Captain Qwark

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Captain Qwark is a galactic superhero who attempted to rule the galaxy from 1977-82. Even though this was during the same period that The Jam were together, it seemed that they had a much bigger effect on England than Qwark ever did.

Captain Qwark
[[File:[[Captainqwark.jpg]]|200px|Captain Qwark]]
Date of birth: 1944
Place of birth: Canada
Nationality: Canadian
Occupation Hero
Religion Scientologist

Early Life[edit]

Born to Jim Carrey and you during the Great Depression, he was later educated at a generic high school where he met many goths and The Beatles. After graduating at the tender age of 32, Qwark began a career that would propel him sky-high to the reaches of galactic stardom, and also one that would bring him crashing down to the fiery pits of Heck, where Satan would usually play with him using methods otherwise known as bondage.

1977 - 1978 (The Drek Years)[edit]

After many attempts to buy a Mudkip from a pet store (with many epic fails included), Qwark first teamed up with Chairman Drek to apparently cause havoc all over the galaxy and destroy many planets. However, due to time constraints and money, this task was later left to Björk.

1978 - 80 (The Bogon Galaxy Era)[edit]

Qwark is later on revealed raping Abercrombie Fizzwidget in the supply cupboard, making him the main antagonist. He then tries to frame Ratchet and Clank for Butters Stotch's release. After Ratchet defeats Butters and the real Fizzwidget is released, Qwark is sent to test various gadgets for MegaCorp such as the Crotchitizer, which he, disturbingly, acquires a liking for. He bought one the next day and took it back a secret base to use undisturbed with his man porn.

1980 - 81 (Back to the Q-Force)[edit]

Qwark goes (even more) insane and starts to live as a tribal chief on in the Florana Jungle with a colony of one eyed monkeys, but when the galaxy mysteriously comes under attack from Lemmings from space, it becomes Ratchet's job to find him. After he revisits his secret base with his old belongings, his memory is jogged and he regains his (irrelative) insanity. After tracking him down to his secret hideout, Ratchet berates him for his cowardice and love of man porn ("You're pathetic, Qwark! I can't believe I used to look up to you! And what is with your liking of men fucking each other?") and walks off, but Clank merely tells Qwark "This is your chance to redeem yourself. You can be the hero you always wanted to be. And I have friends in a rehabilitation class for gays". He later joined Ratchet in the boxing ring against Dr. Nefarious and his Bisexualerator, which is piloted by a giant Mongoose.


Qwark's first apparent death was in a firefight with Ratchet and Clank on a space station founded by Karl Stefanovic, but he had really fled into his secret base to watch gay porn.