Captain Raccoon

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Captain Raccoon is least known superheroes the world has ever seen (this is NOT his superpower). Captain Raccoon is the protector of raccoons all over the world and lord protector of the Republic of Ireland. His superpower is the divine ability to scavange decent food and he is also able to give people rabies by merely looking at them.

How Did Captain Raccoon Become a "Superhero"?[edit]

As a small raccoon a raccoon called Raccoon was an average raccoon. Raccoon lead a normal scavenging life until, while snooping through a garbage can a bandanna got caught over his head. The bandanna had the letter C on the middle. Other raccoons for some reason assumed that the C stood for captain so Raccoon turned into Captain Raccoon. Shortly after this Captain Raccoon discovered he had the abilities to find good food and to give people rabies by looking at them. Other Raccoons took these "abilities" as a sign of greatness so believed he was a superhero, a savior of raccoons.

A rare photo of Captain Raccoon. The photographer contracted rabies for this photo.

This was only the beginning of Captain Raccoon's life of superheroness as he was destined to do great things... I think. Captain Raccoon decided to be an active superhero by actually doing something and by having an arch nemesis. Captain Raccoon thought of the perfect nemesis... then he remembered Lex Luther was the nemesis of superman so he came up with a nemesis that will have to do - the Extermination Man. The Extermination Man is the enemy of every small critter in the world so Captain Raccoon wanted to kill him! (or at least give him rabies).

On an average night when nothing seemed out of the ordinary, nothing was out of the ordinary this was not an eventful night. On another night there were many more events that took place and it all began with Captain Raccoon hassling an old lady. That old lady then called the Extermination Man who arrived very quickly to deal with the pesky little critter. As the Extermination Man got out of his van, Captain Raccoon watched and readied his rabies-ray. The Extermination Man ran at Captain Raccoon to seize him but Captain Raccoon jumped out of the way and stared into the eyes of the Extermination Man. The Extermination Man screamed in agony as he turned into a fat, stupid man with a dream of success which is not actually possible. This act of bravery caused Captain Raccoon to become extremely popular amongst critters which launched him into the catalouge of Superheroes.

What are Captain Raccoon's Superpowers?[edit]

As I have said previously, his superpowers are the abilities to scavenge good food and to give people rabies by looking at them. His first superpower, finding good food might not actually be a superpower; he might just be good at eating crappy garbage. As for his second power, that is real. Captain Raccoon can actually give people rabies by looking at them. Rabies isn't that common in the world... at least it wasn't until Captain Raccoon appeared. Within five days of Captain Raccoon appearing in Noocar City, 3,000 people got rabies. Many of the victims claimed they had saw a bandanna wearing raccoon shortly before contracting the rabies.

What is this "Rabies" Thing he has?[edit]

Rabies is a disease or a virus or something in that area... it might be... no no... yeah I'm sure its a disease... or a virus. Anyway, rabies causes people to become delusional, stupid and fat. Although, thinking of these symptoms it could really be any modern American person. Normally, raccoons have to scratch or bite people to give them rabies which means they have to go within a foot of people which then brings up the risk of them being hit or killed or eaten. Captain Raccoon does not have to risk any danger because he can give people rabies (or as it is now being called Americanism) at a distance.

Is Anybody in Danger[edit]

Absolutely everybody (especially YOU!) is in danger. Captain Raccoon is extremely dangerous because he can give people rabies. Anybody who does not want rabies is in danger because he will give it to those people. There are occasionally random gay people who want the disease for some unknown reason but these people will not be given rabies by Captain Raccoon, instead he will simply kill these weird, random gay people. Unfortunately Captain Raccoon cannot easily tell which people want rabies so occasionally he kills people who are not random, weird or gay.

Are There any "Others" Like Captain Raccoon?[edit]

There are no raccoons who are superheroes like Captain Raccoon but there are other "special" raccoons. These are:

Crackoon - This is a raccoon which is addicted to crack. These raccoons normally live in the apartments of human crackheads.

Smackoon - These raccoons live in the apartments of human smackheads and have small holes going up each of heir arms.

Tycoon - These raccoons are rich from some sort of company. Many of these model themselves on the Monopoly man.

Rockoon - These raccoons are raccoons which like wrestling (a lot) and particularly liked the Rock so they pretend to be him.

Cripcoon - These raccoons are crippled.

Randycoon - These raccoons are incredibly horny and will try to have sex with anything. These raccoons turned rabies into an STD.

Nerdcoon - These raccoons often try to steel peoples glasses and braces to look the part.

G-coonit - This is a collection of gangsta raccoons like the Cooncoons.

Roadkill - This one is self explanatory.

Scotcoon - These raccoons talk with a Scottish accent and often wear skirts.

Silcoon - These are half caterpillar, half racoon, and all evil. You can find them while walking around the forest on your way to the next Pokemon center. If this happens to you, it may be deadly. The best thing to do is to remove your Pokemon game and smash it with a hammer, so that Silcoon can't spread it's evilness.

Flycoon - These claim to be able to fly; it is unknown whether or not they can because they refuse to demonstrate this.

Cutecoon - These raccoons are Cute.

Killcoon - These raccoons never take shit off no-one and will kill everything in it's path (like Picard).

Zombicoon - These raccoons are after your BRRRAAAAAIIINNNSSS. Possibly related to Nazi Zombies or Captain Oblivous.



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