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Note: Captain Jack will get you high tonight.

Totally not Cap'n Crunch. He won't crunchatize you. He's way too cool for that.

Captain Jack is not to be confused with Captain Jack Sparrow or Captain Jack Harkness. Often seen in the uniform of the Luxembourgian navy, as shown on the right, Captain Jack is seen as one of the most illustrious commanders of the sub-atomic age.

[edit] Military career

Captain Jack (not to be confused with Bob Saget), started his military career as a captain, commanding a paper raft crewed by 3.14 decrepit hobos from Jersey. After a heroic mission in which Capt. jack destroyed the Bismarck by clamping the hobos to its hull and detonating them, he was promoted to command of a rubber canoe which he used to defeat the entire polish navy, which he used to build the SS Smackenheim. He now commands a fleet of around a dozen ships including, but not limited to, the submarine from the Village People, a Macintosh Performa 6800, and a seat cushion from flight 1488 service to Houston, Paris, and sometimes Armenia.

[edit] The SS Smackenheim

Captain Jack commands his fleet from his flagship, the SS Smackenheim. Crewed by 144 men and women skilled in performing all standard naval duties in perfectly synchronized motions set to militant techno broadcast from the bridge, the Smackenheim relies on massive subwoofers to repel boarders. It's main armament however is an impressive array of kitten launchers, capable of dismantling the seemingly most solidly put together of ships. While the Smackenheim has yet to be sunk, it can be repelled by a steady wave of annoying smooth jazz.

[edit] Notable Naval Battles

NOTE: I don't like you.

[edit] The Battle of Smackenheim

Before the SS Smackenheim was completely finished and named, Captain Jack's drydock facilities were attacked by the Polish male synchronized swimming team. Fighting what to most would seem impossible odds, Jack fended off all five men using only his bare hands and an 88mm AA gun.The lone remaining swimming cap was labeled to be a Smackenheim brand, so the new ship was renamed Smackenheim, primarily just to piss off the Polish swimwear company.

[edit] The Battle of Aiur Falls

Two cycles after acquiring the Smackenheim, Captain Jack lent his services in the Protoss-Terran Joint Campaign against the Zerg, culminating at Aiur Falls. The protoss pretty much just camped through the whole battle behind an impenetrable wall of photon cannons while the Terrans were summarily being pwnt by the infamous Zerg rush. Captain Jack's arrival in the Smackenheim heralded both victory for the Terrans, and the first ever successful repel of a Zerg rush.

[edit] The Norwegian Fjord incident

The only known defeat on Captain Jack's record, Jack was assigned to defend a Twinkie factory, when a B-52 erupted from a black hole, and began bombing the factory in the fjord. While Captain Jack did successfully shoot down the plane, it did, in fact, contain snakes, which got all in the Twinkie batter, reducing the shelf life from 2,000,000 years to 100 years, making the mission a failure.

[edit] World Domination

Captain Jack, like most people worthy of an article, has been observed to harbor a strong desire for world domination. To this end, the Captain signed a 40-cycle contract with Konami to be in the supposedly mind-controlling video game Dance Dance Revolution. The ploy was almost successful, however the subliminal messages hidden within the music were mistranslated, so instead of players receiving messages like "Captain Jack is our king," they received messages like "Lieutenant Steal; us is Leader. Fnoo." no further attempts at world domination have been officially documented, and it is widely speculated that the Captain has abandoned his goals of global dictatorship in favor of shelling Gilligan's Island just for fun.

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also jack harkness