Captain Awesome

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Captain Awesome

Thebox majest.JPG
Best known image of Captain Awesome, blanked to protect your eyes

Publisher The New York Times
First appearance The Ice Age (he melted the ice)
Created by God
Statistics
Real name Captain Awesome is his real name, wally brain!
Status Dead
Affiliations Nifty Boy
Previous affiliations Unknown
Notable aliases He has no need for an alias
Notable relatives Chuck Norris
Notable powers Awesome Strength, Awesome Eye beams, Awesome Butter spreading



“Captain Awesome is awesome.”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Awesome

“What gives you that impression?”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the previous quote

“Is it just me, or is guy kinda sort of good-ish?”

~ Captain Vague on Captain Awesome

“He's pretty good.”

~ Captain Understatement on Captain Awesome

“Oh, I thought he was rubbish!”

~ Captain Sarcasm on the previous quote

“You did?”

~ Captain Oblivious on the previous quote

Captain Awesome is the awesomest superhero ever. He resides in the city of AAAAAAAAA. Being a superhero, he fights crime in a totally awesome way. First of all, there isn't any crime in his city, because all of the criminals are too afraid of Captain Awesome. His powers include: awesomeness, awesome strength, awesome eye beams, awesome coffee making, awesome butter-on-toast-spreading, and awesome rockin' out on the oboe.

Origin[edit]

Captain Awesome comes from a planet known as Awesome. He landed near modern-day Arizona near the end of the Ice Age, where he created the Grand Canyon. Shortly after that, he melted all the ice, claiming that his pet Sabretooth Tiger was too cold.[1] A little known fact is that Chuck Norris came from Planet Awesome as well, and is good friends with Captain Awesome. You might see them out with some other people on the weekends doing awesome things.

Nemeses[edit]

  • Failman, his greatest nemesis. I would reveal more about Failman, but he's fail. He fails hard. I mean, he really fails. He fails so much that he once put a quarter in a parking meter and waited an hour for a gumball. He once took a spoon to the Superbowl. He once saw Waterworld and said "That's not how it happened!" This guy fails. Captain Awesome is awesome.
The Terrible Three, Captain Awesome's funkiest foes.

Weaknesses[edit]

His weaknesses are things that aren't awesome, such as:

  • Green Tea
  • Diet Soda
  • The collective works of Uwe Boll
  • Any movie, TV show, stage show, video game, commercial, book, campfire story, or postage stamp starring Ben Affleck
  • A Black Hole (it sucks, but still not as much as Ben AffleckRimshot.gif)

Failman once almost killed Captain Awesome when he tricked him into going to see March of the Penguins in theaters. Luckily, there was a fan nearby that took him next door to Napeleon Dynamite and he got his awesomeness back. That was a close call for Captain Awesome.

Sidekick[edit]

Nifty Boy, in all his nifty glory.

His sidekick is Nifty Boy. Nifty Boy is not as awesome as Captain Awesome; in fact, he is not even awesome. He is nifty. Perhaps when Captain Awesome retires from being awesome, Nifty Boy will become awesome as well. But Captain Awesome is so awesome, that he probably won't run out of awesome any time soon.

Awesome Cave[edit]

The last guy that entered Captain Awesome's Awesome Cave.

His cave is also extremely awesome. Nobody has ever seen his awesome cave before, because its sheer awesomeness kills whoever sees it. (except Captain Awesome and Nifty Boy.)

His Closest Call[edit]

One day, Captain Awesome was busy being awesome. Suddenly, Failman appeared in his Vacuum-mobile. Laughing hysterically, he crashed into City Hall.

"Oops" Said Failman, "uh, I mean, HA! Now you City Hall is in shambles!"

Captain Awesome walked over to Failman and said, "That was the cleaners, stupid."

"Now you won't be able to clean your clothes! And dont call me stupid." said Failman.

"It was condemned anyway." Said Captain Awesome.

"So you should be thanking me." Said Failman.

"Well thanks," said Captain Awesome. "But you know I still have to kill you."

Failman, after this incedent.

Failman would have protested, but just then Captain Awesome Grinned slightly. That was all it took to melt the skin off of Failman's face. Screaming in pain, Failman ran away.

Later that day, Captain Awesome was sitting in the Awesome Cave watching his Awesome HDTV. Suddenly, he heard a noise at the door. Then he remembered that he ordered a pizza. Captain Awesome opened the door and, to his surprise, saw a skull faced pizza boy standing there.

"Are you Failman?" Captain Awesome asked.

"No" said Failman.

"Oh, alright. Did you remember my soda?" Said Captain Awesome.

"Yes" said Failman.

Captain Awesome took the food and paid the skull faced pizza boy. Upon taking a drink of his soda, he realized that it was DIET.

"I hate diet!" he exclamed.

But then he remembered that diet soda is one of his weaknesses. His legs gave way. He slunk to the floor, barely keeping consciousness. A blow like that could drain the awesomeness out of anybody! He crawled to the Awesome Kitchen, and then to the Awesome Fridge. He opened it slowly. This was his last chance. He reached in and took out a Red Bull. Draining it, he felt the awesomeness come back in him. Then he got his pizza and watched his TV some more.

Death[edit]

Failman was thinking of a way to kill Capatin Awesome one day, when a giant dungbeetle bit his head off. A fail end for a fail guy. The giant bug went to the Awesome Cave and, being pretty awesome himself, walked right in. It walked over to Captain Awesome and bit his head off too. Ving Rhames' Autographs' poured from the hole that was Captain Awesome's neck. Some of the pictures got on the giant dungbeetle and the beetle turned into a giant Ball of Awesome. The bug floated out of the cave. The bug had hay fever and sneezed. That sneeze killed all life on earth (except for cockroaches; they don't die).

Footnotes[edit]

  1. He didn't know that the Sabretooth, named Bob, needed the cold. After it died, his burning rage caused global warming


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