Captain Attourney
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“If the glove dont fit, he musta quit!”
~ Johnny Cockran on OJ
“Look in the court! Its OJ Simpson! Its Johnny Cockran! wait..isnt he dead?”
~ General Public on Captain Atourney
“BY YOUR POWERS COMBINED! WHY THE HELL AM I HERE?? IM CCCAAAAPPPTTAAIINN ATTOURNEY BITCH!!!!”
~ Captain Attourney on being summoned
“Do I think Captain Attourney is a hero? Why sure, seein as he defended me in that one case..Like i said before, I did not have sex with that woman!”
~ Bill Clinton on Captain Attourney
“Aww hell yeah I could kick superman's ass!”
~ Captain Attourney on Superman
Captain Attourney is one of Captain Planet's lesser known Cousins. Even though most people dont know him, he is still all that and a bag of chips. He is a superhero who prides himself on bustin in on court cases and saving the day! He has joined the superhero pantheon along with his cousin Captain Planet, Mr. T, Chuck Norris, that dude that did that stuff, and Ralph Nader.
In 2004, Captain Attourney was elected "pimp of the year" by 50 Cent due to his uncanny ability to attract bitches and hos with a snap of the fingers and a flick of the cane.
“Bitch thats what u get fo not havin my money, sho yo tits more next time, and eat some chicken nuggets to make that flat ass grow out. Girl the damn wall got a bigger bulge.”
~ The back of Captain Attourney's hand on some ho's face
Captain attourney was also designated the "po' man's hero" in 2004 because he'll work for almost anything. But, a hidden article in his contract states that after signing you must put in 15 years as his employed but wayyyy underpaid ho. So! to all the stupid idiots in the world: MAKE SURE YOU READ THE MUTHAFUCKIN FINE PRINT!!
Contents |
[edit] The Attournateers!
The original Attournateers were Johnny Cockran and OJ Simpson. When they did their secret "ghetto shake" before a trial, Captain Attourney would be summoned. Unfortunately, since one of the origionals is dead, and the other is behind bars, Captain Attourney had to resort to others...aka PUSSIES! as his summoners. The new attournateers like to call themselves: THE AMOEBA OF EVIL!
[edit] The Crunkest Homies of all Time
These homies arent really attournateers but Captain Attourney is too damn lazy to make another section. When Captain attourney gets frustrated and just can't seem to solve a case, he calls up his two main homies, his man nigga NinjaNigger, and his #1 cracker Captain Cracker. These two crunk ass mofos have helped out Captain attourney many a time.With Ninja Nigger's abillity to get info out of hos and Captain Cracker's abillity to,uhhh, eat mayonaise, they help a pimp out when he needs it
“BITCH YOU BETTER TELL ME WHERE MY MONEY AT OR I'LL GET CAPTAIN ATTOURNEY ON YO DISEASE RIDDEN ASS!!!”
~ ninjanigger all up on some bitches ass
“MORE MAYO FOR ME PLEEEAZE NYYYYAAAHHH!!!”
~ Captain Cracker on sandwiches
[edit] Those Two Crazy Kids!
Even though these kids dont look like it, they are cold blooded killers. That is why Captain Attourney chose them to be his first two Attournateers. Plus, their white, so they are less likeley to get caught, arrested, and thrown in jail. Cough: OJ! Those two crazy kids make up the flagellum of the AMOEBA OF EVIL!. They are locked, loaded and ready to kick ass! They shout "white boys!" during the summoning of Captain Attourney.
“Wesa gonna KICK YO ASS!”
~ Those two crazy kids on a couple of CNN Reoprters
Those Two Crazy Kids criminal records include: Knockin' over a 7-11, Rape, Assualt With a Deadly Weapon, Rape, Arson, Rape, Poppin' a cap in a 5-0's ass, Harboring Illegal Aliens, Transporting Illegal Aliens, Possession of Illegal Subatances, Transportation of Illegal Substances, and did I say Rape?
[edit] The Ghettoest of Them All!
