Canadians
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Canadians are a bunch of friendly, maple syrup eating, hockey zealots. They all live in a cold, snowy place called Canada. Canada is very diffrent from America. They have don't have a president instead they have a Prime Minister. And they have a different national animal. We have the eagle... they have beaver. Also, they're too friendly. What are they trying to pull?
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[edit] Physical characteristics
Generally not as fat as their neighbours to the south, the Americans, Canadians tend to be thinner due to less McDonald's and over-playing of hockey. They tend to sport thick, long hockey hair, and t-shirts with "Pamela Anderson: Come back to Canada" slogans. Not much else can be said about Canadians physical properties because Canada is known for being a very diverse country. Canada has had immigrants from every country in the world, except America, who has been put on Canada's "Do not board" list.
[edit] Antlers
The male Canadian's antlers arise as cylindrical beams projecting on each side at right angles to the middle line of the skull, which after a short distance divide in a fork-like manner. The lower prong of this fork may be either simple, or divided into two or three tines, with some flattening. The antlers are useful for the carrying of beer cans in their plastic rings. The antlers are also used as dowsing rods to help the Canadians locate beer trapped beneath the ice that covers the vast majority of their habitat.
[edit] Beer Cans
The male Canadian will drop its beer cans after mating season in order to conserve energy for the summer season. It will then regrow them in the spring. The beer cans take about three minutes to grow, making them one of the fastest growing brews in the world. The beer cans initially have a layer of aluminum, which will shed off once fully grown.
[edit] Behavior and breeding
Although Canadians are generally timid, the males become very bold during the autumn breeding season, it is not uncommon for them to charge at moving trains, so long as they won't hurt. The females (sometimes referred to as cougars) utter a loud call, similar to the lowing of cattle, which can be heard from up to 3 km away. During breeding (the rut), males will compete for females by fighting with their beer cans and sneakers and by fierce clashing of Kraft Dinner. They also fight with the newly introduced swordchucks. The Canadian male is noted for having irregularly giant penises as well as hgih ejaculation volume, even though they are living on a solid block of ice. They beat shrinkage.
As well as bellowing, the female Canadian emits a strong, odoriferous pheromone in order to attract a mate. She also secretes pheromones in her urine which lets the males know that she is waiting in a motel room in Toronto. Females may begin to breed at 15, but more usually 13 years of age.
The female gives birth to one or (occasionally) two Canadians at a time, in spring. The gestation period for a Canadian is about 216-240 days. Canadian babies grow very quickly, nourished by their mother's beer bottles, which are very high in poutine and other essental nutrients.
In North America, during the winter, Canadians may form loose aggregations in fairly sparse urban centers, which they keep open by trampling the snow. In the spring, Canadians can often be seen in drainage ditches at the side of roads, taking advantage of beer foam which has run off the road. These minerals replace electrolytes missing from their winter diet.
In North America, changes in land use patterns, mainly the clearing of northern forests for settlement and agriculture, have led to the range of the Canadian expanding northward. Where their ranges overlap, Canadians may become infected by parasites carried by the deer such as brain worm, Parelaphostrongylus tenuis, and winter ticks, Dermacentor albipictus, which, though fairly harmless to deer, can be fatal to Canadians, especially when mixed with maple syrup.
The lifespan of a Canadian in the wild is roughly 35 to 80 years, depending on how many hockey fights* he gets into.
- I have broadened the term to include not only actual HOCKEY FIGHTS, but also two guys at a bar fighting over a game, especially a Montreal-Toronto game.
It is also worth noting that Canadians fear the dark, and as such will not be seen walking outside after the sun goes down. This is perhaps the best time to see Canadians in their natural habitats, in their homes or a bar watching a hockey game.
[edit] Culture
Canadian rock art and cave paintings reveal that the Canadians have lived in Canada since about 1867.
