Casper The Friendly Ghost

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Keep your precious Disney-animated creatures far away!

Casper began life as a baby (quite obviously). At a young age, his parents decided to send him to a typical Southern preschool, which consisted of finger painting white stick figures (which was very difficult) and beating the hell out of anyone who seemed even slightly sunburnt, for fear of minorities infiltrating the facility. Of course, Casper picked up on these racist ways and soon began to urinate on everybody who he thought was not exactly like him. This did not make him very popular with the ladies, after his parents gave him 'the talk'. One day he goose-stepped across the street without looking both ways and was hit by a Semi. At the gates of Heaven he told Jesus he looked too brown, at which point Chuck Norris, who was doing community service that day, roundhouse kicked him straight to Hell. At this point, Casper, who had grown a frightening sexual attraction to rocks, as girls were not willing to put out for him, grew bored in Hell and Satan caught him raping one of the many brimstones scattered around it, so he kicked him out. Casper began to roam the earth, burning down the houses of good little Black or Jewish children every Halloween night.

Early Life As A Ghost[edit]

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about this white legless shit.

Casper was a lonely little ghost, quite obviously, as everyone hated him. In fact, many of the rocks he had abused forced him to pay for their abortions, which cost staggering amounts seeing as the baby rock must be extracted using a jackhammer, a difficult process, that, unless done by a skilled professional, can result in the parent rock's death. So, when Casper floated past one of the many rock abortion clinics, he came across a nearby McDonalds, where he was stunned to discover that segregation was not in place. So, he continued his normal arson solution to problems by burning down the children's Play Place play area in the restaurant. Seeing children of various ethnic backgrounds playing together with Legos as if they were equal was just too much for him to handle, so he killed them all. While the restaurant was setting ablaze, the Hamburgler's robbery of, what else, hamburgers was foiled, as his sack of them began to burn. Vowing to seek revenge on this horrible crime, the Hamburgler began to give chase to Casper, donating his flaming burgers to a nearby orphanage on the way (the children received third degree burn). After cornering Casper in an alley, the Hamburgler challenged him to a Yu-Gi-Oh! card duel. How a ghost, who has the power to de-materialize and move through solid objects, can be cornered is beyond rational thinking, but he was mildly stoned at this point, so that may have contributed to this situation. The duel went as follows:

  • The Hamburgler summoned some Japanese-looking monster.
  • Casper summoned another Japanese-looking monster.
  • The Hamburgler put on his cleets, kicked Casper in the nuts, and ran.
  • Casper lost his huevos.
The Hamburgler's initial thoughts to losing his supply of hamburgers.

Life After Losing Balls[edit]

Casper spent several days in the hospital after losing his testicles. This stay consisted of therapy involving doctors dangling pornographic pictures in front of Casper and laughing at his lack of reaction. After leaving the hospital, Casper spent a few days as a pinata-for-hire to various parties. This was a mildly healthier equivalent to being emo, and slowly, after being constantly beaten, Casper decided that racism was wrong, and so was burning the letter T. One of his many pinata-hitting customers was none other than Dora the Explorer. After noticing that no candy came out of Casper when hit, she began to rapidly yell things at him in Spanish. He told her to fuck off, and after being hit several times, they decided to become lesbian lovers. Dora did not understand that Casper was male at one point, due to his annoying high pitched voice, which got even squeakier after he lost his 'nads. Their wedding consisted of taking one of the many paths that randomly lead from the front of her house. First they skipped through Bunny Meadow, then hopped through the Lollipop Forest and finally, jumped on Chocolate Mountain. After doing this, Dora stared vacantly at an imaginary audience and began to sing in Spanish. After 5 minutes of this, she began to French kiss Casper. Unfortunately, this happy marrige did not last long, as Casper found Dora raping young girls that she had brought into their own home. After telling her that this habit was not normal, and that she should stop, Dora performed the Latina Bitch Slap of Death upon Casper. The Latina Bitch Slap of Death is an incredibly powerful attack, seconded only to Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick, and can kill anything instantly, including cockroaches and the undead. Of course, Casper was once again killed.

Dora is shown here raping two young girls and a chair, as her porn-making monkey, Boots, watches.

Life after Death after Life after Death after Life[edit]

When sent again to Jesus for placement, He did not know where to place Casper once again. After much pondering, it was settled that Casper should be sent to wait in line for Star Wars: Episode 1.5 - Massacre of the Ewoks for all eternity. Between the stench of sweaty fanboys and the borderline retarded accordion player attempting to play the Star Wars theme song across the street, this punishment seems suitable for him. Of course, Casper will once again spend his time there earning money as a human pinata.

See Also[edit]