“My name is Captain Exaggeration and I always exaggerate things to the point where exaggeration becomes exaggerated itself and the exaggeration thus becomes exaggerated.”
“I have some cake in the fridge. I think its chocolate. Let me check. Nope, its Ice Cream.”
“About 12 billion people have read this page”
“Captain Exaggeration exaggerates.”
“He has the tendency to sometimes stretch the truth”
Captain Exaggeration, A.K.A. Fitz, A.K.A Overlord of Awesome is the first super hero to ever live due to the fact that he was technically born before William Wallace (A.K.A. Mel Gibson) when his father, Jonathan Taylor Thomas traveled through time with Michael J. Fox to save the world from the Anti-Christ(see Hilary Clinton). Fitz's first appearance as Captain Exaggeration debuted in "The Mother Fucking Adventures of Captain Exaggeration and Knife Boy" which was banned from newsstands in 1961 by the comic code for being "too bad ass".
Captain Exaggeration and is side kick Knife Boy’s careers didn’t really pick up until 1973 when the international villainous and all around super-dick, Megamorpho, attempted to replace the worlds’ supply of porn with questionable photographs of Nixon sodomizing his dog Checkers. This plot was of course thwarted by the heroes when they banished Megamorpho to the far-off world known as Rudolph 7 home to the Celestial Mexicans and recently deceased Mormons. There was a falling out between the two for a brief time when both wanted to pursue different career options. Captain Exaggeration went on to become a New York Times Best Seller with his book, “How to Masturbate into a Dumpster”. Knife Boy was less successful with “Mondo Shit Jacksonite” a play he wrote and produced staring Matt Damon and a package of Trojan Condoms. The two eventually returned to their super heroing when the Anti-Christ released Megamorpho from his Mormon prison where he was not allowed to consume caffeine. They fought several battles but Captain Exaggeration and Knife Boy just couldn’t deal with the newly satanically powered Megamorpho. After they lost the entire nation of Canada to Megamorpho’s horde of sick people in need of free healthcare the two heroes realized they needed help. Thus came Super Toby, a super heroin whose name spun off of a ridiculous inside joke having to do with the film Roots. Super Toby used her amazing super-abilities to make Megamorpho cry and question his sexuality. He later went home and beat his dog with a crowbar. Captain Exaggeration and his buddy Knife Boy were awarded the titles of “Overlords of Awesome” by Ronald Reagan at Chewbacca’s bar mitzvah. What came next can only be described as tragedy.
It started one summer afternoon when Knife Boy was doing his daily “Mexicanization” where he randomly stabbed people on the street for not saying hello back when he realized the unrealizable… or something. His super stabbing abilities had left him. He went to the super high-tech lab of Reed Richards, A.K.A. Mr. Fantastic, and A.K.A. Long Crouch, to see what was wrong with his super powers. Reed told him that he had developed a terminal form of Super Cancer brought on by years of drinking Diet Coke and watching Oprah. He died later that week. Captain Exaggeration fell into a period of depression and spent most of his time writing death threats to his accountant. It was said that he was a very anti-Semitic guy. Then one night Stephen Colbert came to him in a dream and told him that all was not lost for his friend. Colbert explained that if a comic book character is loved enough by his fans that he could be returned from the dead and then said something about dreading the day when he had to return Captain America’s shield. Captain Exaggeration had a mission to accomplish.
Origin of the Universe
Captain Exaggeration teamed up with Super Toby, Birdo (who he dubbed “Blow-Jobmigee”) and Hawkeye of the Avengers to travel across the gulf of space to save his dead friend’s soul who he had come to find out was being held captive in a cosmic super-prison guarded by the feared Shitzilla, a galactic super-knight who had been spreading Universal Genocide for eons in the name of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Knowing they couldn’t defeat the dreaded Shitzilla and his army of zombie bears on their own they sought the aid of long time arch-enemy Paris Hilton along with Master Chief, Thor, and the Irredeemable Ant-Man. Thus the epic battle commenced and the cosmos shook. Ant-Man fled within the first five minutes of the battle leaving Master Chief, Hawkeye and Thor alone to fend off the endless waves of zombies bears and Wolverine clones. After beheading Blow-Jobmigee Shitzilla was about to deliver the coupe de grace to Captain Exaggeration when Paris Hilton leapt in the way and of the blade and died in a violent display of blood, guts and seamen. Thor then banished Shitzilla to the endless hells of You Tube where he was forced to watch the same Dragon Ball Z clip over and over again (see Its Over 9000). After returning Knife Boy’s soul to his body the impossible happened. The Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared before them and before it could devour Captain Exaggeration and his companions Tek Jansen of Alpha Squad Seven arrived and vaporized the beast after having sex with its daughter. He then explained that the Big Bang was created when Stephen Colbert, the god of the New Universe challenged the Flying Spaghetti Monster to an intergalactic war. Of course this was overseen by the all-knowing Super-God. The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s army of Zombie Bears battled Colbert for seventeen millennia when Colbert finally defeated the monster and destroyed everything it had created. Then Stephen gave birth to Galactus who went on to get gay married to his herald Stardust.
Captain Exaggeration and Knife Boy created a school for reptilian children and are now living through retirement on a super astro-base on the moon where they play Halo all day and write stupid Wikipedia articles. Megamorpho finally came out of the closet and was later murdered by his dog. The Anti-Christ was assassinated by Jesus and Mr. T who both received high paying jobs at Bill Clinton’s new strip club “Monica’s Hole”. All diseases were cured and sex robots were created all thanks to Captain Exaggeration and Knife Boy. The world pretty much rocks because of them.
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