Catman

You dare bring light to my lair? You must die!

The Catman is an immortal animal first invented by Siddhartha after he had gained enlightenment. Why Siddhartha made the worst mistake of mankind ever is unknown, but rumour has it that he was bored of playing with Govinda while being an immortal ferryman (which is probably the lamest job in the world) that pwns everyone. Anyway, the Catman was created and he somehow thought that Siddhartha was not worth his time and so he ran off. Coincidentally, he met up with Huckleberry Finn along the way (somehow they all live at the river), and attempted to use Huck as his scratching post. However, the Catman realised that Huck was already engaged to Jim (we all know that the Catman is a born loser because even Jim wanted to "sivilise" him) , who were sleeping together naked on a raft, and hence the Catman left the river to live a life of solitude...

[edit] Early Life

No one gave a shit really. We all know that as he came to the human's dimenson, he came across normal men. Being a catman, he thought himself to be superior and couldn't give a shit about anyone else (that's wrong, no one gave a shit about him to begin with, so it's just a lame excuse for being a born loser). Recently, as historians managed to unravel the history of the Catman, we all realised that he was only a fag to himself previously, while being a fag to the whole of mankind as of now. His adopted parents were killed when he was spinning and playing with his scissors, which ended up peircing thier already broken hearts when he was careless. They died with a great sign of relief.

[edit] Catman and squatting

At first he was on all fours like a cat. When he tried to stand, he unfortunately stood perpendicular to a table and his penis somehow ended up on a plate. Mistaking it to be a sausage, he took one of his scissors friends, decidd to have a little fun and so cut it and ate it up. For that, he was reduced to a life of squatting due to the immense pain of cutting off his own penis. Some people say he can still regrow his own penis since he ate it up and that energy can be converted from one form to another (since Einstein stated that energy can neither be destroyed nor created), but no one gives a shit about what the Catman does really. According to him, he squats because he believes that he will become smarter, it only goes to show that his brain is in his ass.

[edit] Catman and The Well

As the Catman went to high school, he found that he could not fit into any clique (firstly he's not human, secondly no one gives a shit about him, thirdly he's a fag). Fortunately or unfortunately, there was a sacred Well right next to him. Occassionally he'll use the Well as a scratching post, in the process defiling the Well. The sad but sacred Well can't stand being desecrated by the Catman but can't do anything, for he is just well...a Well. Being a fag, the Catman decided to keep drinking from the Well, and the Well has been living through this for 4 years. This is the worst form of punishment that anyone can ever ask for (and the Well usually wonders what he has done to deserve this). Oh well, the Well is not well after well, the well Catman who is not so well, well decided to dwell with the Well.

[edit] Catman and St Jawns

Catman during his sexcapade with the Island Dog Jaq

Catman was so dumb but still was smart enough to know how the process of osmosis works. When he knew he was dumber than the average person (having the IQ of about 0), he went to hang out with St Jawn. Due to the laws of Sainthood, St Jawn couldn't blast him with his full power as much as he wanted to. After all, one of the laws of Sainthood explicitly stated that "One will not harm a lesser breed". By the process of osmosis, intelligence moved from a higher concentration (St Jawn) to a lower concentration (Catman). Catman thus gained the ability to...stand...hence increasing his IQ from 0 to 1. As of now, St Jawn is considering quitting Sainthood in order to get away from the Catman...

Recently, St Jawn tried to use his Saint power of active transport in order to obtain more intelligence from the Catman against a concentration gradient, but all he got was scissors, naked Ghees, Bee fettishes and more hentai. This has caused St Jawn to be so shocked that he sometimes gets unexplained mind blocks, which is rather strange because Saints do not get mind blocks!

Being a smart person, St Jawn will choose to dump away all his saint powers in order to escpae the wrath of the Catman...SOMEDAY!!!

Catman as a busker in the future

[edit] Catman and Muggerbee

Over a period of time, Catman, being deprived since birth, decides to try his luck at the opposite sex.

