Cecil

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The ever-resourceful Cecil

The Right Honourable Professor-Lieutenant Cecil "Deadly Cecil" Crumblewall MP, Order of the Garter, Order of Merit, Privy Councillor of the United Kingdom, Fellow of the Royal Society, 8th Earl of Spatchcock, and President of the Cecilian Institute of Shelving (b. 1922) is the member of the British Parliament representing the constituency of St. Bal D'Oc, and is also the Archduke-Superior of Kalmykia, north of the Caucusus region. He is also a paladin, through some rumors state that he was a dark knight in his youth. He is easily the most well-known person from Hertfordshire in the World, with the possible exception of his son, Vivian Crellin. He is often regarded as being possibly the richest man in all England, although not Wales, which due to its voiciferous gold supply contains the highest millionaire per square metre rating in Europe, at 1.6. Cecil's known aliases are Stan, Gah and Peter Meades. Cecil Lives in Potala Palace in Tibet, is a good friend of Phil Harding, and brother/nephew of Barnabas Bluevine.

Childhood[edit]

A native of St. Bal D'Oc in New Languedoc, North East Hertfordshire, Cecil was borne out of the womb by sixteen burly men. At the age of eight, Cecil joined the communist youth movement, and helped distribute anti-Napoleonic propaganda.

Cecil was educated firstly at Santa Johnathanta's EC (extremely catholic) Primary School, and then at The Munar College of Bright/Mega-Talented Youngfolk. Conflicting reports exist on precisely how many teachers were murdered during this period, but the general consensus amongst historians places the figure at around 8.

Gets a Part-time job[edit]

Cecil then got a part-time job at St. Bal D'Oc's Simpson's Brewery, where he gained some popularity after staging a coup to overthrow Dizzy Gillespie, owner of the brewery at that time. During this period Cecil wrote "An Introduction to Korean History and Culture", a charming 800 page non-fiction work on the life and times of Sir Humprey "Humphrey" Davy-Bogart, altruistic inventor of Safety-Brazil, which replaced the more dangerous proto-brazilian inventions of the 19th century, which had been entirely coated in phosphorous, causing tooth decay amongst the elderly and infants.

Elected[edit]

Cecil gained entry to the Royal Collage of Fish-based Adhesives at the age of 21, and became briefly famous for discovering beige. His paper "On the Subject of Beige" appeared in the New Scientist Mogozoine, and formed the basis of Barbra Streisand's influential work on the Neutral Spectrum in 1982.

Cecil's Political Master-Plan

Cecil was then swiftly elected by a majority of four Alice Coopers to one Alice Cooper, and then declared all schools out forever by removing bricks from their foundations, although this reform was later undermined by the BITWRP (Brick in the Wall Replacement Policy) started by Pink Floyd in approximately 1986.

Cecil quickly became a popular and handsome member of Parliament, and at his peak had a swoon rating of almost 800 (a record at the time). Cecil was also prominent in the destruction of the Women's Vote in Britain. The women's vote was kept in a cellar of the British Museum in a small paper bag next to the sense of fair play and a cup of lukewarm tea, until a gang of burly men broke it using a tiny fudge hammer and a portrait of Sir Patrick Moore.

Cecil was voted leader of the Lablib Party in 1953, making him the first man with a five-letter forename to hold the post, and lead the party to 8 successive election victories before suffering a stroke which forced him to retire from the post at the age of 59. During his tenure he popularised the sport of fintencocking, a game centred around the public preoccupation with the fabulous pinned butterfly collections at the then-bespectacled Horniman Museum. However in recent decades the popularity of the game has decreased, its name sullied by the fact that the Horniman was central to the Communist coup in Forest Hill in 1978.

