Captain Understatement

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"This picture does not accurately depict me"
Citizen Kane likes this article.

“I've heard it's rather large.”

“They might not always be entirely truthful.”

“This man speaks the truth and only the truth.”

~ Captain Oblivious on Captain Understatement

“Egypt has an estimated population of 77.4 million.”

~ Captain Irrelevant on Captain Understatement

Captain Understatement is a supervillain whose overall abilities - such as intelligence and manipulation skills - are generally superior than those of the average person, but quite short of superhero standards. He usually fights individuals of rather good intentions, who aim to pose a sort of threat to his virtually not benign plans to harm the Earth or the Universe. He is often accompanied by his loyal sidekick, Professor Subtle, who helps him complete his statements of neutrality. Being Captain Obvious's adversary, he generally responds to his statements by making them more politically correct and fights him on several occasions of quite large proportions, which usually result in a slight setback in his plans of damaging some entity. He sometimes reappears and re-challenges Captain Obvious after a fixed period of time, which is slightly different in each fandom.

Life[edit]

Captain Understatement was born while simultaneously causing a specific amount of inconvenience to his mother and father, to the former during the birth, and to the latter after it. Having achieved relatively few goals during his childhood, his parents feared that he could possibly be of somewhat low intelligence. However, during puberty, he enrolled in a military school against his will, a process which was not quite accompanied with the greatest amount of enthusiasm on his part, after a negligible fight with his parents concerning some rather subtle homosexual tendencies. There, he was involved in a minor nuclear incident. The majority of people would not survive be in the best shape of their lives after such an event, but by a mildly surprising stroke of luck, Captain Understatement gained his superpowers through a process still not fully understood by relatively few human biologists. After attaining his abilities, he was struck rather quickly with the generic idea of conquering the world.

Captain Understatement is also responsible for writing most of the questions in the reading comprehension section of the SAT.

Quotes[edit]

“She's kind of chubby and can be promiscuous at times.”

“I've heard it's quite small.”

“Well, this sucks!”

~ Captain Understatement on Vacuum Cleaners

“Arrrgh! That's a pun, not an understatement!”

~ Captain Obvious on The Above

“Chuck Norris jokes have been used to the point that I would agree with minor assertion that they're beginning to lose some of their humor.”

~ Captain Understatement on Chuck Norris jokes

“I have a slight habit of occasionally understating certain matters.”

“I've heard that velociraptors can be somewhat dangerous. ”

“He doesn't quite live up to his reputation.”

“I assume, from what records show, that he was not the kindest of gentlemen.”

“This page might be pushing the envelope for the number of quotes suitable for an Uncyclopedia article”

~ Captain Understatement on this page having far too many quotes

“Twilight was absolutely terrible.”

“That took a while”

~ Captain Understatement on The hundred year war

“All men think about is sex”


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