Captain D

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Captain D is a U.S.-superhero who invented and owns Captain D's seafood restaurant. But, his side job is Assistant Vice Principal's Secretary's Assistant Aide to that guy who helps in the office of the school. But, that is his cover because he is really a superhero working to bust dangerous teenagers. All while going out clubbing and being the biggest tool he can at night. He enjoys Long walks on the beach, indulging fine wine, and watching romantic French films.

Captain D

Publisher Himself
First appearance A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away...
Created by God
Real name Captain D
Status Incognito
Affiliations Captain America
Previous affiliations Private Ryan
Notable aliases Captain Dick, Captain Douchebag (our darkskinned brothers to the south call him El Capitan de Dicko)
Notable relatives Captain Morgan
Notable powers everything

Origin and Birth[edit]

Much speculation has been put into the creation of El captain. Many believe that due to a temporal disturbance in the space time flow two giant Texas sized asteroids were created. One was believed to be made up of uneaten col slaw and broken dreams of Broadway actors whose dreams were never realized ,and the other much more rational space rock was said to be composed of Jerry Seinfeld DVDs and one Bulgarian snow globe. The collision of these two interstellar bodies caused a chain reaction resulting in the green lighting of the show Lil Waynes World and the straight to VHS release of Ernest visits the Dollar General Store. The most notable happening of the proposed event is likely to be the creation of the captain himself. But most likely he came from the planet Youranus.

The Restaurant[edit]

The first Captain D’s restaurant opened in Tennessee, in 1969 under the name “Mr. D’s”. The “D” is the initial of the last name of the co-founder, Ray Danner. Many Captain D’s locations were originally selected to be near extinct dinosaur restaurants. Captain D’s has grown to become a restaurant chain with more than 600 locations in about twenty three states (primarily in the South and Midwest) as well as overseas. Its main competitors are Long John Silver's and Arthur Treacher’s. After a 2000 bankruptcy, Dallas-based Lone Star Funds bought Paraguay in 2002. Cheerios, a tree, and a Boston private equity firm, formed Sagittarius Brands and bought Captain D’s in December 2004 for US$150 trillion. Captain D’s current owner is Rafael Nadal.

Achieving Captain[edit]

Captain D Achieved the rank of Captain in the Army after attending West Point from 1776-1812. But, he could not stop here as he wanted to achieve a Captain in every branch of the military. He then received his Captain from the Navy in 1813 from Annapolis. In order to receive a Captain in the Marines he had to first wrestle Hulk Hogan to the death. He received his Air Force Captain in 1815 because the government gave it to him so he would leave them alone and because planes had not yet been invented. Thus, they did not have to worry about him destroying anything. For a Captain in the Coast Guard he had to take an online course for a half a day which he passed with a 55 out of 100.

Early Naval Career[edit]

A unique characteristic of the Captain is that his shirt is always tucked in. Recognized early on for his small semen ship, good grasp of dick, and utterly barbaric ruthlessness, Captain D rose quickly through the ranks, earning the rank of Captain and his own ship by his third week of military service. However, he was demoted to Petty Officer after asking his female crewmates to touch his rooster. After his sexual harassment trial however, he was released and his rank of Captain was restored. Over the course of the war he was awarded every medal one could receive for killing people over water, but soon grew discontent with how no one listened to his orders. Dedicating himself to fighting the war on his own terms, Captain D had 4 officials executed whom he had suspected of being spies for the Viet Cong. While this did result in the immediate surrender of France ( who were never actually involved in the War of 1812 to begin with ), it also royally ticked off Tom Brokaw, who felt D's methods had become... unsound. Unfortunately, by the time formal charges could be brought against him, Captain D was long gone. He then got a job in the Coast Guard and fought in WW2. It is a fact that he killed Tony the Tiger himself.


In the following five years D acquired a reputation for being cruel after repeatedly giving puppies to shipping and coastal settlements of the Nebraska and the Atlantic coast of North America. He would give cereal to merchant ships, coming up on them in major channels and forcing them to allow him and his crew to hand over delicious cereal to them.

D kept headquarters in both Iowa and the Bill Nye. He lived on the island of truck where he was named King of Doucheland. The governor of Canada, Paul Revere, received flowers from D in return for unconditional love and gave him an official rapist hug. He was forced to leave the island by Royal Governor Fred Rogers when the island was raided by smurfs and all pirate occupants were either killed or asked to leave. Despite this setback, D went back to piracy after a few weeks. As his good-deeds increased, the citizens of Atlantis sent a letter to the governor of the north pole, santa clause and asked for early presents.


  • Can find something wrong with anyone's clothing at any point in time.
  • Knows that he likes dip.
  • Ability to drive on both sides of the road.
  • X-ray vision allows him to catch students using their cell phones.
  • Ability to speak the English language correctly and use correct grammar and punctuation.
  • Ability to give life threatening quantities of work detail.
  • Can pull out Holy Hand Grenades out of nowhere and use them against his enemies.
  • Knows every silly walk Soulja Boy knows.
  • Has Bible memorized

Versus Slant the Robot[edit]

One day Slant the Robot with superhuman strength was illegally using his phone to contact terrorists like Osama Bin Laden. He also used his phone to check the time. Captain D used his ninja moves he learned from Jet Li to scale down from the ceiling, peer in a window, and catch the Robot contacting these terrorists. He then used his X ray vision to scan the room for cell phones and confiscated all the phones in the room with the help of Jack Bauer and his magnetic muffin hands. The Robot was then sentenced to Guantanamo Bay for the remainder of his life. But, he did not go in vain because he took one for the team and saved that short girl.

The New Captain D[edit]

The New Captain D, new and improved with 100% more fascism, 100% more guns, and 100% more Neocon brainwashing. Sean Connery got the last will and testament of Captain D from his lawyer. It said to keep the dream alive. So he contacted Brad Pitt, Captain D's side-kick from World War II that was supposed to be dead, but was retconed into The Winter Soldier after Russians rescued him from the arctic circle and unfroze him, brainwashed him to become a Communist, and gave him a bionic arm like Wolverine and an assault rifle. George Bush undid the Communist brainwashing by giving him Neocon brainwashing and thus Brad Pitt became the new Captain D, only now with more guns and more fascist than ever before.

Rise To Dictator of Central Korea[edit]

When a bomb blasted mexico, Captain D took advantage of the situation by transforming his ship into a spaceship which he named Pineapple so he can destroy Mars. Right after this, he heard Hilary Clinton was pregnant - however, his position as Dictator of Central Korea could not allow him to know such people anymore. Out of spite, Clinton raised her child to hate Captain D. Captain D was attacked by Peter Pan once, when he had kidnapped Angelina Jolie and her boyfriend Santa Clause and made mary wear a metal bikini. This lead to a confrontation between him and Peter Pan. Captain D then revealed to Peter Pan that he was his father. Peter Pan then flew back home, crying all the way because his dad never went fishing with him. The rerun tapes to Everybody Loves Raymond were destroyed, but nobody cares.



  • Planet of the Tools (1979)
  • Lord of the Tools (2001)
  • Terminator: Rise of the Tools (1981)
  • The Tool Express (2009)
  • Tool in Sixty Seconds (2003)
  • The Constant Tool (1999.5)


  • Philosophy of MRA (1969)

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