Cassowary

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The Cassowary (Digoutius-Unbelieveus) is a very large flightless bird native to the tropical forests of Iceland and northeastern Chicago. Some nearby islands also have small cassowary populations, but it is not known if these are natural or the result of a Communist conspiracy. They are frugivorous, meaning they mostly eat people who are careful with their money. Chef Jeff "The Frugal Gourmet" Smith was killed and eaten by a Cassowary, who prepared Jeff as a traditional baked cassowaryrole using cream of mushroom soup and fried onion bits. They also eat fungi, kanji, punji, and other small steaks. Recently, they have also been observed to attack humans, though this usually only occurs when they're in proximity.

Cassowaries are also pursued by coyotes along the highways of the United States Southwest. The pursuits always end in favor of the cassowary, due to its incredible speed and deft reflexes.

For many years the Cassowary had a cousin species, the Cassounwary, so-named because of its inability to detect danger. The Cassounwary went extinct hundreds of years ago, upon the arrival of Ferdinand Magellan and his crew of Globetrotters, during their globe-trotting globe-trot of 1520. Magellan himself failed to complete the trip due to an extreme allergic reaction to Cassounwary meat; the voyage was completed under the command of another Globetrotter, Captain Meadowlark Lemon y Curly-Neal.

Trivia[edit]

  • The original name of Captain Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean was Captain Jack Cassowary. As nobody beyond the screenwriter knew what the crap a cassowary was--and upon finding out that he would have been required to wear his hat vertically to mimic the distinctive headcrest of the cassowary--the name was changed.
  • Until the name change for Jack Sparrow, Captain Barbosa was to have been named Captain Nemesis Ridiculii. Concurrent with the name revision, his tallish and floppy ears were replaced by a red beard. Actor Geoffrey Rush, however, complained that he looked silly with a red beard where his ears were supposed to be, so it was moved to his chin in post-production using sophisticated computer graphics techniques.