Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
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“ It's 100% glitch-free! ”
“ ENEMY AC-130 ABOVE!!!!!!!!! ”
“ Normally, Im against violence, but this shit is fucking awsome!!!”
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is first-person shooter developed by Activision, with no help from Infinity Ward whatsoever. It is the sequel to Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare featuring the revival of dead characters, overpowered weapons and chopper gunners. For 60$ of your pocket money, you too can join the 600,000 other 12 year olds, pimply teenagers and drunk pub buddies online! Want to find out more? Read on!
For most players, before they hop online, they first do the campaign. To help you along, here's a helpful compilation of the missions.
The first mission. You listen to General Shepard talk about Russia's economy, then teach some shitty militia from Afghanistan. Finally, you have to run an obstacle course while a white man whips you for aiming down your sights or switching to your pistol.
You get to blow up Taliban with a grenade launcher while fellow soldiers take pictures with cell phones. You then clear a school full of more Taliban, then General Shepard invites you to a non-descript mission.
You take control of a Cockroach under the command of a bar of Soap who was supposed to have died in the first game. You kill Communist Russians in a snowstorm before escaping in a BadAss snowmobile chase.
Mission made to make John McCain and Sarah Palin angry. You take a overly huge machine gun and shoot a bunch of cloned civilians in an Airport. Then, you spam noobtubes at Russian police with riot shields only to be shot in the face with a Desert Eagle.
U.S gets invaded by Russians in HUGE. ASS. FUCKING. DEATH PLANES. Blow up civilian homes with your grenade-launcher.
Note: At this point Activision hires a new plot writer who fucks the game up so bad it isn't even worth reporting.
You start off as Private First Class Joseph Allen, a Ranger stationed in Afghanistan, who later goes undercover in Russia for the CIA under the alias of "Chuck Norris." Private James Ramirez, a member of 1st Battalion 75th Ranger Regiment stationed in the United States stands against Communist invasion. Then this faggot named "SOAP" (seriously, couldn't his mother think of a better name?) returns as a non-playable character for most of the game, but dont worry, you get to control this guy in the last few levels and the the credits shooter. In the 5 years since Call of Duty 4 took place, (Even though its only really been 3 years!) he has been promoted to the rank of Captain. Hes now the boss. What can be greater than to be bossed around by a guy named after the stuff you use to clean your armpits?? You also briefly assume the role of an unnamed astronaut during an EVA in the minute or so prior to the station's destruction.
Several non-playable characters play prominent roles in the story. Captain John "Soap" MacTavish (voiced by Kevin McKidd) returns as a NPC for a majority of the game and serves as Roach's superior officer and mentor (similar to Captain Price serving as MacTavish's mentor in Call of Duty 4, except this guy is a total douche). Captain John Price (voiced by Billy Murray) also returns from Call of Duty 4 to assist Task Force 141 after MacTavish, Roach, and other members rescue him from a Russian Gulag. Other faggots, I mean characters, include Simon "Ghost" Riley, (voiced by Craig Fairbrass, who also voiced Gaz in Call of Duty 4) who conceals his face with a mask. For the rest of the story, you go killing a bunch of Communists. You also pull a six inch knife out of your heart and use it to impale a guy's eyeball in the last level. Despite a mutilated heart, a crushed lung, and a raging hangover, you somehow survive and are helped into a helicopter to fight in the highly anticipated Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3: Nazi Communist Zombie Terrorist Ginger Takedown.
This is what you have been waiting for. This is what you looked up videos on YouTube about internet connection sharing and bought a 7.99$ Ethernet cable at Staples for. Online multiplayer. The biggest cluster fuck known to man. Only go here if you have invested many hours into Call of Duty, if your are inexperienced you will be mercilessly slaughtered until you leave multiplayer.
First you must learn about which modes you will play and ragequit on.
Team Deathmatch: Kill people on the other team. Pretty Straightforward.
Free-for-all: Kill everyone, including yourself.
Domination: Attempt to capture flags and then get hit by 12 noobtubes.
Capture the Flag. Relive your Junior High P.E class, but with guns and death. So, not that different.
Search and Destroy: Nothing noteworthy except for people from Austria who complain about there being no respawn.
Demolition: N00b friendly S&D.
Ground War: Basically the biggest cluster fuck ever, who ever spawn traps first wins the game.
These are made to make a good player get more advantages to defeat the already struggling enemy team.
UAV: (3 kills) remote control toy plane used by voyeurs to find out exactly where the goods are.
Care package: (4 kills) A redundant killstreak that calls in a helicopter that drops down a package that has a killstreak in it, which is suprisingly, not another care package. Ammo crates can be harmful to the user's well-being.
Counter-UAV: (4 kills) Remote control toy plane used by virgins to stay virgins.
Sentry gun: (5 kills) Extremely versatile stationary thermal-scoped laser-guided automated minigun with infinite ammunition that can be utterly destroyed by hitting it with a butter knife.
Predator missile: (5 kills) Extremely powerful missile shot from a UAV 30,000 ft in the sky that can be blocked by a riot shield or a few square feet of sheet metal. Cannot level outhouses.
Precision airstrike: (6 kills) Calls in a dynamic, puberty inducing carpet bomb by three supersonic fighter jets that has the strength of two grenades.