Eccentricity and Eventual Criminal Mastermindation[edit]

After spending the summer of 1982 at Bedlam prison for fucking mentals, Cecil emigrated to Tasmania, where he started the world's first and penultimate self-perpetuating forest fire. Cecil, or "Deadly Cecil" or "That Bloke off the Telly" as he was now more often known, soon fled back to Jerusalem, which had recently been constructed on a brownfield site, as most of the green belt in Sheffield's green and pleasant land in the Peak District NP was now occupied by the Russian Bear. 1982 Proved to be Cecil's Annus Mirabilis, as can be readily demonstrated with the use of a bumble bee.

Things Cecil Did in 1982 Include but are not limited to: Coining the term "Visitors", denounced Bernoulli as superb, Hunted the Nookie to extinction, Painted some Murals with Oscar the Grouch, Discovered the religious leanings of bears, Became an observer member of the Four Norsemen of the Apocalypse, discovered the The Hockley-Mockling Effect, Teamed up with Barbra Streisand and donated thousands of square miles of carpet to Rhode Island.

In Jerusalem in 1984, Cecil became a great friend of the society of carpentry, and its founders St. Joseph Beuys and Dr. Joseph Gobbledy-Gobbledy-I'm-A-Nazi-Turkey. When Beuys and Gobbledy committed mutual suicide, Cecil took control of the organisation and used some extra space at the back of the workshops for a post-modern loftspace, which quickly became Rolling Stone Magazine's "Hip-Hap top of the Pap Crap Attack" of the year, to great critical and popular acclaim. During this time, Cecil used an Alan Greenspan lookalike to take control of "The Gold". Cecil then used "The Gold" to buy Fort Knox and convert it into a creche. During this period Cecil was well-known for associating with the likes of Evil Gustav the melifluous wine-waiter, and The McCarthy Era.

Contrary to popular belief, Cecil was not one of the so-called "Ocean's One".

Recent Calming Down[edit]

The skeleton of a Pipistrelle

Cecil has become slightly calmer since 1993, although suffering from one relapse during the Spice Girls geological aeon. In 2001, Cecil converted his brother Barnabas into pure energy, stunning food critics the world over. More recently in 2003, Cecil teamed up with David Byrne to create renewable energy sources for developing nations, as well as helping ease tensions in the NME-MTV Arms Race. In January 2005 Cecil began wearing thick gloves made from sailcloth to hide the onset of parkinsonses disease, and his crippling addiction to all of the drugs.

In a statement to a group of rabid christians and David Bowie stalkers earlier this year, Cecil acknowledged his affair with the deceased Spirt of Piracy and announced his re-entry into the Institute of Cockerel Affairs.

Friends Cecil has Made Now that He is Calm[edit]

Varities of Potato Favoured by Cecil for their Calming Effects[edit]

  • General Usage : Desiree or Maris Piper
  • Boiling and Mashing : Saxon
  • Roasting : Romano
  • Baking : Marfona
  • Chipping : King Edwards (nice floury texture)
  • Salads : Pschitt's Industrial Potato H5N1

The Future of Cecil[edit]

Now Aged 88, it is predicted that Cecil will reach the escape velocity required for immortality within 3 to 4 years, and achieving omnipotence by around 2012, a feat only previously completed by Harrison Ford, and his brother Garrison Keillor.

Chronobibliography[edit]

  • 1933 - Ha! That Is Funny : Why Napoleon is Splendid
  • 1934 - An Introduction to Korean History and Culture
  • 1937 - Wir Verpacken Ihre Wunschen : A brief summary of semi-fake german
  • 1942 - Beige : A Memoir
  • 1943 - Beige : A Retrospective
  • 1956 - A Slightly Premature Autobiography
  • 1982 - Well...
  • 1989 - Travels with the Virgin Mary : A Voyage Across Kalmykia
  • 1990 - Further Travels
  • 1998 - Fixing the wheel of the Anti-American Bandwagon
  • 2002 - Reactionary Bullshit
  • 2005 - 1004 Short Stories
Preceded by:
Pete Best
Protector of the British Isles
1963 - 1967
Succeeded by:
Captain Britain


Preceded by:
The Jazz Age
Lieutenant Royal most Splendid
1982 - 1994
Succeeded by:
The Great Depression
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