Initially, Catman decided to use his mating action - squatting and saying "Urg" like a retarded caveman. However, it only succeeds in repelling girls.

By Darwin's law of natural selection, Catman lives in hope that his recessive allele (of being a fag) will express itself in his offspring. So, Catman decides to force himself upon the Muggerbee and her Amazonian she-man friend Brand:Er. This is proving to be a success for Catman because...well...he gets closer to his dream of producing Catman spawn one day! Hopefully he doesn't realise his dream to reproduce with anyone or himself...Can you imagine the spawn of Catman running around the planet wreaking havoc! Let's keep our fingers crossed shall we?

A cat attempting to play with a Muggerbee.

[edit] Catman and The Silent Monk

It seems as though the Catman has been using the Silent Monk as his scratching post. The Catman perceives the "Um...Um...Um..." to be orgasmic sounds made by the Silent Monk, which prompts him to get more up close and personal. Other than his Scissors, the Silent Monk has been the Catman's greatest pal up to date. Like the Scissors, the Silent Monk does not have the power to tell the Catman to fuck off, which he has already used on the rock Breeyant as he was about to be crushed underneath it.

[edit] Catman and Whiskers

The catman maintains a very unsightly facial hair, also known as whiskers on his upper lip. Adding on to the already grotesque upper lip the catman has, the whiskers give him the ability to break mirrors, thus explaining why he never felt a reason to shave. He also belives this whiskers would make him more sexually appealling to girls, little does he know is that the only person he would be kissing with those lips are desperate male hobos posing as whores on the street.

[edit] Catman and his Spasms

Though its bad to insult someone who has involuntary spasms in his body. The catman spasms for fun. His long slender fingers constantly twitch due to his inability to sit still and not scratch his balls.

[edit] Catman and Feeding-habits

The catman does not need to look, buy for forage for food. Scientist has discovered that catman is a new form of self-sustaining autotroph by eating of one's excrements. The catman takes pride in eating anything from his nose dirt, ear dirt and the yellow plague between teeth.

Hey, did you know that the Catman also gets orgasms whenever he eats Bee Hoon. Why? How about I don't give a shit!

[edit] Catman and Scissors

Catman has many scissors friends. Apparently they were his only friends since he was...a child (OH WAIT HE WAS A CHILD?!)...Anyway, he even has names for each one of them, just to name a few - scissors 1, scissors 2, scissors 3, the bee, mini me, son of ghee, etc. Yes he is very original at naming things. He had fun with Scissors 1 when he was a child and got it too close too his penis (remember the sausage?). Now his goal in life is to know how to time travel and use the scissors named THE BEE to do the job instead. This is perhaps his only chance of getting his only female scissors as close as he can...

[edit] Catman and himself

No one gives a shit about what he does with himself.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Catman.

[edit] Kitler

In the near future, there is a prophecy that the Catman will turn into Kitler. Kitler (or Hitler Cat) is known as the most evil cat that ever lived. He was an evil Austrian dictator and during his reign, over nine million Mews were killed in boncentration bamps. Kitler is allied with 3 of his 100 siblings, Fidel Catsro, Benito Pussolini and Chairman Meow. He was also the son of a lump of Ghee.

[edit] Catastrophe

Catastrophe is something which you won't want. This usually happens when the Catman starts singing and drumming with his finger to a very retarded japanese tune. He was able to make it to the finals of the China Aggregation of Communities Sovereignty Independent Idol competition, later revealed as a mistkae. When everyone hears the voice of the Catman, a catastrophe will start!

[edit] Cat Poisoning

NOOOO STOP!!! YOU HAVE JUST SEEN THE CATMAN!!!!!! You have been poisoned. In fact, Cat poisoning is what the Island of Deuteronomy suffers from. Cat poisoning is the reason why many people have been taking off days from work, especially at the Catman's workplace. In order to help, The Lump of Ghee gives many of his gheelamorous methods of curing this pandemic (like committing suicide by banging your head against the wall) but he always fails to diagnose the illness properly in the first place.

