Cataclysmic fish buoyancy
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Cataclysmic fish buoyancy (or CFB) is the phrase used by biologists to describe the possibility that in the year 2035, all the fish in the world will experience a sudden and dramatic increase in buoyancy, with likely catastrophic effects. The possibility of this phenomenon was first hinted to in Gregor Mendel's 1882 essay Physical Properties of Hybridized Animals, in which he postulates that domesticated animals (such as fish raised in fisheries) would respond to hybridization by rapidly expanding, thus decreasing in density, exactly 47 generations after the initial hybridization (dogs and emus are the obvious exceptions to this rule). However, it is now clear that Mendel's understanding of the phenomenon was flawed. Biologists now believe that the phenomenon will affect all fish, not just hybrids of various domesticated fish, and only fish. The first scientist to put forth the theory in its modern form was Nobel laureate Konrad Lorenz in 1952, when he noticed that none of the domesticated geese he was studying exhibited the expected genetic and behavioral indicators that Mendel's original hypothesis suggested. At the time, many saw Lorenz's work as irresponsible, simply trying to "push off" the attention from his favored geese to a relatively unstudied class of animals (see the Sedition and Fish Research Act). However, in the past couple decades, CFB as outlined by Lorentz has come to be generally accepted by the scientific community.
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[edit] Cause
Contrary to Mendel's original hypothesis, the cause of CFB (by CIA) has nothing to do with genetics, but rather propagation of microradiation nodules. In Lorenz's day, the existence of microradation was well known in the physics research sphere, but no potential source of microradiation had as yet been identified. We now know that trace amounts of microradiation enter the Earth's atmosphere from starship shadows (projections, or "shadows", of future interstellar spacecraft onto our spacetime), but a source of microradiation large enough to account for the possibility of CFB did not exist until the Y2K problem resulted in the destruction of 37 nuclear submarines (mostly of Hawaiian design, see the Wai'anae Project).
Microradiation has an extremely long half-life in salt water, and much of the particles given off by the exploding submarines was absorbed by fish, where it formed contagious nodules. Since then, these nodules have been spreading. The spread to freshwater fish was confirmed in 2002 by United States former vice-president Al Gore, and is widely believed to have been caused by the migration of salmon. Current computer models project that the nodules will reach critical density in 2035, when CFB will occur.
[edit] Predictions about buoyancy increase
The most widely accepted mechanism suggested for buoyancy increase is not, as was originally thought, a decrease in the density of fish, but a magnetohydrodynamic increase in the density of water surrounding fish undergoing CFB. This phenomenon has been demonstrated in the laboratory using a controlled source of microradiation. According to the theory, when microradiation nodules reach critical worldwide density, they will be expelled from the gills of fish, causing the fish to buoy violently to the surface. It is estimated that some fish could be projected as much as 100 meters into the air upon reaching the surface.
An alternate explanation given is that CFCs in the ozone layer exhibit a characteristic affinity with microradiation nodules, and that the fish will experience an upward force, not by buoyancy per se, but by what has come to be termed the Heisenbreissenflemer effect, after the Swiss chemist who first suggested it. It should be noted that this affect, while appearing to be sound in theory, has never been demonstrated in the laboratory.
Another point worth noting is that there is little evidence about what will happen when the microradiation nodules in the fish come into contact with the oxygen in the air. Some have suggested that the fish may explode like grenades.
[edit] Effects
The effects of CFB could be devastating to humans and civilization:
- There is great potential for the destruction of ships, bridges, and low-flying aircraft. If the fish do indeed explode as has been suggested by some, there could be additional damage to structures in coastal areas.
- Large numbers of fish rotting on the surface of oceans and rivers will present a health risk.
- Some have suggested that floating fish will result in a "fish bridge" between Ireland and England, making England vulnerable to Irish attack.
[edit] Dissenting opinions
The dissenting opinions about CFB can be dividing into the following categories:
- Those who do not believe CFB will happen at all
- Those who believe that CFB will happen, but that it will happen much further in the future
- Those who believe that CFB will happen, but that the cause of CFB is not anthropogenic
[edit] Religious beliefs
The Cyber-Amish believe that in the end of days, God will send a plague
- of fish innumerable, burning in the sky as sulfur. And the fishfire shall rain down upon the land, destroying the wicked and their cities. -- Cyberinthians 12:32
Many believe that the fishfire referred to in Cyberinthians is CFB.
