“Captain Morgan could never beat my nose, even if he tried!”
“Captain Morgan gives me ED...”
“Your looking quite nice, but I cunt walk anywhere...”
Sir Henry Morgan (c. 1635 - August 25, 1688) was a mild-mannered Welsh pirate captain, freelance landscape photographer, daffodil fancier, wrist fetishist, and distiller of fine liquor. He is notorious in Caribbean history for his many wives, magnificent moustache, and for single-handedly causing the Spanish Empire to become bankrupt.
Henry Morgan was immaculately conceived by a piece of coal his mother Myfanwy carried around in her apron pocket. Born in Risca his childhood in Glamorgan (literally: "Place of Morgans") was passed happily, but as he gazed over moorland to the ships off the coast, Morgan often suspected that his father was actually a sailor.
At the age of fourteen, and already the proud owner of splendid facial hair, Morgan set off for the pirate's haven of Carmarthen to join a crew, and to hopefully find his real father or something. However, due to the universal Laws of Beard (which state that a man's superiority is directly proportional to the majesty of his facial hair), Morgan immediately became captain of his own ship, which he named the Bara Brith (literally: "Fruit Loaf").
Plunder and progeny
Captain Morgan's first great victory was a series of raids on Spanish ports in Honduras. The bountiful treasure included six cubic feet of cursed gold, fourteen excellent crystal skulls, and a novelty codpiece stolen from Queen Elizabeth I half a century earlier by her Spanish cousin Josefina. Morgan found inventive methods of murder equally gratifying as large-scale plunder, and is credited with creating the curb stomp and nude base jumping during these early raids.
Raiding Spanish cities also allowed Captian Morgan to engage in his other primary activity: procreation. The common misconception that sailors have "a woman in every port" is a corruption of a saying about Morgan, who usually had "every woman in port"; this was again due to the Laws of Beard.
After being out on the sea for a long, long time, Morgan came to the idea of starting a wrestling career. He came to this idea, by watching Andy Kaufman wrestling against all these women. Captain Morgan started out at a crappy and local promotion, called TNA. But because Morgan was kicking to much ass there, he was fired by Eric Bischoff. But Vince McMahon was there to offer him a job as an TNA Reject. Eventually he became the new WWE Undisputed Champion after beating Santina Marella for the Women's and the Diva's Championship, Triple H for the Nose Championship and Batista for the Botch King Championship: all at Wrestlemania MCXXXIV. Captain Morgan retains this title till this day, altough he was tested positive on Steroids.
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