Carlow Crab

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Behold the Word of God


In the beginning, there was Carlow Crab. The peasants looked upon Carlow Crab and saw that it was good. But God looked upon Carlow Crab and hated what he had created. He spoke, and Carlow Crab became as nothing. The peasants cried out in despair.

Peasant 1: Why is the page Carlow Crab deleted?

God deigned to speak to them; with patient words he spoke.

God: Read HTBFANJS. The page itself lacked any real humor value from what I could surmise, and was just bad information on a series that fails to exist. Plus, it's your penance for making a whole bunch of worthless redirect pages. Plus, you've tried this on Wikipedia. It's not that it doesn't exist, but that it just lacks any "oomph" as a comedic piece.

The peasants begged God to reconsider his actions.

Peasant 1: I want it restored!

Peasant 2: Please restore Carlow Crab!

Peasant 3: Please restore it! It was very useful to me!

Peasant 1: Please listen to me! Please!

And God rebuked them for their selfishness, saying:

God: Me me me. Funny how it's not actually useful to US. Sorry pal, no go. I suggest you read HTBFANJS.

Peasant 1: Please! I need that page back since I have to see the episode list from the page! Is there an archive of the old page? Please! I need it! Please!

Weary of his subjects' grievances, God did issue an ultimatum.

God: One more outbust like that, young man, and you go sit in the corner! Now settle down!

But the people continued grumbling against God, saying:

Peasant 2: Please! Please! You do not know how much that page mattered to me. I'm getting sick because I am so miserable! Please! Why can't you do this for me, this once. Besides, according to Wikipedia, it was funny!

Peasant 1: Please! I'm in tears I feel so horrible. I will never bug you again if you do this one little thing for me!

Peasant 3: I don't care about you restoring it, but please show me the contents of the page! Please! I'm beggin ya'!

And God and his angels did gather in council to discuss the situation.

The Angel Gabriel: I've never seen so much whining and begging in my life, this is sorta disturbing...

The Angel Uriel: How much does he want this article back? Enough to do us a little dance? Send us money? Or naked pictures of his mum?

God: I'd be nicer, but the whining/begging is getting on my nerves, and seeing as he's done this before on Wikipedia, I don't think we need to bother with this crap. I suspect he's just goin to plaster it on to some other unsuspecting wiki/forum.

But the wickedness of Man runs deep, and the peasants of God's creation only cried their entreaties all the more vigorously.

Peasant 3: Please remake this page. Please. I beg so much of one of you, please just do this for me. Please! Please! Please restore this! I'm in tears I feel so horrible. Please! I will feel so relieved and so will some other people. Just please!

And out of pity God's angel tried to placate the peasants, but they were inconsolable.

The Angel Raphael: If you want this page online so badly, why not put it on your own webspace? (And if you don't have any, it is easy to get.)

Peasant 4: I can't remember the episode list, and I will have to pay to get a webspace! Please! I just want to see my poor little page again!

The Angel Raphael: There are many free web hosts out there. And, if all you want is access to the contents of the page rather than the page restored, you should make that clear to God (as it appears you are just asking for the page to be restored. Which maybe you are, but that probably won't work...) PS: To reiterate, this is an inappropriate place to put up something just for the sake of having it on the web, and most especially for the sake of saving it for posterity.

Peasant 1: Please show the contents of the old page! Someone, Please!

The Angel Raphael: Geez. How did you create the page in the first place? -- Someone just show him the contents and we can get on with our lack-of-lives. Nevermind, he/she/it just vandalized the article page. (Although this page is becoming almost as entertaining as the deletion log).

Even the demons of Gehenna mocked the weakness of the peasants, saying:

The Fallen Angel Belial: I ain't never seen no Carlow Crab page so I won't comment on its sugary goodness or lack thereof. But if you wrote something that's worth a steaming pile of giraffe droppings, then you can write a better version the second time around. (On the other hand, if you didn't write the original, then you shouldn't have posted it.) And if you write something you think is utter unmitigated genius, you're an idiot not to save it to your local PC anyways.

In their desperation the peasants heard not the words of angel or demon. They formed a mob and destroyed all they could reach, braying like the lowest beasts.

Peasant 4: Please don't make comments sauying you can't find it! Please only respond if you have seen Carlow Crab!

The Angel Raphael: If you had asked nicely, followed my earlier advice even a little, and not FUCKING vandalized this and the article page, then maybe you'd have had a chance. Not anymore.

God: He/she/it also made my talk page 25ish lines longer with begging. It's like having a hobo walk up to you and ask for 25 cents, one penny at a time.

