Carl Johnson

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But be a bitch! DO IT!!!

“Grove Street 4 Life homie, you down?”

~ Carl Johnson while inviting a Grove Street member to buttfucking

“No other such black man would go in deeper depths than this one.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Buttsex with Carl Johnson

“He is the king of the Grove Street Families.”

“Grove Street? Where's that?”

~ Captain Oblivious on Grove Street

“You sure you won't flip the car over and kill us all, motherfucker?”

~ Ryder on CJ's shitty driving

“Fuck you, Ryder.”

~ Carl Johnson on Ryder's remark

“He sure can kick ass, but he's got no balls of steel!”

“Who is this Carl Johnson fagola? Is he one of Roman's "friends" again?”

“I'll have two number 9's, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45's, one with cheese, and a large soda.”

~ Big Smoke while cleaning his and his homies' wallets dry at the drive-thru
Sir Carl "CJ" Johnson, shown here atop his horse bike, firing small metal missiles at the Front Yard Ballas, His Kingdom's mortal enemies.

His Excellence, Sir Carl "CJ" Johnson, King of Grove Street (1780-2006) was the first playable character in the Grand Theft Auto game series who did not make himself look cool using the accessory of white skin. He is the main protagonist and playable character in Rockstar's 2004 hit, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. A very powerful and influential member of the Grove Street Families, Carl Johnson rose the ranks from being just a buster (according to his former associate turned rival Ryder) to an O.G. (only Original Gangster). He has two brothers, Prince Sean "Sweet-not-in-a-gay-way" Johnson, and the recently deceased Brian Johnson (who did not receive monarchial status unlike his two brothers because nobody cares). Carl also has a sister, the now Queen of the Hernandez Lopez Vialpando Desperados Faggotados (AKA those Mexican greaseballs that do not exist in the game but who cares), Queen Kendl "I have such a lousy name" Johnson-Vialpando. Carl's mother is the late Beverly Johnson, who does not appear in the game.

Early Life[edit]

Before Grove Street became Carl's kingdom, he was just a busta, meaning the Grove Street's leading bitch and cocksucker. He became tired of being pushed around a few years later, and fled Los Santos and headed for Liberty City, in hopes of getting away from a busta-slash-cocksucker life and meeting a badly-rendered Nikko Bellic[O RLY?].

Post-Liberty City Life[edit]

Arrival at Los Santos[edit]

A rare photo of Officer Tenpenny. Not pictured: Massive buttrape

Carl Johnson decided to return home to Los Santos after his brother, Sweet phoned him and told him that their mother was killed by a recent Ballas drive-by and gangbang. Carl tried to rush to Los Santos as fast as he could, but the shitty planes of the 90's could not allow him to do so. He arrived late at Los Santos, and was stopped by his arch-nemesis, police Officer Frank "I'm-a-nigga-hater-and-I'm-such-a-hypocrite" Tenpenny, together with his fellow police officers, Officer Eddie "Fat fuck" Pulaski and Officer Jimmy "Stop-being-so-racist-towards-Mexicans" Hernandez.

The three officers stopped the CJ's transport, then proceeded to strip him of his clothes and money and rape him there on the street. Suddenly, Officer Pulaski thinks it would be very indecent to initiate a buttfucking on the street and decided to just molest Carl inside their police cruiser. They threw CJ inside their cop car and cruised unnecessarily into Ballas territory.

Carl then woke up in the middle of some dark Ballas backalley, his anus still sore from recent buttfucking. He stole a nearby bike and quickly pedaled back to Grove Street, running down old, helpless women as he went. He arrived at his old family home and was greeted by his fat associate, Big "Fucking-fat" Smoke. Big Smoke accompanied Carl to the graveyard, where Carl met up with Ryder, Sweet, and Kendl. They were ambushed by a bunch of Ballas on their way home, but Sweet and his undeniably cheating skills destroyed the car using only his fists and his bike (there were rumors of his connection to Chuck Norris and C'thulhu).

The Grove Street's influence and buttfucking grew until the whole Los Santos was bathed in a shade of green (because of the enormous amount of barfing from people seeing the monstrous buttsecks)[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].

Exile[edit]

Being wary of Carl's growing power, Officer Tenpenny, together with his two bitches-turned-police officers, falsely arrested Carl, kidnapped him, took him to the middle of nowhere and told him to go take a snapshot of some naked dude on top of a mountain. Carl succeeded, and Tenpenny went home happy and masturbating.

