“I have nothing to declare except my strong support for Celtic. Who, without doubt are the best club in the world...... Celtic! That's the team that plays in blue isn't it?”
Their home ground, Celtic Park, has had some of the greatest players in European football history grace its turf, most notably Enrico Annoni, and the not snow white Space Evander Snow. In recent years, Celtic has gained respect off the pitch for their relocation scheme for the homeless neds of Edinburgh, bringing them to sunny, crime-free Glasgow and giving them warm benches to sit on. Recent charity cases include Derek Riordan, Paul Hartley, Steven Pressley and Kenny Miller.
Celtic began as an idea for an SPL team that could win against superior foreign teams, Sean Connery decided that this could be possible with enough sectarianism and hatred, these would, in Connery's eyes stoke the fires of victory for his fledgling team; sadly Connery was no golfer and didn’t knew less about football than he knew about Golf, and thus Celtic was born and continues under ideals that Sean Connery lay down for the club.
In the 2006-2007 seasons, Celtic effortlessly held off the challenge of all other teams in the Scottish Premier League, holding rangers by the baws during old firm games, while rangers hit back with their pathetic lady slaps. This tactic worked so comprehensively, given the Papal conspiracy's successful installation of Paul le Guen as Glasgow Boonsookers manager, that Celtic were secretly awarded the league trophy in a champions ceremony in late November 2006, for the remainder of the season Celtic fielded a team of look-alikes to give the real stars a rest and still managed to rip rangers. These counterfeit McGeadys, Nakamuras and Lennon’s, in spite of their limited football ability, were more than capable of maintaining Celtic's deserved size of a horses ding dong lead over the rest of their SPL counterparts.
This uncanny team of replicas was initially given the simple task of defeating the other 'teams' in the Premier League. However, this was quickly deemed too easy, and they were instead instructed to 'let the diddies think they would win' until the 80th minute before delivering two late goals. This was a fun game btw; follow went into melt down every time. The only minor blip in this ploy occurred when the Kenny Miller fluffed his lines and managed to score a goal or two.
Towards the end of the season, Celtic made a concerted effort to delay the official award of their league trophy. (Even though the trophy was secretly presented at an award ceremony in November wink) This was represented in the hurting press as evidence of their manager's lots of ability and better tactical thoughts than the opposition manager but was in fact a necessary stalling action since the trophy itself was damaged in an attempt by a rangers fan to steal the trophy. Neil Lennon was scripted to play the part of a jubilant Celtic fan, literally up to his knees in blood and using the trophy as a chalice to scoop and slurp said blood. The blood was played by 30 liters of Ribena. Whilst furiously scooping, Lennon lost his grip on the chalice/trophy and it lodged itself in the stadium's awning.(aye you wish) Trophy Centre on Aitkenhead Road managed to nearly fully dent the trophy back out to its original shape and cleaned of all syrup, Celtic lifted the trophy after their next game against Kilmarnock FC.
Celtic began their season with a hard earned draw at home to Athletico Kilmarnicko. Following in the shadows of Rangers for various weeks they finalyl took advantage of a road bump by there far superior rivals, who lost to Hertz.
However this was quickly undone with baffling 3-2 defeats to celtic, with there cleevr fans using "celtc" to try and confuse the home team into thinking they had been playing a european team.
Later, such displays from the Green and Greys would see them get demolished by Rangers 3-0, following a 1-0 loss to Rangers once again. The 3rd old firm saw celtic struggle on their best form to a Rangers team on a bad day, however, like usual... their ability to score an injury time un-deserved winner.
On January 2nd, The 2nd old firm was meant to be played against Rangers, however... celtic exploited the late great (RIP) phil o'donnels death as their best player Ragin McJedi had got suspended 3 weeks prior to their 3-2 defeat to the mighty Real Inverness Caley.
Despite this postponment, rangers are in a comfortable position where.. they will most likely field a youth team in the final Old Firm, whilst celebrating the title being won a meer 3 weeks later.
Most of Celtics history was stolen from Hibernian FC, who which they even wanted to sue their name "Glasgow Hibernian". This however was scrapped, and in the glory days of the 90s where their superior and greater neighbours won 9 league titles and limited celtics trophy count to 3 in 9 years.
Celtic fans will often used their Extinct cup run in 1967 as a valid point of argument, the only reason they use this though is because they have nothing else to better that of their superior neighbours.
It is often laughed at however, because of how poor this tournament was in the days of the 60s.
Celtic’s club song is You'll Never Walk Alone, they nicked it from Liverpool. Various claims that Celtic fans sang the song because they love Liverpool have been dismissed as 'laughable'. Another Celtic song of note is the gloriously jingoistic ode to that annoyingly hard version of snowfall, 'Hail Hail' which, of course, is also sung by Liverpool and most clubs in Britain. Celtic can claim 'Fields of Athenry' as their own, although many fans are perplexed as to how close a connection the Irish of western Scotland can have to a large Greek city.
It is unknown if Celtic have any fans, as most of the people who travel to games generally communicate in Gaelic and are therefore incomprehensible. It is also unknown if the "fans" think that they are English like Rangers fans do, or if their trade-mark 'knuckles along the ground' walking technique is a symptom of a bizarre process of devolution among Glaswegians of the green persuasion. However, despite being a "scottish" team, most fan think they are Irish, and that Celtic is in NO WAY a British team. This however is quickly contradicted when these very smart celtic fans claim their club was "the first BRITISH team to win a european cup". A theory has been launched that Celtic fans are so devolved because Parkhead is actually a giant mobile phone mast. A recent investigation into the origin of the mast resulted in Celtic F.C. filing a law-suit against the phone company Orange. Celtic argued that that was the problem in the first place. Thier current manager wee Gooordaan Strachan has described them as having devil dogs and drinking 6 packs of Kestral. Celtic fans are known to be celtic-minded- Being born in scotland but singing irish songs waving the tri-colour and thinking your Irish when thier actuly scottish.
“I think there’s a binary opposition here, victory and Celtic? Together?”
European Cup 1967.
For other honours, see Rangers FC and take about -15 off the final count and you will get a rough estimate of Celtic's Success.
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