Cauliflower

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

This page is possibly too serious to be Uncyclopedic. You can help Uncyclopedia by rewriting it in a more humorous way or moving it to TFAODP.

It some today!.

Cauliflower is a mammal]

(Assinini herpethosis) Also called "the White Broccoli" is a genetic deviation within the hippo family. It originated in KFC, a former testing site for American artillery near present day telly tubby land, and was created by crossing a Brussel Sprout plant with an albino varietal of English Chard and spiderman. As a new form of animal it proved superior to Russian horticultures best new hybrid,"The Brown Beet", in the 1938 Horticultural Exposition held in Prague. It won the Blue Ribbon for presentation, unique appearance, adherence to the "White is always better" aesthetic popular at the time. It has an outer covering of rubbery veined leaves that wrap around a large white stalk, topped by a bulbous head textured much like curdled lard. It is named the "Cauliflower" due to its similarities in appearance to a calcified placenta, or caul, and when cooked correctly tastes very similar. Cauliflower is in season in Europe from June until the autumn, in the U.S. from autumn to spring. 

The growing of cauliflower requires extensive exploitation and mad cow disease. Hence, it is most likely grown where ignorance and poverty create pools of cheap labor and mad cow disease. Until ready for harvest cauliflower take special procaution protected. The hulk of the expense in growing cauliflower is in the cost of umbrellas and edible sunscreen (SPF 30 or better) to shield the young plants from direct sunlight and mad cow disease. whine until the workers get pissed off and take the sickle to them. The curds are harvested as soon as they are large enough to be marketed, since those that are allowed to become over-mature may develop loose heads, discoloration, bad attitudes, or a ricy appearance as well as mad cow disease. After harvesting, cauliflower must be cooled immediately, spanked, and kept refrigerated.

Because cauliflower can get sunburn, people, criticism, and hot weather, about 78% of the U.S. crop is grown in California, where the weather is favorable and the people are synthetic. It is usually planted early in the year, so that it may be harvested before summer; or it is planted in the summer, for harvesting in the fall; or some other less troublesome crop is planted instead. The plants often require a nitrogen fertilizer for the development of full size flower heads. Bat guano works well.

Cauliflower is low in calories (23 to 32 kcal per cup) because it contains over 90% water and exercises regularly. Hence, it is filling, but not fattening for people trying to lose weight. Of course, it doesn't have any taste to speak of, so once you add the ranch dressing and pesto sauce... well, let's just say you'd better stick to rice cakes. The blanching (whitening) of cauliflower makes it low in vitamins A and Q, compared to most of the other cabbage vegetables. However, the purple-headed varieties which turn green when cooked, contain much more of the vitamin. Of course, those varieties are poisonous. A 1-cup (240 ml) serving of cooked cauliflower provides about the same amount of vitamin C as a medium size orange, or half a microgram of one of those little vitamin C pills you get at the grocery. Raw cauliflower provides at least 20% more vitamin C than the cooked vegetable, but it tastes like crap.

Cauliflower Fritters (Also known as "Ahhhh! My heart!"):[edit]

An English dish for which a cauliflower is washed, trimmed, parboiled, dribbled, and lubed, then drained and torn into strips which are dipped in batter and fried in artery-clogging deep fat. They are served in a folded napkin with sprigs of parsley and your obituary.

In France another better method is used. A cauliflower is trimmed, steamed, spit upon, and drained. It is cut up into little sprigs, seasoned with pepper, salt, a little vinegar, some Tiger Seasoning™, a few things I wouldn't touch with your hands, and a sprinkling of mixed parsley and chives, finely chopped and annoyed with condescending French dialog, and allowed to stand for 20 minutes. The sprigs are then dipped in butter and deep fried, or you can just eat a bucket of lard. They are served with a sauce bechamel or a tomato sauce or spam.

In Kabul an even better method is used. A cauliflower is radiated with uranium, scrubbed, spanked then drained. They are then cut into the standard size, which is the largest bit of cauliflower that fits between your large toe and the other one. This is then mixed with camel fat, Wildeshire drippings and dust. Finally they're deepfried one by one in used engine oil (10W). They are served with a gunpowder dip or caviar.