The Angel Raphael: Man, I just burst out laughing at that 25 penny comment. Thanks God, you made my day. (All the more reason this should get featured, when properly formatted.)

But God yet refrained from undoing his creation Man, and the complaints of the people continued apace.

Peasant 2: Please! I beg you! I need to see my poor page again! Please! I was so happy seeing that page! So happy I want to see it again now! Please just do this for me! Please! I want to please see that page!

Peasant 1: Please don't torment me! Please, I'm sorry if I have done you wrong, but please, I have been much nicer to you than yuo have been to me! This matters much to me and you want everyone to be a happy viewer, I'm crying right now, you know, please please please!

Peasant 3: Please listen to me fast! This will all be taken care of and I will be happy if you do this! Please!

In His infinite wisdom, God assented; but the people only cried out for more.

God: I will, if you give me an e-mail address to send it to. Otherwise I'm gonna ignore you.

Peasant 3: Would there be anything else in your response besides the page!

God: Shut up. You're not helping yourself. Shut up and go home.

Peasant 1: Do you mean that that will be all that will be in the email? If you will just show me the page in an e-mail, I will be happy to do this!

The most sly of the peasants tried to beg God's angel for help; but the angel refused to circumvent God's judgment.

Peasant 5: Please put back Carlow Crab. I won't bug you at all if you decide to do this for me!

The Angel Raphael: Please don't take this to my talk page. I am not an admin, I couldn't do what you ask even if I wanted to and the pope's life depended on it. Thanks.

In those days the world was dark for all the wickedness of Man, and darker still it grew as creation fought Creator. And to dispel the darkness God sent His only Son onto the earth to lead the wicked into righteousness.

Jesus: Oh for the love of - God, email the page to [email protected] Peasant, you have a new gmail account. Email it to get the password.

And God assented, saying:

God: If he comes back, I will. Otherwise no. I'm thinking there's a good (read:evil) reason why he's doing this. I'll wait 'til tomorrow.

Peasant 3: Will the e-mail just contain the contents of my page? If so, I will tell it to you immediately!

And despite the evil of Man, God delivered him unto Salvation:

God: YES. Please don't post here again, though. It's on its way.

Salvation He gave them, but not for nothing; their choice it was to attain it or not. God warned His people of the fires of Hell that awaited them if they continued along their evil path:

God: Actually, you might have much better luck getting that up and running if you go here: [1]

And the Holy Spirit of the Lord came upon God and the angels, and it did intimate Its satisfaction:

Holy Spirit: You guys are sooo mean :-p

God: Don't YOU start with me.

The Angel Michael: I would pay good money to see this person showcased in some sort of circus freak venue. The only thing that's keeping me from laughing out loud is the disturbing thought that this person might not even be joking...

And so it was written: the parable of Carlow Crab, a warning against warring with the Almighty; so it was written, and so it shall be the Word of God for ever. Amen.



Seek ye not these false idols


The famous jazzman, Carlow Crab

Or whatever his name is.

“Hey folks here’s the story ’bout 63.19.204.168 the moocher

He was a lowercase hoocie coocher
He was the roughest toughest frail
But 63.19.204.168 typed in CAPS as big as a whale

Hidehidehidehi (hidehidehidehi)
Hodehodehodeho (hodehodehodeho)
Hedehedehedehe (hedehedehedehe)
Hidehidehideho (hidehidehideho)

He messed around with uncyclopedia
Thinking that we were free media
He tried to impress us with his slandaneous slandanity
Even though he feared the bannity.

Hidehidehidehi (hidehidehidehi)
Whoah (whoah)
Hedehedehedehe (hedehedehedehe)

A hidehidehideho (hidehidehideho)"
~ OW

The real Carlow Crab Page

No, you idiot, not Cab Calloway. Carlow Crab Page. You completely forgot about the "PAGE" part. Seriously, are you an idiot or what?

“There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is Crab

And she's buying a Page to Carlow
And when she gets there she knows if the admins are gone
With a word she can get what she came for


Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a Crab Page to Carlow

There's a sign on the Main Page but she wants to be sure
And you know sometimes Uncyclopedia has two meanings
In the tree by the brook there's an admin who bans
Sometimes all of our articles are deleted

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's buying a Carlow Page to Crab

There's a feeling I get when I look to QVFD
And my spirit is crying for deleting
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
And the craters of those who weren't funny

Woe oh oh oh oh oh
And she's crabbing a carlow to page

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune
Then the two cows will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long
And Uncyclopedia will echo with laughter

(Does anybody remember laughter?)"
~ OW