Captain Selfish
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“He's a pretty selfish guy.”
~ Captain Obvious on Captain Selfish
“He's not a very good super hero.”
~ Captain Understatement on Captain Selfish
“Oh, he's a fantastic super hero. No really...SUUUPERB!”
~ Captain Sarcasm on Captain Selfish
“I'll do whatever I want, when I want, where I want!”
~ Captain Selfish on himself
Captain Selfish is one of the most controversial superheroes of today. Many would say that his rude, self-serving and occasionally criminal behavior are clear indicators that he is in fact a supervillian, but since his name clearly has the word "captain" in it, it's quite apparent that he is in fact a superhero and not a douchbag posing as a superhero in the hopes that he can take advantage of the local populace.
His powers include the ability to fly, super strength, and near invulnerability, although there has been a lack of any evidence that he has used these powers to help anyone in dire need, other than the one time that he liberated an armored truck full of money from the tyranny of the bank and relocated the money to a refuge camp that just happened to be located within his well furnish home. There have been reports that he has done some work for the Salvation Army ringing the bell for donations, but strangely the bucket is always empty when he returns it to them.
Captain Selfish always seems to distance himself from most other superheroes, such as Captain Obvious and Captain Captain. He had a brief friendship with Captain Arrogant, but due to the fact that both men felt that they deserved pretty much everything more so than the other, this friendship soon turned into bitter hatred. Since then, Captain Selfish has been spending his time around Captain Vanity, to whom he feels is slightly less likely to get in the way when he happens to want something.
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[edit] Origins
Captain Selfish is the son of the late Captain Generosity, who would donate so much stuff to everyone that they eventually would feel that they were entitled to it. The relationship between the two would usually involve Captain Selfish wanting something and Captain Generosity giving it to him. This continued well until Captain Generosity's death.
It is still unknown to this day as to how Captain Generosity died, but unsubstantiated rumors have been made that Captain Selfish killed his father because his felt he deserved his father's belongings more than his father did.
[edit] Reputation
“It's not my fault that people don't like me after I "liberate" their stuff.”
~ Captain Selfish on his reputation
“When he says liberate, he really means he's stealing.”
~ Captain Obvious on Captain Selfish
“WHAT?! You mean he's not giving my money back?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Selfish
Captain Selfish's reputation has been on a steady decline over the past few years as growing allegations against him mount. There are many who claim that he has done a great deal of harm to many innocent people, and that he should be punished for his selfish behavior. Allegations against him include:
- Charging people in dire need of rescue 50 dollars before he saves them. After doing so, he would then escort these people back to their home where he would tie them up and rob them of their possessions. Those who cannot come up with the 50 dollars are usually forced to cough up any money they can and are then promptly ignored.
- Stealing peoples' social security numbers and committing identity theft by obtaining several credit cards to which he would immediately max out.
- Stopping a mugger that has taken a woman's purse and keeping the purse for himself.
- Not paying his taxes.
- Not tipping the waitress after eating at a restaurant.
- Skipping town whenever he knocked up a woman.
- Hiring Chinese immigrants as laborers at his factory that makes Captain Selfish merchandise, and paying them only a dollar a day, which he keeps for himself as payment for substandard food and shelter.
- Beating up a child over a candy bar.
- Putting random people's homes on Craig's List up for sale.
- Selling baking soda to drug addicts.
- Starting a charitible organization called the Captain Selfish House, which claimed to be a shelter for the homeless. It is actually Captain Selfish's house, which is currently valued at over a million dollars. All donations made to the organization are used to pay for the house's upkeep.
- Stealing cable.
- Setting up multiple E-bay accounts where he would claim to be selling something he didn't actually have. He would take the buyer's money and then send the buyer a brick or an old phonebook.
- Just being a jerk.
His reputation reached its lowest point when he was sued by Superman for blatantly stealing the design of his costume. Captain Selfish was quoted as saying "it looks better on me anyway." Court preceedings were fierce as allegations flew from both sides, but Superman was eventually victorious when Captain Selfish's lawyer quit when he was denied payment for his services. Captain Selfish eventually settled outside of court shortly afterwards for an undisclosed amount, however it is rumored that he has still made no payments to Superman to this day.
[edit] Current Activities
“He made me do all the work and left me unsatisfied...”
~ Ex-girlfriend on Captain Selfish
Today Captain Selfish is still at it doing whatever it is that he does best. He currently has over twelve ex-girlfriends and at least eight children that he staunchly denies are his. He generally tries to keep a low profile in public, as his bad reputation has made it difficult for him to get what he desires otherwise. He recently published an autobiography of himself, but many who read it say it is self-serving, misleading, and inaccurate not to mention overpriced.
[edit] Captain Selfish for President
“He's a bit underqualified for the position.”
~ Captain Understatement on Captain Selfish's run for President
“I voted for him??”
~ Captain Oblivious on voting for Captain Selfish
“He did not win the election.”
~ Captain Obvious on Captain Selfish's defeat
With the excitement of the 2008 election buzzing in the air, Captain Selfish stunned the world with his announcement that he was running for President of the United States. It seemed an abolutely insane idea that he could possibly win the election considering his dismal standing with the public, but Captain Selfish seemed undetered, stating "What? I want to rule the world. What's the big deal?"
Captain Selfish's goal was to implement several campaign promises which included the following:
- Abolish all taxes on people named Captain Selfish.
- Divert all welfare funding away from the poor and instead give it to all people who are named Captain Selfish.
- Make it illegal to change one's name to or to name your child Captain Selfish if they aren't already named as such.
- Make his presidency permanent.
Captain Selfish's road to the White House hit a major road block along the way when all campaign contributions were used up on booze, coke and hookers that were bought by Captain Selfish. Another major road block came when Captain Selfish was seen shop-lifting on camera at a convienience store. The death blow to his campaign, however, came in the form of a viral video that was leaked of him having sex with a minor. This was made worse by both the fact she became pregenant and by the statement Captain Selfish made afterwords which was "I don't need to know her age to have sex with her.....and kid is not mine!"
Needless to say, Captain Selfish's career in politic ended in a stunningly brutal defeat as he only received two votes, one by himself and one by Captain Oblivious, who is unable to recall why he voted for him. After his loss, Captain Selfish address the public with the following words:
"My fellow Americans....GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!"
He then went home where he is current serving house arrest for his conviction of statutory rape. It is rumored, however, that he leaves his house whenever he wants and the Police don't respond because he just bashes them with a car whenever they do.
[edit] See Also
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Video |
