Cardinal Jesse Ventura

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“What? Jesse Ventura? Yeah, I've screwed him too.”

~ Jesus Christ on Jesse Ventura

“Daddy?”

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger on Jesse Ventura

“Brother?”

~ Ace Ventura on Jesse Ventura

“It's no conspiracy, he works for me”

~ Osama Bin-Laden on Jesse Ventura and his conspiracies

“Even I think he's out of his mind”

~ Tom Cruise on Jesse Ventura

Jesse Ventura was known as a professional wrestler for a good while, until he became very sick with blood clots in his lungs.

Jesse Ventura was the original host of what many now know as Mr Rogers Neighborhood (originally called Mr.Ventura's Neighborhood of Pain)But during his pilot season he snapped the hands of the puppeteers when he had flash backs. And at the end of each show he would take and eat a puppy and tell kids if they didn't stay out of trouble this is what would happen. The politicians in Minnesota saw his new style of thinking and decided to offer him the job of Minnesotan Destroyer God (Same as a governor for the rest of the US).

Before he was a wrestler he was a Seal for the Navy and learned to perform many tricks, which he was able to use in wrestling. His doctor told him to quit wrestling, so instead he became an announcer alongside Gorilla Monsoon who went on to find more fame with the Griller Monsoon which revolutionised the way the world cooked food.

As a Wrestler he was known as Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Yet as he stopped wrestling, he started thinking and his brain, which was the size of a peanut grew into the size of a soccer ball and he was then known as Jesse "The Mind" Ventura. He soon gave up wrestling to go into Politics.

He ran for governor of Minnesota under the reform party ticket and won after he body slammed the other two canidates in a wrestling ring, which was held instead of a debate. He decided not to run for re-election and took some time off.

He found God and God had cured Jesse of the blood clots in his lungs, so that he was able to compete in the UCW with dreams of one day becoming Pope of the Ring. Pope Classy Freddie Blassie has appointed him as a Cardinal because he was not a pencil necked geek, and then later Pope Blassie had died, and the new Pope of the Ring had to be crowned.

Conspiracies That Jesse Ventura Is Trying To Prove[edit]

  • 9/11 is an Inside Job.
  • 2012 will kill us all, except for the government.
  • Global Warming is a myth.
  • UFO's want to take over the world.
  • President Obama is not black.
  • Soylent Green is people.
  • Christopher Walken is a cyborg.
  • The Tooth Fairy is real.
  • Babies come from the stork.
  • The holocaust never happened.
  • All history up to this point never happened.
  • Bill Cosby is made of Jell-O.
  • Son of the Mask was a good movie.
  • A women married Bigfoot.
  • Elvis is still alive.
  • Mr. Bean has nuclear weapons.
  • Levitation comes from farting.
  • Avatar was based on a true story.
  • Keith Olberman pisses underneath his desk.
  • "I Can't Believe Its Not Butter" is butter


Cardinal Ventura proudly displays a cigar that he wrestled from the mouth of this fish which he prayed for the Lord to send unto him.