Celebrity Deathmatch

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Martha Stewart and Zsa Zsa Gabor in a catfight over whose are real, or whose career is going downhill, or who Madonna prefers kissing, or something. Who can listen when a couple of high trash sex kittens are all over each other on the pavement? Did you know there are gentleman's clubs where they actually charge you for a show like this? In their defense, there's usually mud or Jell-o® included for the admission price.

Celebrity Deathmatch is a television series currently in development by The Fox Network, featuring real live celebrities mauling, clawing and bitch slapping the holy bejesii out of each other with hacksaws, wood chippers, and other assorted instruments of torture.

Lawyers respresenting The Fox Network would like to take this opportunity to remind you that Fox's offering bears no resemblance to the similarly-monkiered MTV program Celebrity Deathmatch which features completely fabricated claymation figures engaged in a sorely inferior level of conflict akin to the mating of The Three Stooges and Wallace & Gromit.

[edit] Development

The Fox Network, the Emmy-winning, long-heralded champion of truly landbreaking television which is in no way responsible for any perceived degradation of western values like those cited in the class action lawsuit current making its way through the US court system which is completely baseless and nothing to worry about and besides you missed the plaintiff deadline anyway announced the development of the series last month after analysis of A. C. Nielsen ratings and an in-house telephone survey indicated that viewers were tiring of current reality TV offerings.

Bridgette Neilson , the nations leading T.V. polster, indicates that the "trapped-on-an-island" shows, "confined-to-a-house" shows, and "stuck-in-a-room-watching-bad-auditions" shows, though even among these, viewers identified some elements they enjoyed.

For example, audiences still craved situations eliciting disgust, horror, or both. Most popular by far were Flavor Flav and Dr. Sue Johannson's steamy interracial love romp on "The Surreal Life", and just about anything that happened on "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance".

Taking their cue from The National Enquirer and other print tabloids that profit by meeting our basic human need to see celebrities pushed from their high pedestals and into the mud, writers added a generous helping of WWE, and a dash of Faces of Death to produce what they hope is a winning formula.

[edit] Season One Highlights

[edit] Battle Royale of the Washed-Up Has-Been Blockbuster Ex-Action Stars

Gun's empty, so here's a magic trick. Abra cadaver!

Steven Seagal, Rutger Hauer, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and others square off in a free-for-all cage match to determine who's the least feeble.

Contestants have their choice of two weapons, including canes, crutches, oxygen tanks, and walking frames. Or one, if two is too heavy. No wheelchairs or scooters permitted in the ring without a doctor's note. Color commentary provided by Predator co-stars and alleged politicians Arnold 'The Governator' Schwarzenegger and Jesse 'The Governing Body' Ventura.

Late entrant Charles Bronson, thought to have died in August 2003, emailed the Fox Network to explain that his prolonged absence was due to litigation with his former management, and has expressed his intent to mount a stunning upset against "the young whippernappers".

[edit] Revenge of the Nerds

Jaleel White: Death in suspenders and white vinyl shoes.

Mythbusters Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman host a chemistry and Erector Set® extravaganza as some of Hollywood's most prolific nerds are sequestered inside an abandoned Kmart in a geek-eat-geek science fair to the death.

Rick Moranis, Robert Carradine, Anthony Michael Hall, Crispin Glover, Eugene Levy, Dustin Diamond, Jaleel White, and others are let loose to scrounge whatever leftover inventory they can in only 4 hours.

You'll giggle like a schoolgirl as dorks bitch-slap and wedgie each other in an unbridled scavenger hunt of the plumbing and electronics sections. After a thrilling 12 hour construction phase, it's robots vs. bombs vs. biological terror. In the end, there are broken alliances and broken glasses that even white tape can't repair, but only one nerd left standing.

[edit] Silicone Bubble-Breast Busting Bonanza

I enjoy being a room-mother at my children's elementary school.

In an unintentional Baywatch reunion episode, host Pamela Anderson welcomes the entire female cast of the long-running (often jiggling as it ran) lifeguard show, in addition to special guests Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and Christina Aguilera.

Britney: Hey. I thought you said this was a roller derby for charity? Mine are real!

Christina: No, they're not! Those big C's look totally unbelieveably large on you.

Britney: It's baby weight. I was pregnant! And my regular size is medium C. Besides, you're one to talk about fake ones.

