Captain Charisma

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Christian Cage shortly after winning the Kick-Ass steroid midgets Championship in 2006.

The Honorable Captain Jason Christian Nicholas Adam Cage Charisma (born Wednesday, 197X in Ottawa), is a Canadian snooker player and former commander-in-chief of the Christian Coalition. He is best known for his work in the WWF, including his run in a tag team with The Edge. He currently works for Total Nonstop Action Snooker.

Captain Charisma was raised on the US/Canadian border in secrecy by his famous parents, Captain Caveman and Charisma Carpenter. Trained in snookering throughout his youth by Ron Howard, Charisma became a professional snooker in 1984 and founded the Christian Coalition, a fundamentalist snooker stable along with Richard the Rhino, Private Stash, G.I. Bro and his childhood friend The Edge within two years. The Edge and Charisma, however, were shortly ex-communicated from the the Coalition thereafter when they were found to be turning tricks for bags of marshmallows. This would prove to be the start of a long-running addiction for the Captain.

Charisma and The Edge joined the WWF in 1991 where they achieved modest success as STD ridden stoner beach bums who stole pancakes from the elderly. They soon began a well-received series of skits where the pair would sing soul music for pocket change on the shores of Venice Beach. They began referring to themselves as the Greatest R&B Group Ever, which brought them the ire of both TLC and Boyz 2 Men. The three music acts began feuding, after losing 3 consecutive American Idol-style competitions to TLC, The Edge turned on Charisma, blaming his over-emphasis of the falsetto and inability to keep pitch for their losses. They were each given weekly segments and began a feud in which they tried to out-do each other's illegal activities. After a fairly mundane start, (The Edge double parked on a Wal-Mart greeter, and Charisma bootlegged movies, things quickly escalated.. Tempers ran high as The Edge looked to finish off The Captain by knocking over a 7-11, but he countered with a sexual assault charge against the afore-mentioned greeter. Finally, on one fateful Monday, The Edge pulled out his trump card, and had sex with Lita Ford on live television. The Captain, sensing he had been beaten, made a last ditch effort to win the contest. Publicly revealing his addiction to marshmallows, he opened his stash of Peeps and vowed to consume the entire crate. He quickly overdosed, passed out, and was rushed from the building. Ed McMahon was not pleased with this stunt, and blamed Charisma for the severe ratings drop throughout the contest, and demoted him to Lieutenant. Lieutenant Charisma would then lose his title to Loco Guerrero Sr. in a "Military Contract on a Pole match", demoting him to Private Charisma. Seeking to revive his slowing career, he joined the U.S. Army, and was awarded a the honorary title of Captain for Life from the President.

Not pleased at his situation, Charisma befriended The Rock, who led him to the world of drugs. However it turned out Charisma had no affect from any drugs due to a heireditary condition from his father Captain Caveman. Either way, Rock managed to get Charisma to become addicted to the marshmellow treat that was Peeps. His constant snacking on Peeps lead him to go out on acid trips whilst listening to Evanescence's "My Last Breath" and wearing underpants on the outside, a trait he still has to this day. The addiction overtook him so much he got into a gunshot wedding with Trailer Trash Stratus but the marriage was annulled after it was found out that Charisma and Stratus were already married to Tyson Tomko respectively.

With his morale at an all time low, he decided to feud with John Cena after feeling jealous from Cena's sewage maintainance. Despite promise, Charisma's feud with Cena didn't get a kick start due to Tomko's refusal to give Charisma a beep from his own sewage truck. The two filed for divorce thirteen months later. Unhappy with his life, Charisma quit the WWF and joined Total Nonstop Action Snooker. Over there, he beat Monty Burns in 8 frames to 2 to become the next victim to be smashed over the head with a guitar by Jeff Jarrett. Despite being smashed over the head with the guitar, he went on to defeat Jarrett to become the Supreme Total Nonstop Action Snooker World Heavyweight Snooker Champion. He is now friends with retired rock musician Sting. Charisma would turn on Sting at Bound For Shit after hitting him with a guitar and running him over with the Captain Charisma C-2000 Scooter. Then he won the NWA Goofs-For-All championship and founded Christian Coalition again with AJ Styles and Tyson Tomko, now known as Tomko, having lost Tyson to Charisma in the aformentioned divorce suit. Charisma would now be known as Captain Jason Tyson Charisma and rode on his two lackeys to the ring. When Kurt Angle arrived, Charisma challenged for his King of Steroids title, but was DQ'd after referee realised Charisma was immune to steroids. Charisma then fucked Kurt Angle with a chair.

Charisma got fed up with TNA and decided to go to ECW, where he fucked up the ECW Women's Champion Jack Sucker with a leprechaun. He won the championship by cheating, and retained it by stripping Jack in a Bra and Panties match. Recently, ECW was cancelled and Charisma was taken hostage by Chris Jericho's penguin minions in Wales.He wantsONE MORE MATCH,ONE MORE MATCH,ONE MORE MATCH,ONE MORE MATCH.

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