Cat Stevens
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[edit] Cat Stevens
Cat Stevens, AKA Steven Demetre Georgiou, AKA Yusuf Islam, AKA Muhammed Jihad bin Laden al Jewkill, is a world famous pop singer, peace advocate, and terrorist mastermind. He is known for, amoung other things, his advocacy of peace, his world famous pop songs, and his terrorist genius.
[edit] Music Career
Cat Steven's music career is as long and twisted as his facial hair. Orginally, all of his songs dealt with peace; "Give peace a chance", "Peace is better than war", "Peace Train", "Peace airplane", "Peace automobile", "All I want for Christmas is peace", "You know what's cool? Peace", and, most famously "I love to love my dog".
[edit] Illness and Drunken Shenanigans
In 1968, young "Cat" fell ill with tuberculosis. During his long hospital stay, he tried many methods to relieve his horrible boredom, including masturbation, finger painting, cannibalism, philosophy, and the occational acid flashback. However, none of these did the trick, so young Cat decided to dabble in scientology and other religons. In addition, while he started eating dick, he stopped eating manly meat like lamb, beef, bison, pork, and chicken. In 1975, he tried to play a prank on his friend by pushing him into his pool full of ball sweat. Unfortunaly, he was quite intoxicated at the time and fell in himself. As his lungs began to fill with nasty, salty, testicle drippings, he looked back at his earlier bout with tuberculosis and came to the realization that God hates him. After swearing to lucifer, "Oh Lucifer! If you save me, I'll work for you." (sic), he was miraculously saved from the pool. The next day, he was really hungover (another sign of God's dislike) and decided to convert to Islam out of spite. He then changed his name to Yusuf Islam.
[edit] Islam and Terrorism
Since Islam is a religon of peace, most people thought that Steven's songs would remain focused on the same theme of peace. However, Yusuf was still pissed off about almost drowning in ball sweat, so he changed the theme of his songs. For example, his new hit songs had names such as "Drink the blood of the infidel", "You suicide bombed me in the ass last night and it was great", "It is the duty of every Muslim to stop the American and Israeli Imperialists", and "Everything bad is the Jews' fault". In 1980, he actually started to read the Qur'an, and found out that playing musical instruments is illegal, with a punishment of casteration by goat. That was pretty much the end of his music career, with the exception of various acapella benefit songs. For example, he wrote a song to benefit survivors of the 2005 christmas tsunami, "This occured because you didn't burn enough Israeli Flags", and his 9/11 benefit song "Gotcha bitches!". In 2006, Yusuf was arrested trying to enter America because of donations made to the terrorist group Hamas. When questioned, he declared that "My only regret is that a small amount of the money I gave them went towards humanitarian aid; only about 95% went towards the purchase of weapons to kill Israeli children. In 2007, Yusuf Islam was arrested in a cave in Afganistan; apparently the writer of "Peace Train" was a terrorist mastermind who was directing attacks on coalition troops
[edit] Salman Rushdie Controversy
In 1989, the author Salman Rushdie wrote a book, The Satanic Verses, which implied both that Muhammed might not have recieved all of the Qur'an from God and made up some of it himself, and that Ayatollah Khomeni has a small penis. Because of this, Khomeni declared Rushdie to be an enemy of Islam, and put a fatwa on him, saying it is the duty of all muslims to kill him. While Rushdie heard about this, he said "It's just a fucking book". When during an interview Yusuf Islam was asked about Rushdie, he responded that "It is the command of the prophet that every true muslims shall slit his throat, masturbate with the blood, and eat the testicles, but since I'm too much of a bitch to do that, I would just tell my crazy muslims friends who would kill him in the most brutal and painful way possible where he is". When the interviewer suggested that that might be a hypocritical position given his earlier committement to peace, Yusuf responded, "Dirka dirka dirka jihad muhammed!", rigged his dog with explosives, and had it suicide bomb the bewildered journalist.