In downtown Toronto one can still find trapping pits in use for hunting elk. These pits, which can measure up to 4 x 7 meters in width and be up to 2 meters deep, are camouflaged with branches and leaves in the middle of the major boulevards. They have steep sides lined with planks, making it impossible for an elk or motorbus to escape once it has fallen in. When Canadians trap a motorbus or an elk or sometimes the occocasional drunk person, they will peg it to death with Timbits and then eat it.
The first written description of the Canadian is in the DaVinci Code, where it is described thus:
"There are also animals which are called Canadians. The shape of these, and the varied color of their skins, is much like roes, but in size they surpass them a little and are destitute of horns, and have legs without joints and ligatures; nor do they lie down for the purpose of rest, nor, if they have been thrown down by any accident, can they raise or lift themselves up. Trees serve as beds to them; they lean themselves against them, and thus reclining only slightly, they take their rest. When they have leant upon them, according to their habit, they knock down by their weight the unsupported trees, and fall down themselves along with them. This is due to the beer they have consumed, hallelujah."
U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt was referring to the male Canadian's relentless behavior during breeding when he said "I am as horny as a Canuck."
Canadians are also known for gesticulating wildly to the music of April Wine, a group of assassins based out of Halifax (come on now, there are more than 4 Canadian cities) that have doubled as a rock group for four decades. Scientists speculate that such behaviour on the part of Canadians is a conditioned response, knowing that by appearing to enjoy the band's music they might be spared its fateful wrath. Band leader and international arms smuggler Myles Goodwyn is particularly deadly with a switchblade.
[edit] Humor
Canadians are blessed by a natural gift they evolved, known as standup comedy. About 1,000 Canadian comedians are well known around the world, although Canadians only get American pop media and a few French programs which are not funny. Perhaps the most famous Canadian is Sarah Palin (Ya, yoo betcha.) who should be disqualified for NOT being born in the US. So far, Barak Obama came up with a Hawaii state birth certificate to validate his legit seat of the US presidency. Now that's fucking hilarious. Meanwhile, Canada has yet to elect a standup comedian as prime minister. Pamela Anderson is an actress, not comedienne...but a true Canadian girl, sorry horny American males, she can't run for US president. ;_-(
[edit] Vehicle collisions and Canadian warning signs
A Canadian's body structure, with a large heavy body suspended on long spindly legs, makes these people particularly dangerous when hit by motor vehicles (skidoos). Such collisions are often fatal for both the Canadian and the motorist. This has led to the development of a vehicle test in Manitoba referred to as the "beer run."
In an advertising campaign the Swedish car manufacturer Volvo (also known as Vulva) warned people of buying Japanese cars by stating "There are no Canadians to practice on in Japan."
Generally, upon impact the bumper of the car (skidoo) will break the Canadian's legs. The main body of the Canadian, along with a hail of beer cans, will then collide with the windshield, often with disastrous effect to both.
[edit] What are those Canadians (or Canadiens) doing in the Mall Parking Lot?
Canadians have been infected with something called "GST". This GST is an unusual political virus which causes them to pay an extra 5% for everything they buy in Canada. In addition to this dreadfull GST the lesser civilised parts of Canada (Quebec) are afflicted with a very similar disease called QST which leads them to pay 7.5% in addition to the dreaded 5%. On top of this, some places pay as much as 30% Tax. Canadians have been observed leaving their country for shopping malls in the Buffalo, N.Y. area wearing old, threadbare clothing and footwear. Once they get to the malls they feverishly purchase several sets of shirts and pants and a new pair of shoes, and then frantically change into their new clothes in their Canadian Automobiles, possibly due to fever-like symptoms. They are then compelled, perhaps by the "GST" virus to throw their old clothes in a convienient nearby snowbank (of which there are many) and then compulsively lie to Customs when they eventually return back to their native Canada.
[edit] The Canadian in popular culture
- In Western culture, the Canadian is often depicted as laconic and good-natured but not terribly bright. Bullwinkle J. Moose of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, an animated Canadian news show, is the most famous example, although Rutt and Tuke (voiced by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas in a return to their MacKenzie Brothers roles) from the Disney release Brother Bear are also excellent examples.