This is The Ghettoest of Them All. He likes to be called "straight up gangsta", "a true pimp", and "Leeroy". His only real power is solving rubik's cubes, and no one really knows why hes there.
“I know why hes part of the AMOEBA, cause hes straight up gangsta..just like
me.”
~ Captain Attourney on Leeroy
OH RIGHT! That's why hes there! Thanks, Captain Attourney!
“No problem, bitch.”
~ Captain Attourney on The Author of this article
Theres an old, ghetto saying that goes, "if ya ain't got da money on da first and da fifteenth, yo aing gotta worry about catchin a dog's ass! ya gotta worry about a dog...CATCHIN YO ASS!" Ever since he first heard these words when he was Three, The Ghettoest of Them All has tried to live by those words, and worships them like the bible. He shouts "Ghetto!" during the summoning of Captain Attourney.
[edit] Ronald McPimpald
The final member of the AMOEBA OF EVIL! is Ronald McPimpald who, up until now has stayed on the west side of McDonalds, working in secret. Now a part of the AMOEBA, McPimpald conducts his sometimes "shady" work in broad daylight. This is because he knows Captain Attourney has his back and will defend him in court. Ronald McPimpald is the older, less gay, brother of Ronald McDonald. While Ronald McDonald is busy getting children to sit on his lap, McPimpald is doing a True Man's work. And everyone knows that work is being a Pimp. McPimpald has his own multi-billion dollar company, McPimpald & bitches, and is employing over 25,000 full time hos. McPimpald shouts "PIMP!" during the summoning of Captain Attourney.
“By 2009, McPimpald & bitches is gonna be a muthafuckin household name. EVERYBODY is gonna wanna get dey greasy hands on my hos. My company is gonna git so goddamn big, Ima out-pimp every pimp in da world, except for Chuck Norris. Me and him straight. yeeaahhh bitch!”
~ Ronald McPimpald on his views for da future
[edit] Summoning, a step by step guide.
To summon Captain Attourney, there are a Few things you do. (the process isn't as GAY as for Captain Planet.) 1. The First step is to get '40s for all the Attournateers to get drunk, or "tipsy", on. 2. Next, you must get all the attournateers high. 3. Finally, you get them a bitch to gang rape. When They about to skeet skeet skeet, have them Declare: "White boys!", "Ghetto!", "PIMP!", IN THAT ORDER! If they are too high and or tipsy and say it out of order, God will rain Ugly Bitches down upon the Earth. 4. Captain Attourney is summoned, your court case is saved. 5. Get crunk.
[edit] Captain Attourney, in the..flesh?
No mortal (besides OJ and Johnny Cockran) has ever laid eyes on the TRUE form of Captain Attourney. CA's reason for this is simple.
“If dem people see me, den da cops see me. If da cops see me, im doin 25 to life in prison. and im all out of soap-on-a-rope.”
~ Captain Attourney on being seen in public
However, Captain Attourney has been known to take two forms. Snoop Dogg, and Morgan Freeman. Snoop was the first choice of Captain Attourney because of his all around Gansataness. Morgan Freeman was second because hes a pimp. And he is THE GREATEST NARRATOR TO WALK THE FACE OF THE EARTH!
[edit] Foods and other Product lines
Currently, Captain Attourney is affiliated with two food industries. McPimpald's and Burger King. The items on the "food list" at McPimpalds include: Cheesy Hos, Mcflurryho, HoNuggets, Grilled Hos, and the best seller: the McHodle for breakfast. Captain Attourney won Burger King in a poker game from that mascot guy in the commercials.
“That nizzle, at da poker tizzle, Tha Kizzle didn't seem rizzle..fo' schizzle? i guzzle he just didn't caizzle anymo. Oh wizzle. i gotcho sto' now bitch! AH HAHA!”
~ Captain Attourney on that Poker Game
Captain Attourney also owns several product lines. The clothing lines include RockaWear, and BabyPhat.
“Damn i was fucked-up when i named those clothing lines!”
~ Captain Attourney on Naming the clothes companies
Captain Attourney stepped into the marketing ring and bought Matell, Hasbro, and various other childrens toy lines.
