Cello
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The chelol (also known as the big violin, the big viola, the small bass, and the ceLOL) is a musical instrument palpable abomination unto humanity that is comprised of wood, cat guts, other stuff, and horse hair (if you count the bow). Anybody who plays the cello is a "jiggler", or less commonly, a "cellist". (Note: A black person who plays the cello is a niggler.) (Also note: Jigglers are extremely rare as anyone who plays the cello gets picked on incessantly. The common elementary school jiggler is the primary target of any elementary school bullies [as the common elementary school jiggler is a total nerd and outcast], and can be honed in on from over three blocks away due to the overwhelming scent of rosin every jiggler carries. Anyone who survives bullying and makes it into high school years is termed "A Survivor.") The jigglers are weak, with delicate frames akin to gelatinous substances (hence the term 'jiggler'). Unless they're fat. In which case, poke them with your superior bass bow and make fun of them for being obese.
The cello is played by striking the cat gut strings with a quasi-phallic device, which produces a musical shrieking tone.
[edit] The history of it all
The cello was first constructed in the 1700's somewhere in Italy or Spain. (I don't know; one of those old, crappy countries in Europe.) It was not initially created with a built-in end pin, so jigglers were forced to hold it tight between their pudgy, pasty little legs. This completely rocked the jigglers' worlds. In fact, the act of holding a giant wooden structure firmly between one's legs was so overwhelmingly sexual that it was the leading cure for virginity (behind raep). This phenomenon was commonplace in the eighteenth century, but after the invention of the end pin, the cello became a deadly instrument of torture. One could now easily shove any end of the cello up someone's arse, and torturous ecstasy would result. (See bondage.)
[edit] What a cello is not
- It is not "not a musical instrument."
- The word cello is NOT a greeting. I don't care if you're Jack Black — It's not cool, and you're a fag for using it as such
- The cello is NOT a sex toy. I don't care about the tantalizing f-holes, the strokable neck, or its shapely body.
- The cello is not your ambulation buddy. Do not let yourself be seen in public with your cello, unless you want to be a bully victim the rest of your life
- It is NOT a gateway instrument. Unfortunately, once the unsuspecting person chooses the cello as his "musical instrument", he can not go back; the cello is a curse. Upon choosing the cello as your instrument, you sell your soul to Satan; and just like that, you become a jiggler.
- Cellos are not cheap. DO NOT BREAK, MASTURBATE WITH, MUTILATE, MOLEST, ABUSE, STRIKE, MISTREAT, THROW, DROP, OR TRIP OVER A CELLO. You ARE obligated to pay for the damages. Do YOU have an extra $5,000 sitting in your bank account? I didn't think so.
- A cello is not a token of your awesomeness, though it can increase your epic-count. Never succumb to feeling that you are cool because you play the cello. It's a miracle that you haven't been beaten up already and learned this lesson yourself (unless you have, in which case you wouldn't be reading this article).
[edit] The difference between cello and Jell-O
When reading about the cello, there is often confusion about whether the author is referring to the instrument as a whole, or the gelatinous substance commonly known as Jell-O. This confusion is quickly subsided once the reader realizes how retarded it is to believe that either jello or the cello could actually be a musical instrument.
[edit] Facts about jigglers
- Jigglers despise violinists
- They are known to be extremely promiscuous
- Often go into prostitution
- Experience déjà vu
- Really, really like orange things
- Don't wear clothes on Tuesdays in March
- Experience déjà vu
- Jigglers tend to leave home when they turn 16 in the hope of finding a better place, like Neverland
- They are oft to masturbate viciously and painfully behind the cello, hence the stupid faces cellists make
- Chew cannonballs instead of gumballs
- Cellists are the primary suspects of the murder of Pachelbel
- Will eat your fucking soul if you tell them they're too loud, or that violinists do it better
- Jigglers love it when you stroke their egos. In this way, they are very similar to guitarists. If you charm a jiggler, he or she will do favors for you.
If you value your sanity, beware of all bow wielders. They are sadistic, soulless creatures who exist for nothing other than the purposes of getting high, torturing people with banshee music, being fat, and figuring out clever ways to implement torture using musical instruments.
[edit] Protip
Stay away from all jigglers. They smell of rosin, B.O., and pot. If you smell a jiggler coming within a mile radius of yourself, run in the direction that will take you farthest from said jiggler. If you're a jiggler, please terminate your existence immediately.
[edit] Reasons to choose the cello over the other instruments
- It is the only orchestral string instrument that, under no circumstances, you are never required to stand up to play
- You can jack off or text behind your cello and the conductor/instructor is none the wiser
- It's pretty much the easiest instrument to play because the pitches are the right amount of space apart, and your instrument doesn't totally crush you while you're playing it
- You're pretty much the star of the concert no matter what dynamic you're supposed to be playing
- People compliment you on your strength for playing and carrying around such a large instrument (even though a cello is, like, three pounds)
[edit] Reasons to choose other instruments over the cello
- Any instrument besides the violin is less obnoxious than the cello
- There is no temptation to take over the orchestra if you don't have a giant wooden block between your legs
- Cellos are $$$ expensive as hell $$$ (Even Yoyo Ma can't afford his cello. He borrows it some from rich collector guy. He a bad, bad man.)