Harrier Strike: (7 kills) Like precision airstrike, but brings in a hovering jet who doesn't get enough attention, prompting it to scream in everybody's ears, and prompting people to shoot it down before they lose their hearing.
Attack helicopter: (7 kills) A helicopter made to scare everybody shitless (See Helicopter effects).
Emergency Air Drop: (8 kills) Brings redundancy to the extreme: a killstreak that drops four killstreaks.
pave low: (9 kills) A helicopter that's just a bigger target, and releases pretty lights when shot with targetted rockets.
Stealth bomber: (9 kills) A cooler sounding airstrike that, like helicopters, scare people shitless with a huge, roaring sound, and carpet bombs the entire length of the map with more realistic explosions. Has a tendency to kill people hiding in places that would defend against any number of explosions.
Chopper gunner: (11 kills) Be the gunner on an attack helicopter controlled on your MacBook Pro, that's driven by some drunk pilot who can't fly in the first place and ends up getting arrested for DUI then you have to go bail his sorry ass out. Typically used by the sub human race known as spawn trappers. Spawn trappers are to lazy to use the terrifying AC130 so they use this un relentless weapon of frustration and hitmarkers.
AC130: (11 kills) a Westjet plane ride that lasts a total of thirty seconds and reloads every time you shoot. You sit coach next to that annoying fat guy that won't stop snoring! Even worse there are no complemantary peanuts! Not worth 11 kills. In reality it's a huge ass plane that makes an almost deafening noise every time it shoots and shakes the whole map. Consequently, it's difficult to use which is why most small children who play this game leave the lobby because the unknown thunder in the sky hurdling towards the map and making the enemy get multi kills 4 dayz scares them. Oh and it's nearly impossible to shoot down.
EMP: (24 kills dumb shit who said 15) A killstreak that simulates the effect of someone shining an LED flashlight in your face right after waking up. Ruins all of the game announcers' Nintendo DSs, which they frantically complain about.
Tactical nuke: (25 kills) Mercy killing endstreak that ends the game because one team is getting their ass kicked, badly, and thats why you bought the game, to end it. Just hope a failed host change doesn't happen when you have this ready...
Next, you must learn the tools with which to kill people, or randomly spray into the air.
M4A1: Nail gun version of the ACR.
FAMAS: French 3-round burst gun. Who's surrendering now?!
SCAR-H: Flamethrower. Online flaming, that is.
TAR-21: Xtreme n00b version of the SCAR-H.
FAL: Semi-automatic gun exclusively for modders who turn it into an automatic sniper. (AKA Worst gun ever)
M16: FAMAS with a different name.
ACR: Non nailgun M4.
F2000: Does 100000+ damage per shot, but you will never know since the recoil will cause you to not hit anything.
AK-47: Stalin's pimp cane, now with added rails!
Sub Machine Guns
MP5K: Gun that makes fanboys complain about no living up to the original MP5.
UMP.45: Overpowered gun. Using it will make you penis grow.
Vector: Has a high rate of fire, but so low damage you will have to reload 3 times before you kill someone.
P-90: see MP5K, replace MP5 with P90.
Mini-Uzi: Preferred weapon 4-1 for killing Palestinians.
Light Machine Guns
L86: British gun. When use use it you must take a break every noon for tea.
RPD: An AK with 3x the ammunition. Good for killing U.S Marines.
MG4: LMG M4.
M240: Know the sound an uncharged nail-gun makes? it's the Same.
Intervention: The only bolt-action sniper in the game. Makes your Penis grow, and causes 12 year olds to hit puberty unusually fast.
Barret .50 Caliber: Because a real person would use an anti-armor rifle on normal soldiers, right?
WA200: Rare German weapon that is a cross between a wookie bowcaster and a musket. Whenever you use it, you must bow to it after every shot.
M21 EBR: A FAL with a scope on top. Suck at sniping, use this! (no wait, don't.)
USB 2.0: A device where you store your porn. Makes you masturbate to death.
Magnum .44: Because modern warfare does have Old West weapons.
M9: Boring sound, boring animation, boring reload, no recoil. Causes puberty to reverse, highly unrecommended.
Desert Eagle: A Shotgun that looks like a pistol. Using Akimbo causes huge excitement.
Spas-12: The shotgun Jesus would use if he needed to use one.
AA-12: Machine gun with shotgun shells, used to scare people shitless. Uses box magazines instead of drum due to "balancing issues" (wink wink).
M1014- with silencer = penis pump.
Striker- like AA-12 except uneccesarily large.
Ranger- the gun that would be used in Brokeback Mountain.
Model 1887- some random old gun from a museum that is really a sniper in disguise. Used by men. Causes the user to be flamed to death when used akimbo.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer is filled with angry people whom their whole purpose in life is to get angry at other players who are better than them due to the Napoleon complex of having a very small penis. These players tend to lose at the game while still maintaining their cool. These players are generally hated and due to the hate, hack at the game. This causes the players to be banned and causes their butts to be hurt. There is also an unusually high amount of Neo-Nazis on Modern Warfare 2, racist phrases such as "kill all niggers" and "the south will rise again" can be heard on about every third game.
Have we convinced you join the ranks of MW2 players? We should have. Get rid of the stupid thing called real life, and turn on your Xbox 360!