Captain Falcon
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“WILDE PUNCH!”
~ Oscar Wilde, before he pwned Shakespeare.
Captain Leslie Nielson Leroy Jetson Falcini III, OHMSS, OBE, PhD, LLBO, is a World War III hero, caped crusader, and professional racecar driver. He is responsible for inventing the Captain Falcon (and F-Zero by default) franchise, his trademark "Falcon Punch", "Falcon Kick", and "Falcon Ovary Smash" attacks.
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[edit] Background
Captain Falcon, originally born Bruce Campbell, was a high school science teacher in Texas. Being one of the few people to actually know how quantum physics works, Falcon set about teaching physics to George W. Bush the uneducated masses. However, when he encountered idiots like Ken Ham and his anti-science goons, Falcon almost lost his job for teaching something that might invalidate a part of the bible.
In court, Falcon's expert testimony, overwhelming evidence, and rising hotshot lawyer, Phoenix Wright, were trumped by Judge Flanders, who was obviously not being partial to the law. Both Wright and Falcon were so angry they coined their famous techniques. Wright slammed his desk, yelling "OBJECTION!" and pointing at the judge. Falcon decided to infuse some physics into the judge, so he quantized his fist, which set it ablaze, and randomly came up with "Falcon Punch!". The resulting explosion destroyed the courtroom, killed one member of the jury, and infused science into Judge Flanders' mind. Realizing he had wasted his life, Judge Flanders started a new life as Christopher Hitchins, though he would never be able to use his liver again due to the impact. Before abdicating, he cleared Falcon of all charges and found Ken Ham guilty of being an asshat. Whenever he meets people that are stupid, he whips out the Falcon Punch to make them unstupid (or kill them if they're too dumb).
Falcon, armed with his cool new move, and all the science he could muster, decided to quit his job and take up racing. Seeing as Nascar was for rednecks he decided against joining the circut. He Built a blue bird with its wings broken upwards. He named it the Blue Falcon and as a result of the ship prones created the F-Zero Circut. It was all good till his fellow racers turned out to be some major freaks. Seeing as how constantly racing a mutant turtle and a pirate-samurai hybrid wasn't his style, He quit the leauge but kept the racer.
A year after he quit racing he met with Masahiro Sakurai for a job interviw. Captain Falcon is now happily employed beating up on people half his size.
==Technique==
The Falcon Punch uses advanced quantum physics to ignite the hand. By using alchemy (not that gay-ass elixir of life bullshit, I be talking about FullMetal Alchemist manipulating the chemical elements kind), he takes in more oxygen to make the fire bigger, and controls it to form the shape of the bird. When Falcon unleashes the punch, the impact causes an infusion of science knowledge into the sulchi of the temporal and frontal cortices of most humanoid species, curing them of their stupid. THe physical damage unleashes massive kinetic force to the opponent's area of being hit, instantly turning that into area of being pwned.
The damage that the FP can do ranges, largely depending on how long Falcon can hold it. Other factors include availability of matter/energy, availability of combustible materials (i.e. O2), and how pissed off Falcon can get. One study, published by the scientific journal, Science, demonstrated that the effective dose of most drugs has no influence on the effect of the punch. The exceptions were shrooms and crack, but only at 46% of a lethal dose of crack and 49% of a lethal dose of shrooms. The direction the punch goes in, however, depends. If a stimulant, like caffeine or cocaine, the punch is usually directed upwards and away. If it's depressive, like alcohol or heroine, the punch goes into the ground with the Captain. All other drugs, including nicotine, cannabis, and antipsychotics, affect the direction in a random fashion.
The actual damage ranges. If Falcon charges for just a second, the punch sends a person flying through the nearest wall, regardless of where the nearest wall is. If Falcon charges it for as long as he can (which is about 10 seconds at best record), the punch's kinetic force will equal the equivalent of 1.5 Mg of matter coming into contact with 1.5 Mg of its anti-matter, which is fucking huge. That's several thousand Meatons, I believe.
Note: It is also believed that Falcon has an invisable flaming mustache.
[edit] Appearances
Captain Falcon was so awesome they made an anime for him. Talk about cool.
He also appeared in the Super Smash Bros series of games, where many people were first exposed to him. He is the only one that announces his attack names, even though there are Asian Trading Card Battle Monsters in it.
Falcon is so cool, he has to be dropped off via racecar.
He can also kick mostly everyone's ass.
[edit] In Other Media
- Many YouTube videos take footage from TV shows and movies and supplement the characters dialogue with "FALCON PUNCH!" when they punch someone.
- One of these features Bright Noa from Gundam [beating up] his own bridge crew for being stupid.
