Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories

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Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories
GTA San Andreas Stories.png
For such a shitty game, it DOES have nice box art.
Developer Rockstar
Release Date 2009
Genre Free-Form
Platforms Sony Playstation Portable
Rating R 18+
Would Barack Obama play it? No, he/she/it would devour it

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas Stories is a money grabbing follow-up to the hit-game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. You play a former cop turned-criminal who lives in Los Santos. Being on the PSP, many expected San Andreas Stories to be a fucked-up game considering the limitations of the PSP. They were right, because San Andreas Stories has these limitations:

  • No helicopters, boats or planes (no motorbikes either, but there are "toy" bikes).
  • No doing drive-bys in cars.
  • No girlfriends to go on a date with (Rockstar try to use "the main character is gay" excuse, but they could have just had boyfriends to date).
  • No sex minigames like Hot Coffee. (Too bad Rockstar removed this because it was so erotic).
  • Las Venturas is just a bunch of ruins (obviously the casinos are still there).
  • That big-ass mountain (Mount Chiliad) that was in the original game is gone (Rockstar Games say that Mount Chiliad is still being naturally formed during the game's timeline: 2 years before the original San Andreas).
  • No dancing, barber shops, recruitable homies, Car Customization, fastfood restaurants or lowriding.
  • No wardrobe character customisation, just 5 cool outfits including a Chicken Suit!
  • The countryside is gone, look at the limitation about how the big ass Mount Chiliad is not in the game to understand why.
  • No swimming underwater.
  • The airports are gone! (Rockstar Games said they are all being re-constructed throughout the game's timeline: 2 years before the original San Andreas).

Despite all these limitations, San Andreas Stories does have a fuckload of missions to do. This may be one of the reasons GTA: SAS is the best-selling PSP game out, plus one of the best-selling games ever. You would suppose that those loyal GTA fanboys make up most of these sales, and I was one of them, god help me :(

Characters[edit]

Officer Dick: The main character of San Andreas Stories, he used to be a cop until he found out one day that Officer Tenpenny from the previous game was corrupt, he tried to tell his fellow officers but they weren't buying it. At the beginning of the game Dick must escape from Tenpenny's minions on a BMX bike.

CJ (Carl Johnson): Sorry folks, at this game's time CJ is still masturbating in Liberty City. However, he still has an annoying cameo appearance in the mission where you explore a badly-rendered Liberty City (see picture below).

In one of Sweet's missions, you briefly meet a disguised CJ, he also seems to resemble Bono.

Officer Pendlebury: Officer Dick's best friend. When Dick is thrown out of the police force Pendlebury does some investigation and discovers that Tenpenny is in fact a corrupt cop. When Dick travels to San Fierro, Pendlebury follows him there, and he and Dick start a romantic relationship. This makes Dick the first-ever gay Grand Theft Auto character that is playable. You quickly discover why Tenpenny kills this asshole at the beginning of GTA San Andreas.

Sweet (Sean Johnson): He's in this game and more fucked-up than ever-before, Dick does a few missions for him at the start of the game, but later on Sweet tries to kill Dick, and he is forced to hide in the desert (Again very same as the last game's story). At the end of the game it's discovered that The Ballas were threatening to kill Momma if Sweet didn't dipose of Dick, forcing Sweet to betray him.

Momma (CJ,Sweets and Brians mother): Momma was alive. Yeah ,wanna fight about it? Momma was fuckin' with the Ballas every day (yea she was a gang banger), Dick meets Momma while he is working for Sweet, and Momma continues helping Dick even after the Grove Street Families betray him; because she "likes his butt". This is what gets her killed in GTA: San Andreas, as the Ballas wanted Sweet to kill Dick or else they would go after Momma.

Kendl Johnson: She's not with Cesar yet, so in other words she's more of a fucked-up ho in this game than any other one, good though that you only do 5 missions for her, (WHAT!? 5 FUCKING MISSIONS!!?, you didn't even do that much in the last game!!!)

Big Smoke: That fat traitor asshole! Too bad he's for the grove in this game, Dick does missions for him but from the start of the game Smoke doesn't trust Dick. After Dick accidentally kills a Grove Street member, Smoke tells Sweet that Dick intended to do it. Dick tries to kill the fat loser but he escapes in a helicopter. (Which desperate gamers try to steal, considering that there are no helicopters or planes in this game)

Ryder: He's back, and still selling Weed. Dick is forced to help him with his crazy and stupid ideas, until Dick gets into bad feet with the Grove Street Families, and Dick has to engage in a shootout with Ryder.

Cesar: The Mexican sidekick makes a reappearance in this game. He's not with Kendl yet,. Even though Dick is working for the Groves, Cesar tries to get Dick on his gang's side, and gives him a strange phone call, and Dick does a few missions for Cesar.

The Truth: The hippy is back in this game!!! You meet him in the ruins of Las Venturas where he helps Dick escape from Tenpenny's minions who are trying to hunt him down. And from then Dick travels with The Truth across San Fierro, the desert and all the rest of San Andreas.