That crazy bitch.

Cesar introduced Carl to his volcanic hot-tempered cousin, Catalina Vialpando, some crazy bitch who enjoys robbing all sorts of establishments in the countryside, such as liquor stores, betting shops, gas stations, and banks. She and Carl made love one faithful night, but only once because she eventually found out that Carl was gay with the Grove Street Families.

The Truth, in his rare moment of not hallucinating.

Some old hippie called Carl on his cellphone, and introduced himself as The Truth. He invited Carl to a secluded motel down the countryside for some buttsecks, and immediately Carl knew that Tenpenny was behind this scheme. Carl went down to the motel to find that he was not fucked in the ass but merely in huge debt to The Truth, because somehow at some time he bought a shitload of weed, primarily to suppress the pains of buttfucking. Luckily, Carl took advantage of The Truth's lifetime hypnotic state and a suitcase full of fake money as payment for the weed. The Truth tells Carl to go to San Fierro and meet some new friends.

Life in San Fierro[edit]

That Guy whom Carl describes as "that mute asshole" and "that snake without a tongue".

San Fierro was quite uneventful for Carl Johnson and his friends. During his last few days in the countryside he raced Catalina and her new boyfriend, Claude Speed (whom Carl described as "that mute asshole" and "that snake without a tongue". After successfully winning the race against the couple, Carl was rewarded with a deed to an extremely shitty, abandoned garage under a construction site in San Fierro.

Woozie before being blind.

Carl went to a nearby Chinese restaurant and met a Triad lord named Wu "I have an American Accent" Zi Mu or simply Woozie to Carl. Carl eventually learns that Woozie is blind as fuck, then proceeded to rape him and pretended that he was one of the Triad boys by badly impersonating a stereotypical Chinese man's Engrish. Woozie gave up and promised Carl a lead about the Grove Street's abandonment towards Carl. Woozie pointed to a pimp in San Fierro named Jizzy.

Woozie after being blind.

Jizzy, who was aptly named not because he fires a shitload of jizz but because he swallows a shitload of jizz, was in grave need of a man-bitch to take care of his ho's. It has been known that his "ho's" were only there to make people from the outside think that he's straight[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. Later, Carl meets Jizzy's Mexican bed buddy, T-Bone Mendez, the guy with the creepy-looking gay moustache. The three went on a buttfuck orgy and later on Carl meets their gringo friend, Mike Toreno. Carl got tired of fucking Jizzy and T-Bone so he killed them. He discovers that Ryder was connected with Jizzy and then Carl chased after him. Carl questioned Ryder why he was left out by the Grove Street boys, and Ryder admitted that he had gone heterosexual and betrayed the Grove Street ways. He was then killed brutally by Carl in unimaginable manners.

Carl looked for Mike Toreno but found out later that he was fleeing San Fierro via helicopter. Carl went after Mike in a superbike and using a rocket launcher, he blew the chopper up and killed Mike.

In the desert[edit]

How Mike Toreno probably escaped the helicopter crash.

Carl quickly ran out of gay men to fuck in San Fierro and decided to move out into the nearby desert wasteland to look for cowboys. A weird rapist calls Carl on his phone and tells him to go to a ranch in the desert. Carl was reluctant, but later went anyway to the ranch for he had nothing to do. He was told to drive a monster truck across the canyons and steal a tanker truck. It turns out that the weird rapist was Mike Toreno, who survived the ordeal of being in a crashed helicopter. Mike Toreno turns out to be some weird government agent who was spying upon OGs, and turned Carl into his bitch in exchange for not being on the US Government's most wanted list.

Mike taught Carl how to fly a plane, for he believes that flying will be highly unnecessary for Carl and it's fun doing it for the lulz. Meanwhile, The Truth contacts Carl again, this time to ask him to drive by the nearest Military Base and steal their top secret jetpack prototype. Carl hands over the jetpack to The Truth who thinks he can reach the moon using the said contraption.

Life in Las Venturas[edit]

Ken Rosenberg before.
Ken Rosenberg after.