- By switching from a cello to any other instrument, the probability of you mating with anything other than your own hand increases by 217%
- You can actually learn how to read and play actual music
- You don't need to carry that bulky-ass case around, thus decreasing the chances of you getting beat up by someone cooler than you
- You don't go deaf from the sound of your own playing
- You can seriously mess up your hips from sitting down to play the cello. Wearing down your hips in this manner gives you a retarded limp, and unless you're a white woemanz with a black boyfriend, this will confuse others. Horribly.
- You won't look as lame playing the drums as you would the cello. Wait. . . .
- If you switch from the cello, you can actually make friends, instead of wishing you had them
- Your taste in music improves exponentially
- Your coolness level increases by over 9000
- You are able to shamelessly tell others what instrument you play
- There is a possibility that you will become a successful musician
- Your mom can actually be proud of you, for once
[edit] Crusty, moldy, unfunny jokes at the expense of the jigglers
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by cello recitals.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the cello recital.
Q: How do you make a jiggler play fortississimo?
A: Write pp espressivo.
Cello: $30,000
Bow: $800
Case: $1,200
Popping your G-String in the middle of your cello solo: Priceless
As you can see, jigglers are the lowest species of musician in the orchestral kingdom. However, the violinist is probably the most retarded, and the violist is the most useless. Bass is totally the way to go, man! See? Even a cellist such as myself thinks that bass is the best instrument. Once you pick an inferior instrument, you can't go back! NOOOO!
[edit] Moar fun facts
- Playing a rapid musical piece on the cello is known as "Gettin' jiggly wid it" because all jigglers are fat, and thus jiggle as they play their music.
- Cello players are the losers of the orchestra kingdom, and as such, are always trying to steal the spotlight from the violins, or trying to score some weed from the bassists. All attempts that jigglers make at being cool are futile.
- A virtually unknown composer of the Baroque era, named J.S. Bach (pronounced "Batch"), once made the mistake of believing that the cello was, in fact, a stringed instrument. He therefore wrote six pieces, or "suites" (each comprised of six movements), that nobody has been, or ever will be, able to adequately perform. To make matters worse, these "Cello Suites" are not traditionally performed as six pieces with six movements, but rather as thirty-six pieces comprised of one movement. Since the cello is not up to the task of this ridiculously complex music, it is up to the bassists and violists to do this music justice.
- A cellist often lounges in his apartment, drinking Slim Fast with his obviously-gay-yet-somehow-still-in-denial oboe friend as they pet the cat that they dually own. Generally the cellist will be doing all of the clitoris work and the oboe player will be stroking the cat's various nipples and erogenous zones.
- No matter what, a jiggler's cello is way out of tune. This cannot be fixed. Evar.
- Cellists always play off beat and mess up the harmony. (Note: Some argue that jigglers do this intentionally and for the lulz, but it's not true; jigglers are way too stoned all the time to even think about stuff like that.)
[edit] Notable jigglers
- Yoyo Man - Most famous for being one of the few left handed jigglers
- Bill Cosby - Also an air guitar virtuoso (See Bright Red Paper)
- Lobster Jesus - Developed a special cello so he could play with his claws
- Will Smith - King of "Gettin' jiggly wid it"
- Doug Jenkins - Not really notable accept for the fact that he replaced Lobster Jesus in Bright Red Paper
- Pueblo Castles - Most notable for his bald head and lifelong struggle to find a successful way to perform the Bach suites (which he has, alas, never succeeded. BAAAAAAAAAAW)
- Eicca Toppinen - Probably the coolest cellist of all time, due to his Finnish heritage; long, flowing blond hair, Scandinavian features, and his tendency to headbang while playing heavy metal songs.
- Perttu Kivilaakso - One of the best cellists in the world, supposedly ( — That is, if you were to ask his stupid-ass, retarded fangirls, they would unanimously agree that he is the best cellist in the universe. Yeah, try listening to some Yo-Yo Ma, bitches). Perttu is particularly skilled at stroking the neck of his cello quite ferociously while playing heavy metal glissandos during his performances. This is trademarked as the
PenisPerttu Stroke. Mr. Kdsaiiivullaaaksfasoolkdsjooo has a reserved spot in the cello section of the Helsinki Philharmonic Orchestra. er w/e. - Christopher Phillpott - A very capable (See Handicapable) cellist and can play just as fast left or right handed. (See ambidexterity.) In fact, one time his dad walked in on him stroking his cello, and claimed his son could gain several beats per minute by alternating hands. Clearly an advanced
masturbamusical genius, the likes of which this world has never seen, and should never have to see. Poor Dad. . . .
