Captain Haddock
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Captain Archibald Haddock was the contemporary of renowned fascist and anti semitist, Tin Tin. He is the head of the SS (despite maintaining his lowly rank of Captain) and has carried out many raids against Arabs, Jews, South Americans, Hispanics, Apple Computers, the Chinese and Black people.
[edit] Legacy
Captain Haddock's prejudice was infact hereditary. His great grand father was captain Barbossa, who despite being seen in the public eye as an ordinary decent pirate, was infact a serial rapist and hater of all things that didn't have the same skin tone as himself. The family tree extended from Barbossa to the likes of Captain Crunch, Captain Caveman and Captain Scarlet. As you can see, the rank is also as hereditary as the bigotry, which explains how captain Haddock is still classed as a skipper, even though he lives in a secluded mansion and hasn't owned a ship in decades.His brother is Csptain Braxton.
[edit] Characteristics
As well as being a facist, Haddock has numerous addictions and vices, the greatest of this being alcohol. He is perpetually pissed, which often results in his physical, verbal and sexual abuse of his butler Nestor. Captain Haddock has so much alcohol in his system that when he donates blood, it is triple distilled and heavily taxed by the govenment. Captain Haddock loves scatology, hence his perpetual foul mouth. He once masqueraded as the Dalai Lama, but the scam was quickly uncovered when he called the Primeminister of China, a "shit fucking ball bag". Although his rank denotes some kind of sea bound experience, Haddock is totally inept at any seamanship and infact every voyage he has been on has met with disaster. His last voyage, aboard the good ship Venus, was charted in these lyrics;
When we reached our station/ through skillful navigation/ the ship got sunk/ in a wave of spunk/ from too much fornication.
Captain Haddock's sexuality is often desputed. Seen as how he lived isolated in a mansion and his only friend is a single, youthful male with a blonde quiff, it can be presumed that he has a preference for the male sex. Although any such preference would be latent as Haddock was also as homophobic as he is mysogenistic.
[edit] Death
Captain Haddock, during an extreme bout of alchoholism, caught terminal gan-green in his penis as a direct consiquence of trying to nob Tin Tin's dog, snowy. Whilst Tin Tin was amused at first by the captain's crepulent antics, he noticed the terrible swelling on Haddock's balls combined with a terrible smell of paraffin. The captains penis became incrusted with limpits and various other molluscs before snapping off completely. The captain, too inebriated to notice or even care, died peacefully. The whereabouts of his zombified penis is currently unknown, although it was recently spotted dry-shafting some sailors in Antigua.