Woozie contacts Carl, and tells him that he has acquired a casino in Las Venturas, but was heavily muscled in by the friendly neighborhood Italian mob. Woozie asked Carl to fuck up the mob's casino. Inside the casino on an infiltration mission, Carl meets Ken Rosenberg, Tommy Vercetti's ex-lawyer, who thinks he was the most fucked up person in the world. Carl also meets Ken's two English associates, Kent Paul and some other British guy who can't keep his mind off masturbating. Carl finds out that even Ken is against the mob's cockgrip over the city and together they successfully topple the Italian mob away from Las Venturas, giving Carl a casino of his own.

(From left clockwise) Carl, Kent, and that other British dude after a brief threesome quickie in the middle of the desert

In the meantime, Carl meets the famous rapper in-game, Madd Dogg, about to jump off the casino roof because he bankrupted for gambling too much. Carl saves Madd Dogg and takes him to the hospital, where he treated Madd Dog by fucking him in the ass. Madd Dogg thanked Carl for the unnecessary buttfuck and was forever grateful.

Return to Los Santos[edit]

A rare photo of Madd Dogg as he was gambling in the casino.

Madd Dogg tells Carl to take back his mansion in the hills of Los Santos, since some dirty Mexicans forcibly took it from him. Carl went to Madd Dogg's mansion together with a bunch of Triad soldiers from Woozie and fucked up the Mexicans crashing inside the mansion. Carl, Cesar, Madd Dogg, Kendl, and Woozie set up base in the mansion and Carl went to the police station to pick up his brother, Sweet, from prison.

Sweet greets Carl pissed, and was in no mood for buttsex. He told his brother that they need to take back Grove Street. They grabbed a couple of Ak-47's and killed all Ballas sons a' bitches occupying Grove Street. The Grove Street Families was reestablished and a new era of buttfucking was born.

Big Smoke, before he and Carl started fucking shooting each other up the ass with cum bullets

The Grove quickly spread out throughout Los Santos. A massive buttsex riot occurred in Los Santos, which involved more than a million residents of Los Santos. Millions of people went inside other people's homes, fucked them in the ass then took their TV screens so that they could watch their gay porn at home. Carl eventually learns about Big Smoke, the other Grove Street traitor who left him when he was arrested by Officer Tenpenny. Carl cruises by Big Smoke's crib, played Grand Theft Auto (the first) with him, then killed Big Smoke by ramming a SPAS-12 semi-automatic shotgun up Big Smoke's ass and blasting a whole clip inside.

Outside, Carl and Sweet went looking for Officer Tenpenny, the man responsible for ensuing an impromptu massive buttfuck festival in Los Santos. They found Tenpenny driving a fire truck, and the Johnson brothers took a car and pursued after Tenpenny. They raced through the streets and alleyways of Los Santos, dodging gunfire and running over people too busy buttfucking to get the fuck out of the way. Finally, it turns out that Tenpenny had shitty driving skills and drove through a bridge barrier. The fire truck toppled down over 9000 feet and killed Tenpenny.

The riot stopped, and finally buttfucking was exclusive only to members of the Grove Street Families. And they lived happily ever after.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]

Relations with other people[edit]

Allies[edit]

Sweet and Ryder debating whether the chicken came first before the egg or the other way around.
  • Grove Street Families
  • Sean "Sweet" Johnson - Carl's remaining brother. He was imprisoned for a long time before Carl decided sending a lawyer to get his brother out of prison was a good idea.
  • Ryder - Carl's childhood bully and wannabe gangsta who likes to smoke weed and steal guns from everybody else who owned them. Betrayed Carl after his arrest.
  • Big Smoke - Carl's fat friend who speaks as if there was a chicken leg stuck in his throat. Enjoys chowing down his and his friends' drive-thru food as they spray bullets towards enemies trying to kill them. Also betrayed Carl after his arrest.
  • Emmet - some old retard and self-proclaimed WWII veteran who supplies extremely old and shitty antique firearms to the Grove Street Families, straight from the nearby Los Santos Museum. During the events of this time, Emmet was taking a drug called Gayajuana which he found in Costa Rica during a buttfucking cruise to The Bahamas.
  • Outside Grove Street
Kendl Johnson, seen here rubbing her money on Carl's face. Not pictured: Carl
  • Kendl Johnson - Carl's only sister. Presumably engaged to Cesar Vialpando[O RLY?]. Loves to bitch-talk to her brothers about family and values and turning a piece-of-shit garage given by some "mute asshole" into a business. Also hates construction workers who thinks she's a hooker.
Cesar Vialpando, in his everyday stance of deciding whether he loves cars more than Kendl.
  • Cesar Vialpando - some Mexican gangster whom Carl met when he went looking for his sister. It is known that Cesar loves cars and is mechanophilic. Has a strange ability of knowing when bikes carrying crack leaves and enters the road between Los Santos and San Fierro.
  • The Truth - some old hippie faggot who smokes too much weed, owns a '69 Volkswagen van painted with psychedelic patterns and a weed farm. Claims he got fucked in the anus by a tribe of african-american homosexuals. Also claims he played Chong in Cheech And Chong: Up In Smoke
  • Wu Zi Mu - better known as Woozie. A blind American-Chinese Triad gang leader who loves to race cars. Also known for effectively bitching Carl into infiltrating huge boats and luring Vietnamese gangsters without applying force.
  • Mike Toreno - some weird government spy who bitches Carl into doing espionage stuff for him. A very racist bastard[O RLY?].
  • Ken Rosenberg - Tommy Vercetti's lawyer who moved to Las Venturas to escape the shitty city of Vice City, only to find out that Las Venturas is only shittier[citation needed].

