- Note: the following was the result of a collaboration between a certain user and Herman Melville, each contributing alternate paragraphs.
Call him Ishmael. Some years ago- never mind how long precisely- having little or no money in his purse, and nothing particular to interest him on shore, he thought he would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. It is a way he had of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation. Whenever he found himself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it was a damp, drizzly November in his soul; whenever he found himself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral he met; and especially whenever his hypos got such an upper hand of him, that it required a strong moral principle to prevent him from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off- then, he accounted it high time to get to sea as soon as he could.
Captain Ishmael was born in a small village 10 miles away from Awesomeville. At age 4 his parents were brutally murdered by This guy. He then vowed revenge for his parents, which he achieved at age twelve injecting AIDS into This Guys eyeballs. Having the last 20 years seeking revenge, he decided to become what he wanted to be before his parents were murdered. A pirate.
He always went to sea as a sailor, because of the wholesome exercise and pure air of the fore-castle deck. For as in this world, head winds were far more prevalent than winds from astern (that is, if you never violated the Pythagorean maxim), so for the most part the Commodore on the quarter-deck got his atmosphere at second hand from the sailors on the forecastle. He thought he breathed it first; but not so. In much the same way do the commonalty lead their leaders in many other things, at the same time that the leaders little suspect it. But wherefore it was that after having repeatedly smelt the sea as a merchant sailor, he should now take it into his head to go on a whaling voyage; this the invisible police officer of the Fates, who had the constant surveillance of him, and secretly dogged him, and influenced him in some unaccountable way- he (the officer) can better answer than any one else.
After parting ways with Jack, whom we forgot to mention before, The Captain went on to direct movies. His first film was the 1969 epic Jaws, which he did under the psuedonym Steven Spielberg. It made 600 bajillion dollars at the box office. After Jaws, he took time off to enjoy his newfound success. He would return to by co-writing the 1981 Bruce Campbell biopic "The Evil Dead," mainly because he was the only person who witnessed the events.
In 1985, he created a huge controversy by sabotaging the set of "Jaws 2: Swing-Daddy Crack Piper." His reasoning for this was simply, "the movie, it gonna sucketh. BIG TIME!"