- A Canadian for Jessica chronicles the 76-day 'relationship' between a Canadian man and a Hereford cow named Jessica in Shrewsbury, Vermont, USA.
- In Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the opening credits are given mock-Swedish subtitles that quickly degenerate into vandalism, including such lines as "A Canadian once bit my sister" and "Mynd you, Canadian bites kan be pretty nastï".
- In poker, a loose or inexperienced player is often referred to as a Manitoban.
- The quest to see (and possibly catch) Canadians is a recurring theme in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Cheese Whiz.
- According to Invader Zim, what lies at the end of a wormhole is a Canadian.
- Some people might tell you that these references in fact refer to a moose. But we don't listen to them.
- To learn more about the warm hole please watch all of "The Invader Zim documentary".
- Canada is filled with emos, especially Ontario. Where do you think Avril Lavigne, Skye Sweetnam, and Three Days Grace are from?
[edit] Canadian Trivia
- In 1999 the president of Canada (who happens to be a polar bear) was assasinated after passing a law legalizing hunting. Americans found this to be extremely funny.
- Most Canadians prefer to mate "doggy style" so no one misses the hockey game.
- A group of Canadians is called a "Gang" or "Herd", or occasionally when four get together, a Rush.
- It is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a Canadian in Fairbanks, Alaska.
- The "Canadian test" is a test for vehicles doing rapid cornering, based on steering to avoid crashing into any mooses... moosei... moose... meese. Mooses. Whatever. This test was the embarrassing downfall of the Mercedes-Benz A-Class as the car rolled over and resulted in the A-Class being modified for better stability with a Canadian at the wheel.
- Margaret Trudeau has a map of Canada tattooed on her ass. When she sits down, Quebec separates.
- During the spring thaw, a Canadian can swim for up to two hours and as far as twelve miles.
- Tycho Brahe (1546-1601), a famous physicist and astronomer had a Canadian that every two minutes got drunk and fell down the stairs in his castle[1].
- Canadians do not even bring their guns to the mall.
- They treat curling just like it's a real sport.
- Canadians like to use phrases like "surfs up dude!" and "man look at that wave" when referring to going out in the snow.
- Some Canadians lose any respect they might have by moving to another country. For example take young Adam Peter Evans-Labrie, a well known disgrace of his country who emigrated to the small country of Wales. He is now mocked for this move by everyone he's ever met, including his Welsh "friends". For more info on his lazy lifestyle take a look at the Gorrilas page.
- The Band Plague Crawler are Canadian.
- Almost any word in the Canadian language (Not understandable by many) can be substituted for the english word Fuck.
- Canadians are perhaps the only nationality (except americans) who wear clothing with their own countries flag when visiting other countries. Scholars have debated the reason for this oddity for years. It is likely becuase they'll be more likely end up home after coming to.
- Canucks are large 'down there'.
- Sarah Palin sounds Canadian...eh? Ya, yoo betcha.
- Newfoundlanders are embarrassed to be lumped in with Canadians, and apologize for any confusion their accents may account for. Often when you see a Newfoundlander with a Mainlander (typical Canadian), the Canadian will end up doing something that will embarrass the Newfoundlander for being seen in public with the nice but slow Canadian.
- Canadians worship beavers-beaver gods-and give them Stanley Cups as offerings.
- Canadians are often mistaken for n00bs, but they are in fact more closely related to potatoes.
[edit] See also
 Home of the CBC, bacon, beer, Rodney McKay, cougars, killer moose, Mounties, colour, FLQ, hockey, Ice bowling, Peter North, Prime Ministers, Poutine, Studebaker Lark, Timmies, Trailer Park Boys, and people who, like, live in igloos, eh?, Caribou, ultimate Canadian power, We stand on guard for thee.
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