Captain N

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“DANG, this show SUCKS!”

~ Neox on Captain N

Captain N(intendo or maybe n00biness) and a bunch of Product Placement Guys was a show about what can happen when hallucinogens are combined with video games. The young subject, Kevin Keene, was eaten by his TV and took up residence inside his Nintendo, which he kept referring to as "Videoland". While in Videoland, he met the Product Placement Guys and the beautiful Princess Lana, who was Princess of his Nintendo despite never having been in any video games whatsoever. It's been theorized that she was in fact just hot filler.

The Product Placement Guys formed an invaluable team when it came to protecting Nintendoland from itself. There was Simon Belmont, from the "Castlevania" games; instead of being totally cool, however, he just ended up being a stupid, arrogant jerk. Next, there was Mega Man, from the "Mega Man" games; he was totally mutilated and sounded like he had throat cancer or something. Then came Kid Icarus, from a game most people probably don't know about (also called "Kid Icarus"); he was probably not supposed to be two feet tall and sound like a guy from Brooklyn with laryngitis, but whatever. Last but not least was Kirby the Pink Cloud-thing, who would've been on the Product Placement Team had he not eaten himself up in a tragic, tragic accident.

Occasionally, Link and Zelda, from the classic NES versions of "Link" and "Zelda", would pop in and make an appearance, claiming to be friends of Princess Lana's. Link would always try to get some from Zelda, but he was always unsuccessful.

At any rate, the Product Placement Guys didn't hang around Princess Lana's huge golden palace for nothing. No, they were there to fight the good fight, save Videoworld, and show themselves off to children and convince them to buy their games. How did they do this? By fighting well-known video game villains, of course. The cadre of Nintendotown villains was headed by none other than the Mother Brain, from the "Metroid" games. She (yes, it was a "she", despite the fact that she sounded like James Brown) was a large brain-in-a-bottle with lots of tentacles--so many tentacles that if this cartoon had been Japanese, it would've been a hentai.

Mother Brain had her minions, who consisted of the Eggplant Wizard (from that freakin' Kid Icarus game) and King Hippo, from "Punch-Out", who was now sky blue. Sometimes she would also team up with Doctor Wily or Ganon, but not usually. Count Dracula would also make appearances, but all he managed to do was make Simon Belmont look like an even bigger tool. Anyway, Mother Brain's minions brought the concept of "incompetence" down to a new low. Usually they were supposed to kidnap Princess Lana and/or kill Captain N but succeeded in doing neither.

Now where is Samus Aran, you might ask, as the villain from her game is the main villain for the TV show? Although she shows up in the Captain N comic books, the sexist pigs at DiC must've decided that she wasn't good enough for the TV show since she'd probably actually be fighting and not standing around in a revealing outfit looking like eye candy. Oh, well; she probably would've ended up getting mutilated anyway, becoming three feet tall and fat, with throat cancer and a beard.

And where is Mario? We will never know.

[edit] Related Links

The Captain N Network
Wikipedia's Version
The Ultimate Warp Zone
The Unofficial Captain N Homepage

[edit] See Also

Nintendo
Product Placement
Drugs

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