Ceiling Cat

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You have discovered Oscar Wilde's cat

“So great a cat, I gave up all my authority on MirrorUncyclopedia mandatorially voluntarily to him”

Greater Deity
Symbol: A cat's head poking out of a square hole in the ceiling.
Home Plane: Blessed Fields of Elysium
Alignment: Chaotic Good
Portfolio: Cats, Cheeseburgers, People who are Masturbating
Clergy Alignments: NG, CG, CN
Domains: Animal, Good, Chaos, Trickery
Favored Weapon: Claw (Spiked Gauntlet)
He's watching you, like a feline version of Big Brother.

Ceiling Cat is one of the most powerful, most awesome and most undeafeatable cats in the world, and God's cat. It

Ceiling Cat, creating the first human.

is nice to good cats, but mean to bad cats. He was friends with theBasement Cat, until it stole his cheezburger. Now they're best friends worst enemies forever. Idiot Cat tried to build a ladder to come up to him, but failed epically.

Ceiling Cat is the god of Cheeseburgers and Cats. He is the revered Deity of awakened cats, the other being the evil Basement Cat. Ceiling Cat is often portrayed as a pure white housecat with vast magical powers, while his other depiction is that of an orange cat poking its head through a hole in a ceiling.

Ceiling Cat is a mischievous housecat who catches people in the act of masturbation, revealing himself through his signature ceiling-hole. This causes much alarm by said perverts, since nobody wants to see a cat watching them screw themselves.

Ceiling Cat was created long ago, when he created himself and all things. Every time the worlds align in their crystal spheres a harmonic tone can be heard, this is the coming of Ceiling Cat to appease his worshipers. They revere him by their ancient traditions (see masturbate) and accept his whispered secrets and truths. Typically it cuts a crude hole in your ceiling, and proceeds to observe you act out your perverted sexual fantasies from its superior vantage point... it may even give you decent cooking advice if it cuts a hole in your kitchen ceiling, but DO NOT COOK the Ceiling Cat.

No matter how much its flesh tempts you, eating one is bad luck. The Ceiling Cat is able to view chronic masturbators through the installation of cameras and recording equipment. The best examples are loaded onto YouTube within two shakes of a cat's tail. So when you look up again in auto sexual abandon, check if you can see a cat looking back at you and pointing a camera at your wanking toy.

STAY AWAY from the Ceiling Cat at all costs - these creatures are dangerous when cornered. The Ceiling Cat is able to view chronic masturbators through the installation of cameras, because having to go to every person is ineffective in a few specialize situations.

Note- if you see a crude hole in your ceiling do not at any stage masturbate as the ceiling cat will most likely shoot a laser at (yo)ur wanking toy.


Please use correct grammar on this site or we will hunt you down and place a Ceiling Cat in your home! LONG LIVE CEILING CAT, AMAIH CEILING CAT!

Ceiling cat is the god of all cats (and hoomins, the lolspeak for human) and can do anything. He is constantly at war with Basement Cat.

Dogma

Ceiling Cat is a very relaxed god. He doesn't care much about his followers, only requesting that they offer sacrifices of cheeseburgers every month to appease him. He also encourages the destruction of Basement Cat's faith.

Ceiling Cat, like his Clerics, butcher the Common language mercilessly, using phrases like "I can has Cheeseburger?" rather than "May I have a Cheeseburger?" This is not required by his clerics, but many do it as a force of habit.

Good souls go to Ceiling Cat, Bad Souls go to Basement Cat

Clergy and Temples

Ceiling Cat has many temples anywhere feline-esque races abound, as well as hidden dens for all awakened cat followers, called LOLcats. Ceiling Cat's temples always have small square holes in the ceilings at one location so that he himself may always watch them.

Ceiling cat vs. Basement Cat

Ceiling cat has always been at war. Even when you are masturbating. Basement cat comes through your drain and tries to stop you,but you must break free of the evil basement cat for the sake all that is holy.

If you let him stop you, you FAIL. And if you fail, whithin seconds the ceiling cat will appear. Ownage will soon follow on your part.


History of Ceiling Cats

Origin

Ceiling Cat's origin is unknown. Some say that Ceiling Cat gave birth to itself, but that would be downright confusing, not to mention impossible. Others say that it did not come from anywhere and has existed forever. This could be true, but it probably isn't. Most likely, it was created by God to serve as a companion. This theory is supported by an image created by an artist n

From left to right: Purgatory Cat, Ceiling Cat, Angel Cat, and Basement Cat.

amed M.S. Paint, who was one of the earliest beings to ever be created, along with God and Satan.

Growing Up

Ceiling Cat grew up in a litter of three other kittens: Purgatory Cat, Angel Cat, and Basement Cat. Since they were orphans their entire lives, they were placed in the care of Oscar Wilde. However, since Oscar Wilde is far too manly to take care of kittens, he scattered them all across the world. Ceiling Cat was taken to Heaven along with Angel Cat, Basement Cat wound up in Hell (where he was adopted by Satan), and Purgatory Cat could not decide where he wanted to go and became stuck in between the two. The four cats eventually took charge of the areas they lived in, gaining new jobs and responsibilities. Ceiling Cat created all living things, Angel Cat took the souls of the dead into Heaven, Basement Cat devoured the souls of the bad people, and Purgatory Cat did absolutely nothing.