Zero: Dick helps Zero install his new Wiggles game on his computer.

Jizzy: The crazy pimp makes a reappearance in San Andreas Stories. Dick hates Jizzy but is forced to work for him because Jizzy knows what Tenpenny is up to, after doing many missions for Jizzy Tenpenny tries to ambush Dick and kill him, but Jizzy and Dick run to the Pimpmobile and escape from Tenpenny, picking up The Truth on the way and fleeing to the desert.

Mike Toreno: He knows all about Dick and who he was, and makes bargain deals with Dick to help him escape from Tenpenny, but as compensation Dick must do all kinds of crazy shit for Mike, such as: Flying a suicide bomber RC Plane (A gay toy plane that isn't real) into the restricted area, causing a second 9/11, sneaking into the pentagon and wasting every soldier there, starting World War Three etc.

Madd Dogg: He's in this game too, and Dick tries to help him with getting up in the ranks to be the top rapper, you eventually score his mansion. (But if you save in his mansion your game file automatically gets deleted, even worse than the previous San Andreas), at least in that one you only lost the right to play the basketball mini-game. WHAT!?! You couldn't PLAY IT EVER AGAIN!?!! Fuck you Rockstar.

Elmo: Some say this character is nothing but legend, a hack, perhaps. No one knows where he is, but if you find him, waste all of your ammo on him, please!

Oscar Wilde: Just like Elmo, only if you shoot him, he headshots you with a laser.

Bigfoot

Bonus Missions[edit]

You can sell ice-creams with a Mr. Whoopee, but they are not ice-creams, they're still weed. All the car missions from the previous game are back, such as:

  • Cop Missions
  • Taxi Missions
  • Firetruck Missions
  • Ambulance Missions

Plus some new ones:

  • Donut Van Missions
  • Mexican Food Van Missions
  • Prom Limo Missions
  • Kebab Van Missions
  • Hippie Bus Missions
  • Hobo Taxi Missions
  • Fish Van Missions
  • Surveillance Van Missions
  • Burglary Missions
  • Popemobile Missions
  • Bulldozer Missions
  • Milk Truck Missions (Although It's not milk, its Semen)
  • Hotdog Van Missions

There are also some new side-missions in San Andreas Stories, such as:

  • Hard Core Missions
  • Pie Eating Missions, which you can only participate in on a Saturday between 7:00 and 15:00.
  • Pornography Photographer Missions
  • Looking at Men's Dicks Missions
  • Bringing Zombies back to Life Missions
  • Smoking Weed Missions
  • Gas Pumping Missions
  • Being Gay Missions
  • Flaming People on Fire Missions
  • Giving People the Middle Finger Missions
  • Cocaine Salesman Missions
  • Vandalizing Wikipedia Missions
  • Suicide Bomber Missions
  • Taking Bums For a Ride Missions

Controversy[edit]

A secret mini-game that had the main character killing Jack Thompson was uncovered through the game's code, many gamers rejoiced as they finally has a game where you can kill him, but when Jack found this out the game was banned until Rockstar could release a "Hot Sexy Jack Thompson Free" edition. However, many people didn't care that the mini-game was banned because they hated the lack of realism in it. As players could replay the mission over and over and Jack Thompson would be "reborn" every time the mission was played again (although some players enjoyed replaying the mission, as they could devise countless sadistic ways to kill him over and over).

In addition, the usual pussies and bitches constantly whined about the game, as this is still a Grand Theft Auto game even when it was severely dumbed down for the PSP.

Costumes[edit]

POLICE OUTFIT: You get this at the start of the game, gives Dick a strange craving for donuts.

CASUAL OUTFIT: Once Dick is kicked out of the police force, he can wear this, just black shirt and blue jeans.

GROVE STREET FAMILIES OUTFIT: Unlocked once Dick joins the Grove Street Families, not recommended because if you wear it the Ballas and Vagos will go fucking crazy on you. Because Dick is white, wearing this costume makes Dick look more like a wannabe gangsta then Eminem is.

HIPPY OUTFIT: Flower power baby! Dick unlocks this hobo outfit once he completes the mission "Flower Power Shopping" for The Truth.

CHICKEN SUIT: The coolest outfit in the game, and everyone likes it. The game sold over 10,000,000 copies once people found out there would be a chicken suit to go to fast food restaurants in, too bad Rockstar removed all the fast food restaurants in the game.

Radio Stations[edit]

K-DST - Really lame compared to the K-DST in the original. No Tommy Smith whatsoever and the whole soundtrack is full of Elvis songs (all his bad ones too).

K-Rose - San Andreas had some decent country tracks but this sorry excuse for a radio station uses Johnny Cash songs.

Radio Los Santos - While the previous San Andreas had some awesome shit like NWA, this radio station has Eminem despite the fact that Eminem was not even known during 1990, let alone making music.

See also[edit]

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

Fucking kill

Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore