conflict.
  • Imperial Valley - or county, sounds less hickish that way.
  • Coachella Valley - Winter-time desert resort, HOT AS HELL.
  • Yucca Valley - Site of 12.0 earthquake (there goes California).

Other places to see[edit]

None of these places are physically located in California. But they're still nice!

Counties of California[edit]

California consisted of 58 counties, but since 2006, California took over 3 overseas territories of the United Spades of America, Israel (known as Thizzreal), iRaq, and Puerto Rico, to have 61 counties. California is currently invading it's neighbor states Oregon, Nevada, and Arizona.

Fact: 24 counties in California are less than 50% white, 5 of them are over 50% Hispanic and about one (San Francisco, it's a county too) has developed a declining "minority majority" percentage population.

Non-fact: Los Angeles county is the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, pretty soon it will no longer exist and California will have 60 counties. Everyone has since moved on to Orange County.

File:Empiremarching.PNG
California army marching into Greece.

Regions of California[edit]

"When you're strange" you're probably in California.
  • Northern California is the very green, pinko-commie, blue state with a bipolar disorder based on the mental illness called liberalism, either centered in San Francisco, San Jose or Sacramento.
  • Southern California is the very dry, white-racist, red state in a way with Los Angeles in charge of everything, San Diego is for the yacht-riding rich folk, and Orange County is the secret GOP state.
  • Central California is the third position: moderate Republican, Reform Libertarian, and divided into more parts than you think. The coasts are extensions of SF/Nocal, while the valleys is LA/Socal.

Noteable Californians[edit]

Californians (be it native-born or transplants) who were in the white house[edit]

External Links[edit]

See also[edit]