Enemies[edit]

Look at that pimp gay face man...
  • Officer Tenpenny - a Black police officer, also known to be a racist hypocrite. Too tired to do his job, he relies of Carl Johnson to do his dirty work for him in exchange for his freedom.
  • Officer Pulaski - a fat police officer who is known to hate Mexicans, including his associate, Officer Hernandez.
  • Jizzy - a homosexual pimp who bitches Carl around.
  • T-Bone Mendez - a homosexual Mexican muscle who also bitches Carl around.
  • Jack Thompson - he hates Carl Johnson, his Kingdom, and his game. There are only a few and very rare occasions of him appearing in the game, however, if you do see him, he will sue Carl. The only way to get Carl out now is to buy a new game and begin right from scratch all over again.

claude a mute who meets cj and giving him a shithole in place of a car resulting cj calling him mute asshole bALLAS known for trying to fuck cj and his friends up

Neutral[edit]

  • Zero - a nerd who spends his time toying around remote-controlled toys rather than going outside and meeting people.
  • Dwayne and Jethro - two gay guys, also mechanics, whom The Truth introduced to Carl when Carl said he needed mechanics for his garage.

What CJ is known for[edit]

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Abilities[edit]

  • The ability to swim underwater.
  • The ability to swim through jellyfish and not get hurt (black people are immune to jellyfish)
  • Shooting people in the face and making their heads asplode
  • The ability to jump down from any height and still land on the ground without dying. This has been tested on all planets of the Solar System with their respective planetary gravities, including Jupiter.
  • The ability to shoot without relying on colored arrows that appear on his enemies.
  • The ability to kill people with a fire extinguisher by showering them with water.
  • The ability to kill people with a bouquet of flowers.
  • The ability to kill people with a dildo (without ramming it up their orifices for five hours)
  • The ability to switch clothes in five seconds
  • The ability to carry as much weapons and ammo as he'd like (an ability native to all characters of the GTA saga)

he is one strong dude who can fuck up everybody who messes with this gangbanging sucker watch your back he is a pro with two shotguns and pistols the ability to ko motherfuckers with a combo attack and even be superman

abilty to fly like superman

Inabilities[edit]

  • The inability to eat at the table of a restaurant without a female companion.
  • The inability to not eat his hands.
  • The inability to keep a car that was turned-over and upside down from exploding spontaneously.
  • The inability to look at a person without giving the hint that he will kill that person. Carl just looks at those cashiers at the nearby fast-food and they shit in fear immediately. This makes ordering food awkward for Carl.

unlike other video game guys this dude aint a nigga hes the best even beter then other suckers and is capable of killing everybody even duke nukem except cant kill vercetti and uncapable of running and cant fight without trainer

Death[edit]

Carl Johnson presumably died in a fately fall in 2006, where the developers of Rockstar North abandoned support for him and shipped off the game to Steam, in response to the recent scandal of the hot coffee mod. The king died when abandonment of the developers greatly weakened him. He got engaged in a massive Ballas-Grove Street gunfire-slash-orgy, and died when over 9000 bullets hit him. He got bored of catching lead and just killed himself.

See also[edit]

Bouncywikilogo8.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Carl Johnson.
Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore