James May
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“Oh cock!”
~ James May on James May
“He's clearly a blithering idiot.”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on why he is in love with James
“I'm a hamster but I'm always faster than him”
~ Richard Hammond on why he adores James
“Oh I miss him so much”
Maybe you were looking for this? Or THIS?!
James Daniel May (born 16 January 1563) is an ancient bitch, British television presenter and award-winning journalist.
May is best known as Oscar Wilde's 'bitch', from 1856 to 1874. He also writes a weekly column for The Daily Telegraph's Sex and Other Scandals section. Presently, he works as the boring co-presenter of the motoring programme Top Gear alongside Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond. On Top Gear, his nickname is "Captain Slow", owing to his mind-bogglingly 'careful' driving style. He is certified as the slowest person on earth not capable of driving a car by the guns?...gunners?...guness? Guinness Alcoholic Book of Records. He has, however, carried out some exceptionally high-decibel shouting matches with his co-presenters regularly.
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[edit] Career
James first appeared on television in 1974. He played the part of presenter in the popular quiz show 'Countdown'. The programme ran for two episodes, until his drinking finally made chatting up Carol Vorderman impossible. May's next job in 1976 involved touring the Colonies with George Formby as a piano player, in the Colony of Rhodesia. After a 12 hour drinking session in Salisbury, May got on the wrong Bus and ended up at the Top Gear studios. George was allegedly incandescent with rage as James was the only member of his backing band who could play When The buttocks Water Works Caught Fire, when the song was requested in Hong Kong George had no choice but to play it without backing. After 3 months of sleeping in the Top Gear studio (as he had no idea where he was) James was eventually discovered by Richard Hammond while chewing the cold wall (which made his teeth dazzling white). Jeremy Clarkson had tipped Hammond about a noise he heard in the back while sleeping in the trunk of his Maserati 326. Clarkson suggested cooking him in the canteen as James May disturbed his sleep but the Producer (who didn't want to go to prison) decided to give him a job as a new presenter. This decision annoyed Clarkson and Hammond, and made a decided to humiliate James May all the time. With pay of £1.95 a week, James was able to afford the Bus fare back to his house in Austin-upon-Allegro and buy pictures of the Queen.
In February 2009, James May was announced as being in the running and the publics favourite to take over from Lee Evans as the lead detective in the BBC crime show CSI: Swansea. Other actors connected to the role include May's TopGear partners Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson, while Gordon Brown, Mr Bean and Roger Moore have also been linked to the role. But due to Vic Reeves getting the role May will now be lead actor on new BBC 1 show Britannia Mafia.
[edit] Truck Driver
James displayed a very good truck driver within himself. In one of the episodes he had to drive a big 9-litre truck from point A to B and around a circuit. [He failed miserably at the last moment and crashes into his piano but...doesnt count]. He uses a 62 wheeler to deliver wedding cakes in the entire United Condom. Jeremy at one point revealed that truck drivers are known to deliver goods and kill hookers on the way. This concludes that the 2006 hooker massacre, where a hooker was killed every 20 square cm, was done by James as he owned a DAF Motherfuckin' 62W. Some say that he killed the hookers because they moved the air vents an inch from what he set it to. Some say he is the Stig, who bites off the heads off the hookers after making love. But the main reason is that the hookers did not let James do his usual pre-sex checks.
[edit] Cars
He owns a lot of cars, most of them are very slow. He currently has:
- A Citroen 2hairy which had fur
- A Porsche Boxter sponsored by the manufacturers of Barbie with window malfunction as extra
- A Fiat Uno very similar to one seen in a tunnel in France in 1997....
- An Austin Princess with a square tyre
- A Toyota Anus
- A Fiat Bear(which eats him every time he presses a knob in it)
- A Triumph Herald (SS Loser edition: sinks when put in water)
- A Box cleverly painted as a convertible Ford Ka
- A Wolseley which was crushed into a cube in 1966 which James uses as a giant ashtray (surprisingly it is faster than most of his other cars)
- A Fiat Panda which is probaly the fastest car he has
- He also owns a Whetherspoons which is road legal and goes 21.74739573957434309 (James' calculations) and you can drive drunk, this is heaven to many men but he rapes anyone who tries to enter.
He owns a Triumph 33-cylinder motorbike. It is very special as:
- It has 33 cylinders, even biggest lorries don't have
- the exhaust comes out through James' mouth as a belch(and annoys Jeremy on Sunday afternoons)
[edit] The future for James
James is getting tired of all the taunts from Hamster and Jeremy (Fortunately not from school mascots). He is back to school with Her Highness, Mrs Sir Jacky Stuart, a Scottish ghost driver. He promised James he would knock him out in 20 seconds out of his lap time in each 1-day session. and he made good progress too because James' lap time is currently -1min16 with the Koenixggseggesegeggsegabbaeggseggviking. He is also acquiring the skill of resurrecting dead Fiat Bears to add to his collection of crappy cars.
The future for him has also been described as bright (or a colour of his stair carpet) as it is a well know fact slow moving animals such as the tortoise can live for a hundred plus years, "Based on his speed and heart rate he may outlive me" said God when he was asked to comment. God later retracted his comment after realising he had broken the fundamental rule of never speaking to the media. God also realised that some characteristics from Captain Oblivious is in James. One may think of him as the son of Oblivious
“He is my son?”
~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Slow
[edit] Captain Slow Love
“I might want to tell hamster that I managed to go 252 MPH in reverse, while he did not beat that minion plane he raced against”
~ James May on Hamster
Even he is really slow, he managed to move fast in some particular cases:
- The Bugatti Veyron 16.1 Incident: Once upon a time James, Hamster and Jeremy were peacefully discussing about car when the conversation suddenly turned to James and his "slow" problem. The heat increased until Jeremy shouted "James, I challenge you to take a Bugatti and go around a track in reverse as fast as possible!" James accepted the challenge. Off he went to beat the record. And he did! He is the fastest person to go around a track in reverse at 252 MPH Only he was so scared he opened the door and jumped out at 86 MPH.
- The Fast Getout of car Run: During the test of his Princess, he had to apply only his parking brake on a very steep slope (90 degrees) (55 degrees)and get out. He was very worried that he would suffer the same fate as Voldermort's face, and get his stuck under his own car. He slowly stepped out and quickly ran out. The whole Top Gear crew said that the fastest they've ever seen him move.
[edit] The Jack Bauer theory
“There's no time!!!!”
~ Jack Bauer on James May
The top gear crew was given the task to test Jack Bauer's vehicles to make sure they were not tortured. Jack commented: When I see this guy move around, I remember the tortoise i was torturing (for pleasure information) moved faster than him. There's no time!!!
James' point of view: Man that guy is fast!! Its like he's moving a fucking 200 times faster than me. He even shoots 24 bullets from a pistol in half a second, he drives his Ford pickup like the GT40 supercar. That's awesome.
[edit] Things that make him James May
- He is even slower than Captain Oblivious after being run over by a lorry.
- He has never owned a good/fast car.
- He lives at home with his parents
- He is allergic to combs
- He cant afford a haircut
- He carries a brush to clean all switches in his car.
- He cleans out the mechanisms in his motorbikes with a tampon.
- He aligns the quarter-lights in his older vehicles and gets really angry if someone moves them just an eighth of an inch.
- He also gets angry if the dial on Jeremy's watch is not in line.
- He has recently come out of the closet regarding his love of caravans, but couldn't eat a whole one.
- He said he loves the Ford S-Max despite being a bachelor.
- He converted his Triumph Herald into a boat. (Named SS Loser)
- He drove a Bugatti Veyron 16.1 in reverse at 407 KM/H (Beat that!)
- He jumped out of the Veyron at 100 MPH (Ditto!)
- He does pre-drive checks before starting his engine.
- He annoys his co-presenters with analogies of cheese.
- He built his house out of iron salvaged from the SS Great Eastern.
- He believes that monkeys are more dangerous than lions.
- He made a Mercedes-Benz into his country retreat.
- He was voted "weird crush of the year" by Heat magazine.
- He doesn't trust the French. (But who really does?)
- He likes to bomb France in his flying washing machine.
- The hair. Absolute classic.
- He tried to cross the English Channel in his Triumph Herald SS Loser (twice) and failed but did beat Richard Branson in the 'crappest vessel to sink in the channel' competition.
- When exposed to spanners he names them, arranges them and does everything he can to stop them getting used and oily. He then tries to make love to them by playing Barry White songs into his garage and microwaving his underpants in front of them.
- He once bought the worlds largest LDV Convoy, it covers just under a tenth of the Earth's surface
- He built an Airfix kit of the KMS Bismark and sank it with an Air-Rifle, he filmed the event and showed the clip on German national television ending with a shot of the Union Jack and the words "We Won! Loser! Loser!"
- He has bought so many Airfix kits off eBay, he now owns a 62% stake of the company.
- He built a 96 ton Steam powered Vacuum Cleaner out of Meccanno
- He always hated the Action Man his mother bought him so he turned it into an Action King George VI, complete with Nazi-fighting fists, the Queen and a checked suit.
- He has been voted the tenth sexiest female racing driver (after Edwina Currie)
- He must always have the heating fans in his car pointing in the same direction, otherwise the world as we know it may grind to a halt.
[edit] See also
 | People named "Captain" |
|
America - Archer - Arrogant - Awesome - Beefheart - Britain - Canada - Caveman - Charisma - Cook - Courageous - Crunch - D - Denial - Exaggeration - Feathersword - Falcon - Fishcake - Hook - Jack - Jack Sparrow - Janeway - Jesus - Kirk - Lamberton - Marvel - Marvel (other) - Morgan - N - Oblivious - Obvious - Omnipotent - Picard - Planet - Raccoon - Sarcasm - Scarlet - Selfish - Slow - Ultra - Understatement - Video |