Creating Mankind

In honor of his foster father, Oscar Wilde, Ceiling Cat created humans in his image. Fortunately, he made the wise decision of vastly reducing their power so that they would not destroy each other as well as Earth. Unfortunately, they began doing so anyway by creating guns and polluting the atmosphere, respectively. Thus, Ceiling Cat created the undead to wipe out some of the humans without wasting his resources, but to no avail. To this day, Ceiling Cat tries his best to curb the human population, and has begun to succeed in Japan, where humans are being replaced by robots at Ceiling Cat's will.

The discovery of Ceiling Cats

In the late 15th Century, the Earl of Batavia, after a session of 'Choking ye olde dolphin' looked to the ceiling and said, "Holy Shit! How long has that little pussy been watching me pleasure myself?!?! I better go into the attic and see what's going on!" The Earl was never seen again. The Earl was also a frequent huffer of kittens, and somehow successfully captured the Ceiling Cat. It was a indeed a battle great, and it ended up with the Earl of Batavia containing the only known captive specimen of Ceiling Cat ever caught on canvas. The Earl attempted an early form of Kitten Huffing, but was inexperienced of the practice and was unable to do so. Some speculate that he died, others speculate that he overdosed. The truth is unknown, all that is known is that he died of a kitten huffing overdose...

The Ceiling Cat disappeared but for years after people complained they were being watched.


Speculation of Purpose

Some propose that ceiling cats are not just there to watch or prevent masturbation, but also for structural support of roofs. It has been said that, from unidentified sources, the vast majority of ceiling cats are highly skilled in the art of masonry and only as a side affect do they watch you Bash the Bishop - possibly a popular break-time tradition since the first sightings. Because of this behaviour, ceiling cats are often confused with Pedobear.

Ceiling Cat Removal

How to get rid of a Ceiling Cat

Don't let a ceiling cat catch you masturbating!

There is only one way to rid of a Ceiling Cat. Do not masturbate! Without a ready supply of sexual acts to feed its perversions, it will be forced to move on and find a new meat-loving male or female. However, many individuals find this technique so distressing that they give up and are reconciled with their ceiling catty fate. Unfortunately there is no other way to get rid of a ceiling cat infestation, you will just have to learn to enjoy the attention. There could be a possible exception in not wanting the ceiling cat to watch you. In standard Russian reversal you would watch the ceiling cat masturbate..

With a little help from Russian Reversal, Ceiling Cats become porn!

Ceiling Cat Deterrents

A rare glimpse of the ceiling headcrab: This particular specimen is about to skull-rape you.

You may have recently been bombarded with pop-ups trying to sell you "Herbal ceiling cat deterrents" with "no side effects!", guaranteed to "rid you of your ceiling cat troubles once and for all!" and "I`crease Your Sexual Desire and Sperm volume by 500% L'onger o`rgasms - The longest most intense orgasms of your life Multiple o`rgasms". DO NOT BE TRICKED INTO BUYING THESE USELESS "DETERRENTS". The sad truth is that no effective Ceiling Cat deterrents currently exist on the market, and these people are just trying to scam desperate and horny old ladies (old ladies like their privacy) out of their hard-earned cash in an effort to make a quick buck.

The only known effective deterrent to ceiling cats is an experimental product from the Xen Extraterrestrials, Now! (XEN) corporation called the "Ceiling Headcrab." Ceiling headcrabs are immune to ceiling cat lasers but light kills them! This product will route the ceiling cats out of your attic and interstitial spaces at the minor expense of turning the ceiling cats into blood-thirsty ceiling cat-zombies (a.k.a. "pussombies") which will attempt to eat your brains if you are caught masturbating, or seclusive, stationary ceiling cat-barnicles (a.k.a. barnicats) which provide aid in performing autoerotoasphixia. These trade-offs are most welcome to the cat-infested community because pussombies move more slowly than the lightning-quick laser eyes of ceiling cat, and barnicats are easy enough to kill if you happen to have a drum of gasoline and a few bullets laying around. One major product drawback is that ceiling headcrabs have an intrinsic tendency to break electronics like computer monitors and pan-dimentional teleporters, but this is only a real problem if you attempt to de-beak and domesticate a ceiling headcrab as feral ceiling headcrabs naturally avoid human living quarters. Unless you are wearing orange; they hate that colour. And they hate crowbars for some reason, most likely because no headcrab has ever walked away from one without a headache.


Ground Cats

Ground cats are an experimental new type of cat made by combining the DNA of a ceiling cat and one of the fabled tiny orange ones. They appear outside, so that even when you are outside, you can not escape the raw power of ceiling cat! They are however, due to an error in the DNA splicing, huffable. They are extremely dangerous and immune to even ceiling headcrabs. Beware the ground cat.

Common Misconceptions

Ceiling cats have powers and supplies of super strength marmalade.
Though not easily spotted, this black African-American ceiling cat is revealed by a mysterious red halo.

There is a common misconception that Ceiling Cats enjoy viewing plumbing activities. This is not the case. The vast majority of Ceiling Cats are offended by these activities. It is forseen that if a Ceiling Cat witnesses a plumbing activity, it will likely pummel the dominant plumber with whatever it can find in the attic of the aforementioned plumber.

Mythology

  1. Ceiling Cat takes care of good souls; Basement Cat takes care of bad souls.
  2. He watches you masturbate.
  3. He was created by God.
  4. Apparently, he had a son. Little is known about him, however.

See also

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