“This is an article about Captain Oblivious!”
“James Madison is the shortest of all the US Presidents to date.”
“Nobody mentioned there was going to be an article about me?”
“What do you mean 'There is an article about you'?”
... Captain Oblivious is a superhero renowned for his failure to comprehend what is going on around him. He was recently declared dead (causes of death: Heinrich Himmler, and Math). He also had several other superpowers, including flight and a raygun, but he rarely uses them because he usually doesn't know they exist. He once had a sidekick, Mr Perceptive, but he quit, partly because he got bored of doing everything himself as Captain Oblivious did not know that there was an enemy there, and that Captain Oblivious wasn't aware that he had a sidekick in the first place. One of the Obious twins, the other being Captain Obvious, Captain Oblivious has gained himself fame, but he never realised and he probably never will.
Experts are extremely unsure about the origin of Captain Oblivious. When interviewed about this, as all superheroes are, he was found to be unsure of this himself, and only after hours of Interview -- they had to repeatedly explain to him that an interview was taking place -- did they learn nothing. Captain Speculation thinks he may have come from space, or maybe Sarah Palin's own mind, but he said those are only "maybe's".
“Here are the contents.”
Don't Be Oblivious and Do the Obvious by Confusing Captain Oblivious with Captain Obvious
Captain Oblivious is not to be confused with Captain Obvious, who may or may not be his twin brother, as Captain Oblivious mentions in page 1 of his 2 page autobiography:
“Captain Obvious says we're related, and he seems to know a lot about our mutual childhood. Why, I don't know.”
Captain Obvious verified this in his own autobiography where in page 2 he writes:
“He doesn't know I am a superhero. He probably doesn't know he is a superhero himself.”
The Oblivious Offspring
“I have a son?”
“What I really miss about my childhood is going fishing with my father without a rod. Or a boat. Or my father.”
Captain Oblivious has two sons, neither of whom he remembers procreating. Naturally the identity of The Riddler's mother escapes Captain Oblivious, as does the whereabouts of his beloved son. Captain Oblivious also remains oblivious of the fact that The Riddler had a career as an arch-enemy of Batman. Eventually The Riddler got fired because he wore too stupid a costume, and nowadays he is pestering his poor father by sending him riddles such as "Guess whose son am I".
The Second is James May, for some reason. It says so on his page, for some other reason.
It is also rumored that Captain Oblivious has another son, namely Conan O'Blivious.
Education and Work History
Captain Oblivious is a freelance superhero constantly moving between superhero groups. He usually winds up kicked out after no longer than six months due to his unique condition, which is best described in his own words:
“People get really annoyed at me for some reason. I... wait a second, is today Tuesday? Was I supposed to be saving Earth today? Where am I? What is this stuff?”
He first rose through the ranks of Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters to join the X-Men. He also possesses several superpowers, including flight, although he is often seen taking a taxi for an unknown reason. His special ability is to forget his own name.
“I forget my name? When?”
“All the time.”
He was first brought into to the X-Men because otherwise he'd still be wandering around Xavier's mansion. Prof. X recommended they give him something to do.
He was later expelled from the X-Men due to his numerous bouts of obliviousness. The final straw came when Magneto crumpled the X-Men's headquarters with his mind after Captain Oblivious told him where it was.
“Was that a secret? I thought it was pretty well-known. I mean, otherwise he could have done that at any time, right?”
After he was kicked out of the X-Men, he went on to do some solo stuff, until he met his sidekick, Mr Perceptive. A year later, Mr Perceptive quit because he got annoyed that Captain Oblivious was not doing any work.
“You said that at the top.”
“I had a sidekick?”
January 18th, 2003, Captain Oblivious was arrested with over 50 kilograms of narcotics in his possession, and was charged with possesion with intent to sell. He pleaded not guilty under advice from counsel, but the verdict was quickly reached, by way of this exchange, provided by the stenographer:
- Judge Reinhold - Captain Oblivious, do you understand the charges against you?
- Captain Oblivious - No.
- JR - You are being charged with possession with intent to sell.
- CO - Possession of what?
- JR - Illegal narcotics.
- CO - What makes them illegal?
- JR - (amazed by stupidity) By definition. Now do you understand the charges?
- CO - What charges?
- JR - (pause, look of disbelief) Possession of illegal narcotics with intent to sell.
- CO - Not guilty, your honor.
- JR - By way of?
- CO - (confused pause)
- JR - Why are you pleading not guilty? The police found over 50 kilograms of narcotics.
- CO - Well, unless I've missed something in the facts, which I don't think I have, I never intended to sell it.
- JR - (angered) Are you fucking retarded?
- CO - Who?
- JR - YOU!!!
- CO - You?
- JR - Holy Shit!
- CO - Shit is holy?
- JR - Jesus Christ
- CO - Jesus is here?
- JR - NO!
- Jesus - Yes, I am.
- CO - Who are you?
- J - (whispers to himself) Nice job with this one, dad!
- JR - GUILTY!
- CO - Who's guilty?
- JR - DAMMIT!
Other Quotes on Record from Captain Oblivious
“If you read the quotes on this page to your friends nonstop, they will laugh.”
“Is this quote in the right section?”
“Yes, sure is”
“My life sucks!”
“Man, I love trolls”
“Mmmmm... oven chips”
“But I pee with that thing!”
“Really?! Since when?”
“They don't taste of butter?!”
“I DON'T CARE!!”
“Elton John is gay?!”
“I don't remember my house being this small. Oh well”
“This red button?”
“I bet that thing works!”
“I bet that thing works!”
“That quote was said twice”
“Wall? What wall?”
“Nobody cares about that”
“CAPS LOCK ISN'T ANNOYING!”
“Wait! The President's half White? He looks black to me!”
“Barack Obama is the president?”
“I don't remember agreeing to this”
“When I sit down, it makes a noise?”
“... I'm blind!!!”
“There's going to be a quote below this?”
“Wow, I swear I didn't see that coming”
“Seriously? Fish swim ALL THE TIME?”
“Huh? Since when is Captain Obvious mentioned more on Uncyclopedia than me?”
“Who's Chuck Norris? I could probably take 'em. sounds like a pussy”
“In any given right-angled triangle, the square of the longest side is equal to the sum of the squares of the remaining two sides”
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