Carpal tunnel syndrome

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS; not to be confused with carpool tunnel syndrome) is a sexually transmitted disease spread by keyboards. Today, it is the number one cause of death in intarweb users under the age of 20.

While rarely fatal, the disease has been associated with great pain (and by "great pain", we mean more pain than masturbating with a cheese grater, which may also cause carpal tunnel syndrome).

The disease is extremely communicable though. In fact, while writing this article, I may develop carpal tunnel syndrome (and this goes out to wheover said Uncyclopedia wasn't a hazardous working environment).

Symptoms & Causes[edit]

Because of CTS' inability to be diagnosed and treated as quickly as other ailments of the hand, it affects more people than any other hand-related disease.

Symptoms include:

  • Vomiting
  • Pain in the hand
  • Puking
  • Numbness in the hand or fingers
  • Hurling
  • Temporary paralysis of the hand
  • Up-chucking
  • Death
  • Blowing Chunks

CTS is believed to be caused for a number of reasons. While it is common knowledge that keyboards are one of the numerous means of infecting humans, it has also been found that CTS can be transmitted from masturbation, or in medical terms, "choking the chicken".

Another cause is performing shadow puppets. Professional shadow puppeteers take careful precautions and stretch thoroughly before their performances, but even then sometimes CTS just strikes without notice.

Other various activities that involve the hand, which can range from bowling to counting, can cause CTS.

One of the best known cases of CTS is Ymnishvsky Dordrendsky, the 6 times Thumb war champion. During the second round of the 2006 world championships help in Sweeden, Norway, the Russian suffered what is now known as, "The Ymnishvsky Cramp". These extreme convulsions are now officially recognised by GMC's (General Medical Councils) Worldwide. They are generally accepted as the early symptoms of what will most likeley develop to be CTS. Recent Scientific studies also revealed that both YC's and CTS are caused by the same bacterium, Nitrospirae which, incedentley can be found in the NOS chambers of chavs' cars hence the exponential rising of CTS found in Chavs.

Treatment[edit]

There are no current treatments for CTS. In most cases, amputation is necessary. However, if one chooses, they can simply take some OTC pain relievers and avoid using their hand for a few hours. Both of these methods get rid of CTS.

In recent years, pharmaceutical companies have attempted to design a treatment for CTS, one which would provide immediate relief. However, attempts do design such a treatment were scrapped after companies realized they already had such a treatment on the market, known as "aspirin", as well as "not being a whiny little teenage girl".