Christina: Me? I'm not the one with entire websites dedicated to how fake their breasts are.

Britney: That's because yours are fake and everyone already knows it. Mystery solved!

Christina: They are not fake!

Britney: Are so! I googled you! You went from a small A to a large C, and didn't gain any weight!

Christina: Liar! Take that back, you bitch!!! (attacks)

Pamela: Girls, please. Let's not fight. Eeeeeeeee!!!

Producer: Great! A three-way. You getting all this?

Camera 2: Got it. Looks like another Emmy from this angle.

[edit] Season Two Highlights

Halloween fright fights

Hosted by Vincent Price and Boris Karloff,it opened with a deathmatch between Ted Bundy and Charles Manson,and it ended with both fighters slaying themselves. Then the main event began,as it was set on a graveyard and it featured Freddy Kruger,Jason Voorhees,Michael Myers,Samara Morgan,Marilyn Manson and Anna Faris fighting each other,whereas the winner would have to fight a bunch of zombies.Thinking quickly,Faris ducked and hid behind a tombstone,while the others mashed and massacred each other.However,she didn't manage to escape the zombies and in the end,no one won.

Sitcom slaughterhouse

In a ring decorated in the style of the Friends' set,viewers enjoyed the following fights:

Will & Grace vs Mork & Mindy vs Dharma & Greg

Ended with Jenna Elfman who defeated the last standing Eric McCormack by shoving her high-heel in his eyes,thus impaling his brain.

Frasier vs Roseanne vs Seinfeld

Ended with Roseanne eating the others.Big surprise.

Friends against each other

Ended with Jennifer Aniston telling everyone how much her career has boosted after the show ended,causing everyone else having a heart attack.

Dome of death

The Dome of death is a dome wherein various booby traps and weapons are hidden,and the fighters were:

Reba McEntire vs Madonna

Ended with McEntire singing her songs,causing Madonna's brain to fall out of her skull.

Ellen Pompeo vs Teri Hatcher

A car was hidden inside on top of the dome,and in the right moment,it fell on Pompeo.

KISS vs ABBA(a.k.a. "Return of the barely wanted

Ended with KISS playing their music so loud,it cused the dome crush and fall on the fighers.Interestingly,only that bearded lady from ABBA survived,but nobody really cared how.

[edit] Season Three Highlights

Doctor!Doctor!

The first two fights were set in the ring,afterwards the winners of the fights would be left in an abandoned hospital,wherein they would battle for supremacy.

Zach Braff vs Sandra Oh

Various diseases were spread around the ring to make the fight more interesting.This ended with Oh catching malaria,the yellow fever and AIDS,while Braff only caught the common cold,which made him the winner.

Goran Visnjic vs Dylan McMahon

Stars of "E.R." and "Nip/Tuck" fought in a cage.Visnjic won by punching McMahon in the head,causing concossion.

Braff vs Visnjic

The two were fighting and moving from one OR to another,until Sandra Oh came in and slashed the fighters with scalpels.She explained this by "if I didn't win,no one would".

Dome of death 2

The Farelly brothers vs the Coen brothers

Ended with the Coen brothers bumping into a dome wall which held spikes that impaled the brothers.

Sarah Palin vs Barack Obama

The angry bitch who wanted to rule the USA alongside John McCain took her anger on the new president,but only ended decapitated by Obama who used a giant pair of scissors he found in a secret compartment within the Dome. This was later made into a movie directed by Uwe Boll,who named it "Night of the living Palin",starring Tina Fey and Will Smith.

Isaiah Washington vs Denzel Washington(featuring George Washington)

Ended with both Washingtons being poisoned by the tea George Washington served them.

Catfights

In rings filled with mud,jell-o,lettuce,yogurt,etc. male viewers enjoyed 26 catfights,including:

Scarlett Johansson vs Rebecca Romijin

Ended with Johansson shoving her dress down Romijin's throat.This move got Johansson an Emmy,most probably because she didin't wear any underwear.

Ellen DeGeneres vs Rosie O'Donnel

Ended with O'Donnel simply sitting on DeGeneres,making her as flat as a pancake(literally).

Paris Hilton vs Pamela Anderson

Ended with Anderson smothering Hilton with her huge boobs.

Celebrity Death Match premieres April 22 at 9:30PM ET/PT, after American Euroipods.