So far, only Jelly (too busy being a slave to beign with), St Jawn (recently slain), Shrawn (recently slain) and Liang Puo Puo(almost as retarded as the Catman) have not been infected yet.

So far, Cat poisoning cannot be cured. There is the old saying that "Prevention is better than cure". Soon, hunting parties will be sent out in order to contain the spread of this pandemic.

Known for their stealth and cunning.

[edit] Catman and Intelligence

As mentioned earlier, the Catman had an IQ of 1. Either way, he is smarter than his counterpart, Jelly (who is busy offering free sex and mugging...people), as he knows how the process of osmosis works (but no one actually gives a dam).

[edit] Catman and Teleportation

He is always everywhere near you, especially when you speak bad of him. Apparently this explains his ability to stalk...

[edit] Catman and Dreams

No one gives a shit about his dreams or what he dreams of at night. However, everyones' dream is that Catman will obtain the ability of spontaneous human combustion and just explode on the spot and die.

Oh wait the Catman has this dream of taking over the world and having fun with his many scissor friends.

[edit] Catman and Exams

Like his creator Siddhartha, the Catman is bound to a cyclical fate. Always before a peak to his spasticness, there is always a "calm before the storm" period. This is when he is busy using osmosis to obtain intelligence from everyone around him. After exams, the spasticness will hit it's peak as he goes around proclaiming how smart he is, while people find their intelligence levels dropping (and dropping further listening to him). The cycle will continue and continue and continue...THERE IS NO ESCAPING!!!!

Wait, there is a way out. It has been prophecised that one day the Catman will spill his pen ink all over the paper till his answers cannot be read and hence the cycle ends, returning the intelligences to their original places! Till then, you just have to live through the boring cycles unless you shoot him dead there and then (not such a good idea as the Catman has 9 lives, and thus you'll find yourself wasting all your time...).

[edit] Catman Quotes

When catman talks, he has numerous slangs that make him seem like a retarded ah beng. Words such as leh and lah permeate his speech. He also frequently greets people by saying "URG" like a retarded caveman.

"I'm catman leh, I'm catman leh, I'm catman leh"

"I like to dig my nose and eat my nose shit"

"I like to scratch my hairy balls leh"

"Aye i very good leh, aye why you so stupid leh"

"Urg"

[edit] Future Victims

Recently, the Catman has been planning more stalking projects. The Catman has been seen stalking Muggerbee and Brand:Er to the washroom. Why he does this is rather obvious - Why else will you stalk girls to a female toilet? Let's not speculate shall we. (NOTE: Since Catman has snipped off his own penis, by right he is Pes F according to the Lump of Ghee and therefore is neither male nor female and so has the liberty to choose between going to the toilets of either sex).

There seems to be a conspiriacy theory going on. Notice the similarities between Queen Vigheetoria CATherina Zeta Jones and the CATman. There seems to be a link! Somehow my gut feeling tells me that her majesty is in the Catman's sights!

[edit] See also

• LOLCats
• Tiddles
• Buttered-Cat Engine
• Kitler
• Long cat
• Cats Don't Dance
• The Cheshire Cat
• Bonsai Kitten
• CATS
• The Cat in the Hat
• Catspace
• Cat's Meow
• Kitty Hawk
• Pussy
• The Pussycat Dolls
• Cat-Toast Device
• Catwoman
• Murphy's law application for antigravitatory cats
• Eye Lasers
• Feral cat
• Cats are not your friends
• Cat Girls
• Dog
• Kitty King
• Roller Cat
• Percy
• 101 uses for a dead cat
• Cats with guns
• Abbayuubie cats
• Fernando Burtoni
• mexican vampire cats

[edit] External links

• One of the many joys of cat ownership
• CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com
• Parachuting and sky diving for cats
• How to love your pet cat. (Secure link)
• How to love your pet cat. (Standard link)